That Sense of God

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Being Gnostic has helped me in many ways to incorporate and understand things like Paganism and Unitarian Universalism and so on.

Recently, I became aware of GOD. GOD, as in the Absolute, Unknowable, Beyond-of-the-Beyond that I’ve experienced at various points in my life. And to be aware of GOD is difficult, as it requires focus under most circumstances.

To suggest in this case that God is not the Ultimate Satisfaction would be bonkers; God is Everything we could ever want and more, beyond even those things, beyond Peace, Fulfillment, and Happiness.

Why in this lifetime God has seen fit that I would be deprived of the Holy Eucharist is not something I yet understand. Attempting to say the Eucharist myself is met with some effect but not what I need.

But perhaps this, too, will find a true and final resolution, and I will be deprived of Christ’s Body and Blood no longer. I do have the sense of, “Just a little more; just a bit further.”

The difference now is that I sense God being IMPRESSED upon me. That’s new; that’s not been here before.

And so to God the Unknown Father, I say, “Thank You.”


The Endless Spiral

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How do I keep getting spiraled back into Christianity? I’m unsure.

Despite all my romancing of Paganism, despite all the rituals I’ve done, suddenly my mind is somehow focused again on Christ and Sophia, but definitely mostly Christ.

Despite all my skepticism, at this point there is a deep and solid knowing that God is there, that Christ is there. Despite all the the horrific and bizarre things in this world, despite everything about life that doesn’t make sense, deep beyond all that is a core beating with the conviction that yes, in the end, we will all go home, and that Christ is King and that no powers of this world will ever hold us back from God.


Pagan Heart

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Clear to me on this Easter Sunday is the reality of what I might temporarily term “my Pagan Heart.”

Of course, the term “Pagan” is problematic for a variety of reasons that boil down to our being human and being limited by language. Different people mean different things by “Pagan,” and the more pedantic among us will waste our time splitting hairs.

Our Modern Paganism is at times (perhaps more often than not) intertwined with the whole of the Western Mystery Tradition.

So you see, for me, Christianity and Wicca (to give two examples) are different flowers growing on the same plant, or at least different varieties of a certain sort of plant.

To further my point: I have the Pagan Heart in the sense that I see Christ and Christian worship not as an archenemy or as a path solely unto itself, but as “another God for the pantheon.”

That is a heresy to some on “both sides” of the discourse. For me, time has shown once and again that I cannot practice only one religion at a time.

Given, my Christianity is the mystical, Gnostic flavor, so my perspectives on Christ were already different.

I’m not sure how the Demiurge and such fit into a more Pagan worldview, but I’m also not here to try to force views to fit together. Perhaps the point isn’t to reconcile all things that can’t understand and fit reality together like a massive, crushing jigsaw puzzle but rather is to accept that blatant contradictions exist.

I’ve decided to start a Youtube vlog on Paganism. Commentary, thoughts, experiences, those sorts of things. Not entirely sure when that’s going up, but we’ll see.

Major topics will include thoughts on polytheism and mysticism and such.


Cleansing, Blessing, Sealing

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For those of you who might be unaware, the USA had a presidential election last year, and Donald Trump won, much to the dismay, horror, and revulsion of the vast majority of thinking Americans.

Despair and depression built up in my house, and things were fairly awful for a while.

As time progressed, I realized that thoughtforms had built up in my home, and the time had arrived to banish them and instead fill the house with goodness.

Much to my own surprise, this process worked- by simply intending to banish the negativity, speaking the words, and then by blessing the house with things like joy, friendship, and peace, the entire atmosphere changed along with my attitude along with my day-to-day experience.

This has verified to me the existence of some kind of psychical reality, maybe not one I fully understand, but one that exists nonetheless, and to have manipulated it so quickly still has me in a bit of shock.

The final step is “sealing” the goodness into the house, and I do this in the Name of the Holy Spirit.

I’m truly grateful for my three-fold process of making my day-to-day life better. I’ve added additional prayers as time has progressed, and I make sure to do the Cleansing, Blessing, and Sealing on a nightly basis, just prior to going to bed.

I also have a certain prayer that I use that’s meant to grant a plenary indulgence, but there are techncial requirements for such an indulgence to be granted; nonetheless, the prayer itself is one I use for purification.

