For the third time in my life, Christianity has become this muddled, lost Void of confusion, and I don’t know what to do.

But the insight that I’ve had with it this time is incredibly interesting.

Among my group of mystics, we discuss how we pick up the energy of other people who are around us. This is a difficult point of the journey, where we’re strong enough to sense the energy and emotional states of others but not necessarily strong enough to keep ourselves from absorbing the energy.

The reason we absorb the energy seems to stem from a number of sources. Rarely is anything ever so linear, rarely is anything simply the consequence of one thing. The layers, here, will be considered.

First, it is possible that we take on the negativity of others as a matter of purging ourselves of karma as well as purging others of karma. Perhaps it is a method of purification.

But more likely than that, it is that we take the energy into ourselves because we become of aware of it and are without a means of defending ourselves, at least in the psychological sense.

The reason for this happening is simple. In our culture, the predominant image of the Self, the archetype that resonates most profoundly with us, is Jesus Christ. The whole process of taking the energy of others into ourselves and thus suffering in their place is synonymous with the vicarious atonement of Christ, who takes on the “sins of mankind” and then serves as the sacrifice for them.

To realize that I had been encountering this archetype for so long and that I was doing just that blew my mind. I realized I had been taking into myself the karmas and energies of others for such a long time, in the process of my concern with other people, their problems, their thoughts and opinions, and so on and so forth. This, coupled with my realization of having forsaken myself, all fit together- I had been unconsciously living a quintessentially Christian life, as to die for the sins of others makes one quite Christ-like.

However, the real problem lies in that there was never a true death. My ego has not died, nor my Higher Self. Thus what was happening was the equivalent of being nailed to the cross and suffering endlessly, with never a moment of completing the sacrifice and the overall purgation of the karmas/sin.

This means that some vital information about Christianity was left out as this particular image of Christ had formed inside of me, and that I was never given the strength, energy, information, or what have you to finish the sacrifice and push onwards.

So the Christ archetype, or image or what have you, had to go, or has to go.

Upon reflection, I wondered if maybe this was not the archetype of Christ that was going, but rather that I was rebelling against an image of Christ, a falsely created image that had been impressed upon me through Christian theology early on.

I cannot say that I am completely out of the control of the image or know at this point if it’s even possible for me to be free from its control.

Mostly, the problems lately and especially those dealing with Christ have focused on the Svadisthana chakra, which is the sacral or second chakra up from the bottom of the human body. This chakra roughly corresponds to the second seven years of one’s own life, from ages 7 to 14, and it is, in fact, in those years that I was most conditioned with fundamentalist Christianity and blinded by the darkness thereof.

So the question of what’s going on is still in my mind. I do know that things have to change, and that I cannot take on the responsibility of other people’s problems and negative energies at this point- I am not capable of doing that, I am not strong enough to do that, I cannot solve it and always be the strong one, for it seems too often that I’m in need of the savior but am forced to be not only my own savior but that of other people.

That doesn’t mean compassion is tossed to the wayside or completely neglected. Rather, it means that my default mode of interacting with the world cannot be one in which people’s energy hits me without my consent. Instead, I must be able to stand my ground, have my energy be as powerful and good as possible, and help them in that way.

I’m not Jesus. And I don’t want to be Christ-like at this point if it means that my entire world is constantly destroyed. If I have no sanity, if I have no energy of my own, then how can I possibly help anyone else? This is a very difficult thing to admit to myself and to anyone else, and no doubt it would upset any number of Christian friends of mine to hear me make these statements.

But perhaps the reality of the situation is much different. Bernadette Roberts insists that Christ was born enlightened, into the unitive state, and thus his sacrifice was actually the entry into the No-Self state and not into the No-Ego state. By that token, my understanding of Christ, as far as the one that’s been affecting me, has been completely and utterly incorrect this whole time, and now is the time to expel the image.

Maybe this is what is meant by “false gods” and “idols” in the Ten Commandments. I’m not sure, though.

The other day, I read an article that was criticizing Anne Rice about her leaving the Catholic Church. The writer, a rather nasty Catholic, insisted that Anne was now “free to do what Protestants have been doing for 500 years- create Jesus in her own image.”

Excuse me, but let’s be quite frank here: the Catholic Church, too, has created “Jesus in their own image,” so how dare he make any such statement about Anne and Protestants? The Catholic Jesus only exists because the heretics were killed off or went into hiding, and indeed, the Church has a problem with spewing its ideas about Holiness and confusing Holiness with Authoritarianism.

However, I am highly sympathetic to Catholics in general, but I have huge problems with the Priesthood and the theologians who actually don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.

But what would Christ mean, then, on His own terms? The whole theological matter seems to be rather wide open at this point, and I think if it is important, it will be revealed later on to me.

That’s enough for now.