Does the darkness indicate that one is again approaching the Light?

Last week went so terribly on so many counts for me, and now this week, despite the physical pain, or maybe because of it, I’m having incredible insight. Is this the meaning of gnosis?

The love- oh, the LOVE! I remember in high school diving into the love, I remember the trip back from New Orleans when I understand my mission was to love, to love, to love, and that even when I died, I would reincarnate and suffer more for the sake of love. Is this the reality I’ve forgotten for so long?

Is that what it means to surrender to God? I will gladly return to this Earth to love. I will gladly endure the horrors to tell others of the Great Being of Divine Love.

Do you know what it feels like to be unable to love? That is a hell, a prison, a terrible place in which to be. To struggle, to fight, to break free and love again is not an easy task. Possible, yes. But it is not easy, and you will endure a hell to get there again.

Bernadette Roberts is wise in stating that the stages of the mystic’s path are only outlined in retrospect. I can now see that 2010 was such a horrible year because I facing my own Shadow.

Facing the Shadow is not what you might think it is. You’re plunged into it. Or at least, I was plunged into it- thrown into the very depths of my own darkness, unable to see that’s where I was, unable to see that there was a world outside of that strange and dark universe. I thought that was reality, that my actions were justified, that perhaps what I did was the will of God operating on a level that is beyond normal human understanding.

Now I can see the intense egotism in it all. I can see where I knew I was wrong but pushed forward anyway. Again, this is all in retrospect.

Then again, maybe there was a dim understanding that I was facing my Shadow, but as with so many things that happen mystically, these processes are unconscious. The Shadow is an unconscious process, and the dealing with it, the controlling it, the integrating it, relies on becoming aware of it. But you can never fully understand exactly how unconscious these things are until later on, when you’re far more aware of them.

At this point, through my own observation, I truly opine that the mystical changes in an individual begin on the unconscious level and trickle into the conscious mind. We can participate in our own transformation, yes- and those of us who are aware that such a process is going on are obligated to do so, I would say- but we do not create the change by our own hand in the ultimate sense. We can say, “Yes, let this happen” and start the ball rolling, but we are not responsible for the end results- something greater than us intervenes.

This is the reason I think religion is so important. It isn’t just about having a belief. It isn’t just a bunch of outdated science. Religion is a reflection, a conscious incarnation, of man’s deepest inner psychological happenings. Religion is a map, concretized and depicted, of man’s own consciousness. People of our modern era constantly miss that point.

These days, I often see the more orthodox-minded Christians going at it with one another, arguing over silly things like homosexuality and citing this verse or that verse in the Bible. The entire approach is often so far off-base that it makes the whole things laughable. I feel as though the entire point has been overlooked.

Maybe the days of being a self-proclaimed heretic should be embraced. Father Jordan said something interesting in one of his blogs once, that it seems most arguments come from people who are claiming to be orthodox but have nuances in doctrine as opposed to being between people who are orthodox versus so-called heretic.

But maybe I should also face the truth about myself: my views would typically be deemed heretical by the more mainstream churches. I’m not against the orthodoxy, though- I’m very much a huge supporter of Catholicism (both Anglican and Roman!) and Eastern Orthodoxy. When it comes to Protestantism as a whole, I tend to be more cautious, because Protestant encompasses everything from Lutheranism to Pentecostalism. Some would also lump the Anglican Communion in with the Protestants, but I’m staunchly against that for a variety of reasons.

But would it do any good to call myself Gnostic? Gnosticism, too, has a problem with the label game. There are so, so many misunderstandings about Gnosticism, and people much wiser than I have detailed endlessly how often misconceptions are spouted about Gnostics.

Something will come of it, I’m sure.

Beaux


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