“Those” Moments

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Many of us have had them. Perhaps all of us have had them, I don’t know.

Those moments.

The moments when we do something that is slightly out of character for us, but it is in pursuit of something greater in ourselves, in the world, in reality. The moments when we can sense the overshadowing of something greater in the world of ourselves and the situation we’re in. This is the moment of a Presence, and it is difficult to explain, but I can say that in those moments, we know that God is going with us.

Mostly I have seen this happen when I have been on the cusp of falling in love with someone. I went somewhere, I changed pace, and as I went, God was suddenly there with me, looming (though this sounds negative, it is not), encouraging me forth, pushing me to the goal.

These are the moments that astound and amaze us, the moments that we cling to when our relationships or loves have left us or ignored us or what have you. These are the moments that we remember: “But my God, that was so perfect- it was so right, it was so real. What happened?”

These, yes, are the moments so incredibly right and perfect in our lives that our first instinct is to not believe they are real. That 10% of life that’s so wonderful and the way life is supposed to be and so incredibly good that we can effortlessly embrace it and adore it and enjoy it and revel in it.

That’s the 10-10-80 formula. 10% of life is full of amazingly happy moments, 10% of life is full of amazingly terrible moments, and the other 80% becomes what you make it. That formula’s a bit rough, of course, but I’ve heard it mentioned before.

But maybe those great, unbelievable moments aren’t even about happiness- they’re more like a deep sense of fulfillment. A moment of knowing you are exactly who you are and where you’re supposed to be.

When I was with Howl and Swifty the other night, we were at a closed Winn-Dixie, getting movies from the Red Box. I walked, alone, over to the other side of the building to buy a drink. The sky was dark, the parking lot was empty, and the three of us were there, just the three us, and I was the odd man out.

But I didn’t care, because as I walked in my bright red shirt and Japanese beanie and japa mala swinging around my neck, I knew in that moment, in that pleasant weather and in that depth of night and with that cold diet soft drink firmly held in my hand that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I wanted to do, being exactly who I was meant to be, and nothing, not the dogma of Christianity, not the delusions of the Actual Freedom Trust, not any platitudes spit out by New Age Positive Thinkers, not Dustin’s pseudo-intellectual homophobic bullshit, nothing could compare with the deep sense of fulfillment in that moment, the deep sense of rightness, wholeness, completeness, effortlessness, and goodness in that moment. That was a moment that was meant to be, that was a moment that was meant to happen, that was a moment I could embrace, even if it wasn’t permanent, even if it just happened then and there. That was the moment that was as it should be.

That was one of “those” moments.

Why it happened, how it happened, I’m not totally sure. I went along for the ride. I expressed my individuality. I claimed my power somewhere, somehow. And that was that.

Then we all went back to Howl’s house and watched the movie Devil, which turned out to be a good watch.

That was a great night. I hope for more great nights in the future.

Beaux


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Mind-Body Purgation.

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I’ve been sick to my stomach since last night. Perhaps I ate something bad, but while on the Deck, we did a lot internal psychological work on me. The explanations that Kelly and Michael gave me about the recent happening in my life made more sense than I would have liked for them to, and more to the point, they “resonated” with me enough that I think they’re on to something.

Then today, I ended up vomiting terribly, so hard, in fact, that I was afraid my heart my stomach. I begged God to keep me alive in that moment and to not let me die- that’s how terrifying the whole situation was.

Even though this happened in my stomach, I can’t help but feel that the pain in my chest was my heart chakra being purified, at least in part.

The sickness distanced me from my social identity. One point tonight saw me encounter my heart chakra expanding larger than the universe, and it was just a brief, awesome second that blew my mind. Then an hour later, I’m throwing up. Talk about a divine balancing act.

I’m so tired. I wish I could sleep, but my body won’t let me. Today I forsook much of what I should have been doing in my “daily list” of things that fill my life. I just don’t have the necessary stamina, so I’ve taken it easy and been sick and tried to stay in a good mood.

True, my mood is fairly good, despite the illness of my body. I’m seeing a running of two different layers of my person now- a superficial sort of layer and a deeper, more energetic layer. The energetic layer is what determines one’s mood and world view and such. More on this when I can observe it better.

Beaux


The Vision

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One second, I was lying in bed having random thoughts in my head about my childhood and playing video games with one of my cousins.

The transition was then abrupt, unlike anything I’ve ever encountered before. Suddenly, I was standing in what I would guess is a dream, and I knew certainly that I was in the unconscious. Vivid, real images, terrifying- I was standing in a building, on a balcony, and I looked out to the orange horizon, the crowns of skyscrapers and city building, and beyond them clouds, and a wind, a forceful, terrifying wind coming.

No ordinary wind.

The equivalent of dismay in the vision was that the world was coming to an end. I had the sense that an atomic bomb had been dropped somewhere, but also the sense that this was not exactly that. I knew in the vision that if I were to have felt the radiation, I would have hurt with all the pain a person would feel. This world was very, very real- as real as the waking world.

The images were not as stable as the waking world, but they had the same consistent theme.

The wind grew more forceful, and I put my hands up to challenge whatever was coming at me.

