AUTHOR’S NOTE: I wrote this a few days ago, then decided not to publish it because it was so late. But here I am now, publishing it, so it isn’t quite as current as it looks. That doesn’t undermine the importance of it.

An experience I’ve had but twice happened upon me today, and this was the second time said experience happened.

The first time, it happened like a crack of thunder due to a synchronicity, and I was catapulted into a no-man’s land of voids.

This time, it crept up on me, over the course of a few days; the preceding days have seen me somewhat irate, so it was good to know that the irritation was ultimately indicative of something happening.

When this experienced happened the first time, I had a synchronicity dealing with an old lover, a statement made by Meister Eckhart, and a song in which that quote was found. At this point in time, I had been interested in Gnosticism/Catholicism for almost two years, and in the course of a few seconds, my entire world view came crashing down around me in shambles.

Suddenly, there was no God, there was no Christ, there was not value in anything- with the exception of that one person I had loved. This experience continued for a few days, I came out of it, and went back to my spiritual pursuits.

That time, in a way, I fought agains the experience with an intellectualization of it. This time, I didn’t fight it- I simply embraced it, knowing that it wasn’t the end, that this Great Meaningless Void is more like a veil, not an end in itself.

The Great Meaningless Emptiness just suddenly happened upon me, and all the friendly and beautiful notions and abstractions about spirituality and mysticism fell away. And I let them fall away. I let my concepts of God fall away, all those things.

Slowly, they’re returning, but not because I’m forcing them to. I’m just riding with my feelings, with my emotions, with my thoughts, and seeing what happens. I am merely an observer in all this.

The Great Dark Meaninglessness isn’t hurting my feelings or bothering me, either. It’s simply there, and I’m slowly moving inside it and then away from it again.

What does it all mean? Maybe I’ll find out, maybe I won’t.

Beaux


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