Author’s Note: I wrote this almost a month ago, so this is not my current state of mind.

So it happens again- a cycle that makes absolutely no sense, a cycle that happens again and again. No matter how hard I try, sometimes I find myself back at Square One.

Fucking Square One.

What psychologists and mystics alike have failed to address is something that is very, very important, and here I’m going to address that:

Just because you are aware of how you are reacting, just because you’re aware that your reaction to something is irrational- it does not STOP YOU FROM REACTING IN THAT WAY.

Emotional reactions are oftentimes automatic. With some things, we can easily talk sense into ourselves- someone cuts us off in traffic or drives on our tail, then we can reason out that maybe it’s a little irritating, but it isn’t really a huge deal after all is said and done, and we can get on with our lives.

But what about things such as phobias? What about fear of rejection? The slightest thing happens, and before you know it, you’re completely swept away in it.

My problem right now, my beef, is that I have no one to whom I can 100% honestly vent, and I realize I’ve never had that, and likely never will. I can’t even honestly vent online because of the fact that my identity is exposed here- the fact that someone, somewhere can identify me, the fact that people who know who I am have already happened upon me here and know that it’s me, me, typing these things.

The worst thing is that now, I can see the rise and fall of the energy patterns within myself and others. What I mean to say is that I can see how people “link up” energetically at times, I can see how it creates a sort of net, I can see what exactly happens with the rising and falling of the energetic tides, and hell, I’ve seen my own emotions and thoughts affecting other people.

One problem is that I always second-guess myself, and that’s because I have to second-guess myself. I try my hardest not to be arrogant- meaning that I accept the smugness and superiority for what they are, and then I go on with my life instead of thinking that I actually have everything figured out.

The problem now is that even people joking with me can still upset me. I know they’re joking. I know they don’t mean what they’re saying. But it still HURTS- and I can’t express that truth, I can’t express that what they’re saying is upsetting me, because I’ll be met with attacks that I’m taking things too seriously or that I should lighten up or that I’m just being immature.

But that doesn’t take away from me the feeling that I’m going to cry, does it?

I don’t think people realize that when they pick on other people, when they make fun of them, that it’s like launching energetic bullets at them. It’s a terrible thing, to be pelted with energetic hits like that.

I don’t like crying, especially not out of people having picked on me and not really being serious.

Sometimes, I’m able to shake my moods and go on with life, but before I know it, the bad mood returns. I don’t mean to say that I’m repressing my feelings- I do accept that I feel a certain way, and the I try to understand it. I try to understand the underlying cause. I try to understand the very mechanism that’s making me feel a certain way. There are times when I arrive at great epiphanies in doing this, and then there are times when absolutely nothing comes of it- when there is no particular reason that I feel a certain way, or at best, it’s a vague emotional impression that refuses to manifest itself in an intelligible manner.

I’m not trained well enough at this point to be able to work with the vague emotional impressions, as you might be able to tell.

In the end, I understand that this is all the ego-suffering, I understand that these experiences are likely projections, I understand all that, but that doesn’t take away the suffering. It doesn’t lessen it. I still hurt, and *I* still exist.

What to do?

I can only pray that God will speed me along the Path, that I will arrive at His Throne sooner than later.

Writing helps. This is literally helping to balance my mind. Of course, there’s always still a fear about “expressing emotions” that was conditioned into me by the Actual Freedom Trust, those fuckers, so I fear writing them online. I fear these things, even though I shouldn’t be afraid. Sometimes expressing an emotion is the right thing to do, and sometimes holding back is the right thing, and perhaps the best thing is to actually experience the emotion and sit with it, embracing it, accepting it, while not acting it out.

More ramblings to come.