A number of wonderful things have begun happening recently, a number of beautiful synchronicities and the wonderful things that these signs bring.

Problems abound, but there’s no reason and no time to worry about those. Instead, I have to focus, alas, on myself- and on the others who are resonating with me. Leave it to God and the inner vibrations to attract and repel people to and from you.

We must always progress forward consciously. Time is of the essence, and we must use it wisely and wholly and fully.

Where am I inside myself? Somewhere that I’m finally beginning to accept the ego, which is the only way for me to dissolve it. Or rather, it is the only way to allow the ego to be dissolved by God. That sounds more accurate.

So now I understand that I have to set goals and boundaries for myself, inside myself, and that it’s okay to be flexible, but there should still be something there to help ground me.

The energy on the way home tonight was familiar; this is the energy of changing tides, an energy that comes right before something happens, and something good at that. The preparatory energy, as it were. Perhaps this another form of the Grace of God, and this is a form I have felt specifically on four occasions of which I know.

The Ides of March is especially going to be important.

I constantly question if my decisions and movements are the right ones. I wonder why things happen the way they do. My heart breaks, but I have to keep going. Intestinal fortitude is incredibly important.

Heartbreak has forced me to grow inside myself. Heartbreak has forced me to mature. Until you have known that bitter world of utter desolation in which there is nothing but a grey sky and rocky ground in all the psychic territory around you, you cannot know what it is like. But it is there that the greatest Alchemist changes your lead into gold, and though I wish it were not so, it is the truth, pure and simple.

Not everyone must go through this. But the Sufi must.

I think the major problem with forming a specific mystical map is that mysticism’s maps are extremely rough and general. Perhaps we can outline what happens to the person in a general sense, certain stages that each person will pass through, but this a huge area, and we may not all pass through the same territory, experience the same things, and benefit the world in the same way.

That does not take away our role of importance. Each of us is important, whether or not we realize it, and perhaps our importance is not something that we can fully and completely know.

I, for one, am not keen on the idea of waiting around. I am not keen on the idea of not going all the way. I am not keen on the idea of accepting a half-assed enlightenment.

But I’m also not keen on accepting the dogma of others. Obviously what others have said in terms of dogma and doctrine and presupposition has so often failed that anything that one says in this regard requires examination, reflection, and sometimes an altered view.

And that’s okay.

One thing that bothers me in this day and age are the platitudes that people spew out. Things such as, “Oh, just accept who you are!” and so on really bother me.

Being a person who has encountered a low-esteem and battled with it his entire life, I’m well aware of what it means to not love one’s self. The oft-cited example I have is when I was 6th grade and the teacher of my history class asked if anyone in the room didn’t love themselves, and then proceeded to ask us to raise our hands. In this moment, I lied, for I did not raise my hand, but it was true- I was 11 years old and did not love myself.

The reality is that the concept of “loving myself” was not even present, not even the slightest degree. I didn’t like myself, and how much less did I love myself?

There can come a point inside an individual in which they are generally a mature, healthy person who reasonably cares about themselves and others. This is something of an ideal, and there’s a point where one can see one’s own true specialness and wholeness and completeness; one sees that’s one very existence is an awesome and incredible phenomenon, and that being here, in this world, as this mortal body, is a fantastic feat of the cosmos.

But such experiences rarely last or persist for too terribly long.

Loving one’s self is difficult because we first have to figure out if who we are is who we’re meant to be, or if we’ve created a false self. This is my situation- the person I have been “trained” to be is not the person I wish to be or portray or express; the huge problem, as I’ve always said, is the gap between the “inner” awesome me and the seeming perceptions that others have of me in a social sense.

It would likely be impossible to project to others who one really is in every single moment of every single day, if for no other reason than other humans would misunderstand the reality one was expressing because of their own bias and perceptual filters.

But at the very least, one could be reassured that this energy was what one was displaying, and that if the other people around one misunderstand that, it was their problem and not one’s own.

The next problem encountered is the energy level required in order to continue that expression of one’s self. The body, seemingly, can simply not handle it. There is not enough energy in the body to keep it up; one eventually comes to a point where one is exhausted and falls into the easiest patterns, which should not be confused with the most authentic or truest ones.

And what is there to say of the moments of identity loss? What is there to say of moments of such peace that it doesn’t matter either way? These all complicate the issues of trying to live as an individual in the society, and that’s okay, too.

The Ides of March is coming, and the Black Fire is howling; the Grace of God is descending, and now is the time to appeal to the Earth-Father and Aphrodite Urania and Eros Urania.

Beaux


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