Last night and today, the Great War between my mother and I finally ended in an explosive, honest confrontation that pulled out the real issues.

There’s way too much to document here, but I am completely aware now that humans so often misunderstand one another that terrible things happen all the time.

At the same time as I endured this, my friend Kelly also went through a trouble time, only with her daughter. I can only say that it must be a time for honesty and reality to come through.

My mother found so many of the things that I thought about her to be strange; like she couldn’t believe that I would have ever thought those things about her and so on. It’s strange to see everything out in the truth, to have all these years of unspoken resentment and bitterness spewed out and worked through.

Today, I did something that I am relatively good at doing. I managed to find the summary and explain what the actual problem of the situation was: my mother knows something is wrong with me, but with her level of awareness and understanding, she can’t begin to name the problem, and furthermore, she is absolutely unable to give me the answer and solution to my problem, and that puts her in a place where she feels compromised as a parent.

But the further issue is that I myself am aware of the problem without knowing exactly how to name it.

For a long time, I know I’ve suffered from anxiety, depression, and (repressed) rage. These are all normal human emotions within a certain continuum, but whatever’s going on with me seems to be incredibly potent and more consistent than for a lot of people.

What I’m seeing now is something I hadn’t really seen before- the social anxiety, the depression, all these things, are only epiphenomena of something much deeper that’s going on. Since it’s all been happening since before I really cracked down on the mysticism, I can only wonder what the source of it is.

God willing, I will discover the reality of it, and I pray that I’ll heal myself so that I can heal the world. No human should have to endure this, and I pray that for others, it is easier than it is for me. Others have had it worse than I, that’s true, but this is like being plunged into hell. I really hope I live to come out on the other side.

Beaux


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