Now I understand.

Spirituality comes with a grave sort of responsibility that many people may not understand or may be unwilling to accept. To not understand that one’s actions, thoughts, and feelings can have external affects in a way that most people are unaware (a psychical sort of way, you might say) is to be extremely ignorant of the damage one may cause.

So I see that the roughness that’s happened recently has all been a reflection of my own inner attitudes, my own aberrant desires, my own faults and failings, all affecting other people. This is not to suggest that I’m all-powerful- this is rather to bring me to the realization that my connection with the inner world has a very real and tangible effect on the outer world, and that I must surrender my Will to God or risk hurting and devastating others.

I don’t want to hurt anyone- myself, my boyfriend, my friends, or even strangers. So I have to work towards greater perfection within myself. I have to continue along the Path, I have to continue to seek God, I have to continue to live out my sense of self while looking deeper and deeper within, potentially to the highest experience of the no-self- if that is indeed the highest experience.

It is true that in our world, so many things seem unstable, so many things seem random, chaotic, and unaffected. To think that our thoughts affect others is seemingly preposterous and almost sheer heresy by modern standards, so to see the actual effects of our own internal world on the external world (without a direct physical connection- no verbalization, no acting out, no body language, no hidden references and so forth) is bewildering and takes us into the realm of the unknown.

The connection, at least for me, is not necessarily a stable one. The instability, though, has a pattern to it, not unlike my mood swings and my social anxiety- all of it is cyclical, the so-called “spiral path” that I’ve mentioned.

But to chart it would be almost impossible, other than to literally write down my mood from day to day and write down when exactly it changed. In some cases, our moods do change because of certain psychological cues- something happens, and we’re affected accordingly- but in some cases, there is no external cause.

I long for the ego to fall away. Maybe I don’t really long for this as much as I say I do- I wonder if great mystics of the past ever questioned if they really wanted God as much as they felt that they did. What I cannot deny is that the ego is a great, great burden to carry around, that the ego creates more than enough problems for me in my life, and that if God were to take the ego and replace it with Himself, things in life would be much, much easier for me and everyone else.

I’ve learned something else recently- the difference between actually redirecting your focus and reasonably dealing with one’s feelings to lessen their intensity and outright repression or suppression of said feelings. The difference is specifically in that redirecting your focus happens after you have embraced the feeling- “Yes, I feel angry, and this is why I feel angry. However, there are more important things in life, things that make me happy, and to focus on the anger is to feed it, whereas to focus on the things that make me happy not only lessen the anger but also expands my view of the universe.”

That came out sounding way more Positive Thinker than I meant for it to, but the point is that one doesn’t deny feeling angry (or sad or what have you) or deny that it exists, and at some point in time, an analysis is in order of one’s anger and why something provokes one to anger in the first place- whether it’s an immediate reaction or related to some deeper inner trauma.

Right now, I’m exhausted, and the exhaustion, I think, has stunted the ego’s overall influence. I can’t say that there is no ego whatsoever, but it definitely feels less in tact than normal. That being said, I’m going to try to read some and sleep.