Crone Encounter

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Lately, my practice has been helter-skelter thanks to a barrage of reasons, including distraction on my part by other things that I think are going to give me pleasure and do not.

My meditation last night led me into a visualization of a Goddess, but she was in a Crone form; dark skin and white hair, leading me around a forest. I can’t remember if she imparted any kind of particular knowledge to me, but image-wise, she wore a cloak, and she stood between our ideas of a witch or sorceress and a goddess, and I’m glad I ran into her.

Steve

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A Threshold Crossed

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Imagine, dear friends, you have crossed some spiritual threshold, some boundary, in the midst of your meditations, only to have no guidance and knowledge as to what the boundary you’ve crossed is!

That’s what happened to me last night (or more properly, early this morning, right after midnight). A buzzing in my ears, a moment of deep silence of mental chatter, but awareness and ego kept going, yet suddenly I knew had crossed something on the journey but am left without a map to tell you what that could even be.

As I review my online journal, I’m utterly flabbergasted to see I haven’t updated Craving Aletheia in a much longer time than I had imagined, though I have kept another diary, albeit not consistently.

There’s nothing left for me to do except keep on the journey, and at some point, the Grace of the Divine will push me past the final threshold, whatever that may be.

But now my ego has found something, a journey upon which to be taken, in which it will be burnt up just fine, a medium in which I will pour and pour and pour myself until there’s nothing left of me to give and then only the Absolute (by whatsoever name one might call that) will pour forth, exhaustless.

Steve

 

Some on Sophia

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A week or two ago, I had another profound thought about religion, spirituality, and mysticism, which is this: while I can verify that certain maps of Theravada Buddhism matches my own experience, I’m also aware that various kinds of other doctrine within the Theravada tradition are outside of my interest or cultural background.

And the only Reality to which I can attest, the only “Deity” or whatnot that goes beyond conjecture, that I can state is consistent and clear in my mind and in my life for the past ten years is Our Lady Sophia.

The path became so incredibly simple when I decided to direct my full attention toward Sophia. She is not unknown in other Traditions; She is called Other Names, and that’s fine.

That Sophia is a Given to me, that I KNOW through direct experience (gnosis?) that She Is, begins the theological quest and framework for me.

I can therefore reason out that Christ, or the Logos, is the Masculine/Active Expression of Sophia, and that they’re BOTH expressions of a Yet Further Absolute Reality.

I’ve been praying lately, to Sophia, and blessing my home, in the Name of Sophia, and I feel better and more myself than I have in AGES.

So now I have to carry this to the end and unite with the Absolute.

Steve

Phases

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Spirituality, mysticism, the spiral path, whatever you might call it, well…certainly at this point I’m aware I was misled in childhood to think that religion was somehow static.

No, indeed, it is dynamic and fluid, ever changing and morphing and bringing me to greater and greater insight, plunging me deeper as I move through phases again and again.

Which is to say, I’m moving out of the “Pagan” phase and into a Christian phase again.

What am I trying to learn? What am I being taught? I wish I had more insight. I wish I could sit and meditate, but I can’t. My mind is focused and tied up to so much else.

But life is sweet currently, lovely in a way that perhaps only Spring can bring. Maybe it’s the season, or maybe it’s something else.

I want to know.

Steve

And Now, Fullness

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In December, I had the most powerful experiences of Emptiness, and yet…yesterday, I had the totally opposite experience, the experience of an unending FULLNESS of Reality, pushing through and bursting forth with meaningfulness.

The FULLNESS of Reality appeared to me in a more feminine form, and I’m inclined to refer to It as a Goddess, and specifically, the Goddess Aphrodite. This is surprising to me as I’ve had an affinity for Aphrodite previously, but she didn’t seem to necessarily appear directly in my life.

My husband and I went out for a Valentine’s Day date one day late, and we stood by the ocean as the sun set prior to attending a local play. This is where I most strongly felt the power, the absolute FULLNESS and knowing that things will be well, that all is good, that even in the most terrifying moments, Reality isn’t totally horrifying.

I have no idea what’s going on. My Buddhist phase got knocked out- as I predicted it would. It’s not that I’ve rejected Buddhism; far from it, as it seems to guide me and underlie a great deal of my experiences and thoughts. But…just wow.

Worthy to note is that I’ve returned to doing the Tarot Meditations from Stephan Hoeller’s book- this time, however, I’m doing the meditations for two weeks at a time, so that’ll take up most of the year. The goal isn’t to rush through but to sincerely absorb and psychically “build” the paths in the Tree of Life.

Let’s see what happens, shall we?

Steve

Suddenly…

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Another one of “those” experiences is happening as I write this. What does it mean? I’m not entirely sure.

This time, I had a sudden insight into the “now” in a way that I’ve never had before. Suddenly all the talk about senses and sensory input and all that by-passing emotional circuitry makes sense.

This isn’t about forcing myself to my senses- it’s about accepting WHAT IS.

While reading questions about the origin of the universe according to Buddhism, it just suddenly happened- there was a weird sense of, “Why do I concern myself about what happens after death?”

Maybe my fear of death will never go away, but if “die before I die,” perhaps it will.

I do kind of have a song playing in my head (an ear worm, as they call it), but that’s okay. No worries here. It can play all it wants; no reason to get caught up in it.

There are so many more things to unlock, so much greater of an adventure to go on. Going with Buddhism has been the best decision I’ve made in so long.

This gives me the confidence that yes, one day I will attain Nirvana. This is no longer some kind of abstraction but a real, lived experience I’m going through.

God help the people who might one day become my students because on the other hand, I have no idea what I’m doing. HA!

Steve

Finally, Freakin’ Vibrations

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Without having the particular experience of something, the explanations in Buddhism can seem kind of obtuse.

Even though the Noting Meditation seems bizarre to me, I’ve still been doing it because, well, it’s a good idea to give it a go.

So tonight, I was doing Concentration Meditation instead, and I got into what was probably the 3rd Jhana. I’m reluctant to claim 4th Jhana at this point because my visualizations don’t really come to a vivid, stable image, and that’s supposed to be a 4th Jhana characteristic, but it may also have to be built up.

Anyway, I didn’t exactly switch to Insight Meditation, but suddenly, I stopped trying so hard, and I started experiencing vibrations.

The vibrations aren’t terribly strong, and in some ways, they aren’t what I expected- it was more a sense of what it’s like to be in the ocean, with the waves rising and falling and be moved around by the current of the water. That’s what the experience was like, and it continued, though the currents weren’t from any one particular direction, and they were CONSTANTLY changing. So, impermanence was definitely something I experienced, but impermanence seems to be something I live through in daily life anyway.

So, yeah, I’m sticking with this Buddhist meditation thing because it’s for real.

Steve

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