Then, I did the only thing, the sole, one, and only thing, that I knew to do.

I began to recite the Name of God in my heart.

Then I forced myself to say it aloud, and out came the whisper:

“Allah.”

The winds died down considerably. I knew that was the key. I could see a visible repair of things destroyed.

And I woke, repeating His Name, again and again and again.

“Allah, Allah, Allah.”

He has me. I belong to Him.

Sufis bow to no one but God.

Beaux


Oh, well.

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Earlier today/yesterday, I wrote a blog- on my iPad. Somewhere in the mad rush of the day, I forgot to transfer it over to my computer and post it. Life goes on. So much for my Post a Day challenge.

Not really a lot to say here. The Black Fire seems to have been missing recently, and I feel somewhere between tired and depressed. I am, however, doing the most I can to live my life to the fullest each and every day. I would rather go out with a bang in knowing that I’ve tried my best each and every day to do all the things I want to do in this world than to wake up one day and realize I never did exactly what I wanted to do.

Maybe the Black Fire will return soon. Let’s hope.

Beaux


Headache and Tired

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Today, I’ve been extremely tired and have a headache. I have no idea what happened or what would’ve caused this. Maybe the change of the seasons?

Many strange dreams last night, and I was in a bad place several times when I woke up. Then I woke up in totally happy state of mind later. What’s going on here?

Been trying to live my days “full” of all the things I love to do. That’s the best way to live life, I think.

Will post more later.

Beaux


Heart Chakra Blockage

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Here we are again, where I stare at my heart chakra during meditation, only to see exactly how much it’s blocked. This is a reference to the Anahata, not the Hrit chakra, for those of you who may be interested.

My heart chakra has been blocked for years, it seems, only to open in small moments with certain people, and then…the heart break happens, my heart shuts down, and here I am again.
Yes, here I am again.
The alternate explanation is that the chakra is not blocked and that somehow this is a reference to God’s Presence in my heart, that this is HIM, purging me, purifying me.
But no, I cannot say that is the case. I can tell that the chakra is blocked, and it hurts. It hurts a lot. My back hurts, the same place where it’s always hurt, and my shoulders constantly are geared towards tensing up.
What a bad Sufi, one might say- to find someone whose heart chakra is blocked and dark and not functioning! But I must endure, as I really have no other options. Perhaps this is only another aspect of the spiral path as I spiral higher and higher, deeper into the spiritual realms.
A blocked heart chakra isn’t fun. I’ll go ahead and tell you that. Especially is the case of not being fun when one knows what it feels like to have the heart chakra open, and when one encounters the blocked version of it. Where is the joy, the meaning, the PEACE from the Grace of God? Why am I left feeling so utterly drained and exhausted? This is a terrible situation compared to how wonderful I felt just yesterday and the day before that, and even last Friday.
What’s going on here? That’s what I would really like to know. I hope that one day I’ll be enlightened to exactly what’s going on in this case, and of course, this could all be some kind of purgation process that’s a reference to the unconscious changes that are taking place. Maybe my conscious ego-mind has no business knowing the reality of what’s happening.
Sometimes I worry that my heart chakra will open and that I’ll feel pain, and the my heart will beat so hard with love that I’ll die, but that’s fine. I would rather die in one ecstatic moment of feeling love than to live an entire meaningless life trapped in lies, betrayals, and emptiness.
God, help me. Help us all, at that.
Beaux


Chakra Diary Update

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The chakra bootcamp idea failed as soon as I discovered that the other chakra meditation videos upon which I happened were not also 10 minutes in length. They’re each between three and four minutes, and this honestly caused a problem for me.

So far, I’ve made it up to meditating with the solar plexus and have had decent results with the meditations. These past several days, I’ve felt more energetic, more stable, happier, more creative, and more productive.

On the flip side of things, it’s apparent that a number of Shadow tendencies have appeared, mainly in my dreams. I seem to experience a great deal of anger and hatred that I don’t normally see in my waking life. Bhai Sahib once said that many of our karmas are purged in our dreams.

The oddest thing to me is that, for once, I am happy to awaken and be up in the day. My days are pleasurable, my days are peaceful, happy, but my dreams bring all kinds of terrifying realities to them. For once in my life, I have come to a point where I’ve been able to accept more fully my ego-personality, a point where I’ve been able to actually like myself and create myself and, in the words of my friend Michele, experience “becoming” instead of just simply being whatever. There is a definite hand of the inner energy into creating this new person, and though I may fall shy of some of the goals I have, I think ultimately I can only improve. Thank God for it.

Chanting is something I also do frequently these days; my japa mala has come in incredible handy at this point. I do a few different chants each day, for different purposes- some are more geared towards self-empowerment, while others are geared towards compassionate help to others.

I keep wondering if the sexual energy is being transformed at all, and I should hope so.

The Grace of God has been with us today, but not as strongly as before. If I pay attention, I can just barely sense that the peace is running like a deep, deep stream in the earth, but it isn’t readily available or the most apparent feature of my experience. We’ll see what happens, what’s going to happen. I can’t wait.

Beaux


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