Meditations as of Late

1 Comment

So where am I spiritually as of late? That’s a tough question to answer.

Craving Aletheia is a beautiful, beautiful blog, and I really enjoy writing about spirituality. Many of the insights I have during meditation are not exactly the easiest things to share, though the reality is quite clear in the meditation.

Articulating insights is not as easy as receiving them, because there are a number of connections people are normally unable to see that become clear in meditation. The occluded becomes revealed whereas the false assumptions we have about reality begin to slowly fall away.

Suffering is something necessary for the Sufi, and I have suffered and suffered in many ways, unfortunately.

By and large the suffering lately has been largely self-imposed, or so I think, but I could be wrong. Longing is an all right way to suffer, in my opinion; I would give to have longing and more longing, and increasingly it seems to be leading somewhere, but not to a place I can totally understand.

There comes a point where the rational mind cannot follow into the mystical realms. One’s thinking stops. Many times I have experienced a brief encounter in meditation of a thoughtless state where there are no thoughts, and usually my excitement causes me to start thinking again. The brief thoughtless states occur in deep meditation, and perhaps it is the elusive Dhyana, and perhaps it is not; I cannot be sure. What I do know is that my senses do not stop; I can still hear and have impressions from the outside world, but perhaps, that, too, will eventually shut down; I am not sure.

Increasingly it’s becoming clear that the Black Fire I’ve so often mentioned is indeed the Shakti, the Kundalini inside of the body. Had I only realized this connection sooner! The connection between Lord Shiva, Christ, and the Earth Father Archetype has also become clear to me.

The internet recently stopped working properly at my house, thus forcing me to write on my computer with no online connection, and to be honest I enjoyed the sense of productivity and actually getting something done. My second novel is almost complete, just in time for me to begin the work on the third and fourth ones. If I have my way, I’ll complete them all by the end of this year.

Meditation has also increased. Guided meditations are helpful because they help me to relax more, and relaxing my body is a crucial for me to meditate since my shoulders always seem to remain tense.

Forgiving myself seems to the name of the game these days. I realize a great deal of the tension that stays in my heart actually originates from my own refusal to forgive myself, even for things long gone into the past that no longer matter whatsoever. Forgiving one’s self seems to be the key to be able to forgive others as well, thus it would be beneficial for me to learn what it means to forgive myself.


Post a Day Drop Out

Leave a comment

While I’ve kept up things on Holy Poached Eggs on the Post a Day Challenge, I’ve not succeeded on here as well, and frankly, I don’t care. I’m dropping out of the Post a Day Challenge on Craving Aletheia.


Pain and Depth

Leave a comment

Pain forced a growth in me, a change, a reassessment, a movement that I had otherwise not expected.

The Spiral Path is frustrating because I go around and around and around. At some point in time, I’m going to find the center of it all and stop spiraling, whatever that may mean.

Troy told me that it gets easier with time. God, I can only hope so.
Death and life, are they not the same? What is the truth here? I can see something I couldn’t see before.
I’m in love, and the Prophet is taking that love and killing me with it.
But I want this pain. I want the pain. I WANT IT. Because I know the pain of loss, this emptiness, this missing, the sheer longing, marks something meaningful, points to something good, points to something that what was what I wanted and have wanted and should want, and…

…if God so wills that I should be in agony, then I will surrender to it. God, if this is what YOU want, then I’ll accept it. I may need to cry, I may need to try to distract myself at times, but if this is YOU, then I’ll take this stabbing knife feeling in my chest a thousandfold.

Take me to the point of almost dying, of my heart almost stopping from being too full of longing and love and depth and meaningfulness and YOU. I would rather die trying than to live my life as an emotionless, dimwitted, conformist zombie.
God, the world is in crisis. Help before it is too late!

Selfishness and Love

Leave a comment

The reality is that an element of selfishness seems to exist in love, for it seems that I only love when I feel good in loving the person. That is, the love seems almost contingent on, “I love you because it makes me feel good, and I want to be happy.”

But then I find that one cannot love in that way and keep one’s self; indeed, love may NOT make on happy, and one may love and love and love at one’s own expense.

So when does one consider one’s self?

The truth is, for the mystic, one cannot. You do not matter; all that matters is the All, the Whole, the Other.

Let’s see where this goes.


Darkest Hours

Leave a comment

The clock will turn to 3:33 as I’m typing this, the darkest moment of the night.

So, too, am I at the darkest moment inside myself. I can see all my darkness swirling within me, taking over, controlling me, and coming up to the surface.

When will it end? I’m just so tired at this point, and I can’t explain to anyone exactly how tired I am. I just want to go to sleep, or to wake up, or for something to finally give way to the truth.

God, help us all.



Leave a comment

After only five or six hours of sleep, I ended up spending three hours doing internal psychological work better known as “spiritual warfare.” Facing one’s self is difficult, but the realizations I had were incredible, too.

The point is not what ideas I come to but whether or not they create lasting, transformative effects on me and everyone else. That’s what we’re in this for; that’s what we want; that’s what we need.

I forgave people. So many people. And I’ve never known how to forgive. I still don’t know if I know how to forgive, but I did, and I tried my best, and I let go on some level.

My heart doesn’t feel so blocked anymore. I feel somewhat lighter.

Maybe there is something to this forgiveness idea after all.


Author’s Note: I wrote this nearly a month ago, so things have changed since then.

Updates Slightly Postponed

Leave a comment

So far, they’re postponed because of the crisis in Japan.

But I have been reciting the dhikr like crazy. All our energy needs to go to Japan and the Ring of Fire in order to try to make everything better for them.

My mind is so muddled by all that’s going on, but at least my Japanese is improving.

Earthquake in Japan.

Leave a comment

A (Long Overdue) Response to A Red State Mystic

Leave a comment

Well, a while back, A Red State Mystic, who happens to be an excellent blogger and Anglo-Catholic mystic with refreshing perspectives on spirituality and a sharp intellect to boot, asked a question about something I had posted on here.

The question had to do with something I said about how God ultimately is the one to take things from us.

In the end, our vices, our shortcomings, our failures, and so on- these are taken by God. It isn’t that we can’t, in the mean time, try to curb our wrongdoings and vices, but the actual DRIVE that cause us to want to do those things is taken by God. That’s how it works. God rips it out of us, and it’s no longer there.

Our own efforts, in the end, count for very little.

In the actual Christian theology, this may seem to violate the concept of free will, but the free will part comes in where we allow God to take from us the vices and problems and darkness. So we still participate, but we aren’t the ultimate captains of the ship, as it were.

I’m tired, it’s late, and I almost just typed, “I’m late, it’s tired,” so I can’t continue with this blog. But know that ultimately God is the one working on us.



Leave a comment

When things stop seeming so real, life is much easier to deal with.

I’m still going through a lot of depression, and it’ll be like that for a few minutes, then suddenly be gone, and I’ll feel confident and capable. This is a rapid-cycle spiral of some sort, and I have no idea in what it’s going to end. Hopefully it leads to Nirvana.

Reading Jean-Paul Sartre and reading up on Ramakrishna


Older Entries