The gist here isn’t that I think of humans as awful, wicked, sinful creatures, but I do understand the concept of ritual impurity, and there comes a point where aspects of this world sully us in that regard. So, that has to be banished somehow, and in Christianity, prayers for forgiveness are the way this is accomplished.



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In the background of my consciousness, for some time now, I’ve been aware of a connection to other people, or at least the sense that someone is watching and aware of me. The challenge has been to then figure out who it is watching me, and why- and often, I feel this falls into the realm of “Who is my friend?” or some other such question.

But I realized that the observation wasn’t of a personal friend or even of someone else, though it appeared that way to my mind- rather, it is the common human nature, the Ideal of Humanity, the Form of Mankind, that which I have termed “Adam.”

I’ve tried in more recent years to escape Christianity in some sense, but I am drawn back into it. One thing that I must convey is that my understanding and experience of Christianity is through the lens of Western esotericism and what is often termed the Western Mystery  Tradition; I’ve likened this to modern-day Pagans and devotional polytheists and their approach to religion being applied to Catholicism, and that’s a fair beginning description of me.

Of interest in my reading recently is that Western esotericism is defined as a third way between the materialism of the Enlightenment and the fundamentalism of mainstream Christianity, and I think that explains a good deal about me and my inability to simply collapse into the worldview of so many of my friends and family who are atheists and skeptics and such. I simply cannot do it.

Back to Adam- no doubt my discovery of the Kabbalah and the Tree of Life in adolescence led to the development of various sensitivities, and as of late, I’ve taken upon the meditations provided in Stephan Hoeller’s The Fool’s Pilgrimage, my own attempt to raise consciousness and unlock inner mysteries of the universe.

So the idea of Adam as the Form of Mankind or Human Nature Itself, as an Ideal in the Platonic sense, is something I experience first-hand. It’s always in the background, it’s always there, connected to higher realms and to more things than just me.

There are likely implications in the Gnostic mythos and the mysticism I’ve learned from Bernadette Roberts; it’s likely that Christ unites with Adam to save us all, but this hits a level so esoteric and mysterious that I cannot comprehend it intellectually, and even my intuition grows foggy at this point.

I have another worthy entry, but that shall be for tomorrow.



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While meditating in bed the other night, I suddenly had the image of being in a sort of cave or enclosure, and a black woman dressed in Egyptian regalia sat upon a throne with a hat of some sort, a long hat that looked like it could be the broken skull of an animal.

Behind her was a huge pillar fashioned into the likeness of a serpent, and around the serpent was energy spiraling like the DNA helix; a fire burned atop the serpent, glowing blue.

I asked the woman her name, and she responded, “Kemetu.”

My first instinct was connecting “Kemet” to the word “Kemetic,” and I knew that had to do with Egypt.

But upon looking up the word, I found out that this, in fact, was the word ancient Egyptians used to refer to themselves, and “Kemetu” means “black people.”

Wow. That’s a pretty powerful connection that have arisen in my mind.

I’m not sure what Kemetu meant to teach me or give me, but she was favorable to me, and I am glad to have met her.



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Self-esteem is important. You cannot approach Nirvana with a broken self-esteem because your ego will spend all your energy trying to verify itself.

If you don’t like yourself, you can’t get very far.

So if you don’t like yourself for whatever reason, put down the path to God and find the path to your ego liking itself first.

Liking yourself isn’t selfish, not really. Not liking yourself will cause you to do more damage in the long run with an endless series of addictions and cycles that cannot be broken by those coping mechanisms.

As of late, I have found a girl inside of myself- a young girl, in my second chakra area. And she’s powerful and ready to defend me- I have no idea who she is, where she came from, how long she’s been there, but she does seem to have made herself more known after I began working on my self-esteem and realized I had to learn to like myself.

It isn’t easy. The psyche likes to collapse back into familiar patterns of self-hatred and despair; to like myself requires tremendous energy to fight against a lifetime of fuckery I’ve inherited from other people, from the society around me, through the Collective Unconscious.

Individuating is a horrifying process, and the Collective isn’t fond of it.

But having seen people recently who are possessed by some aspect of the Collective Unconsicous has been even more horrifying. Watching the stereotype of a Trump-supporter go after the local Muslim woman and the Black Lives Matters protestors shocked me- I had no idea people could be just a pure stereotype.

God save us all from this horrible world.


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