Inconsistencies Noticed

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Often when Gnostics argue against the Creation myth of orthodox Christianity, they do so by understanding the myth from a literalistic point of view. If this indeed the case, yes, the Genesis myth says some terrible things about God, and as God throughout the Old Testament is portrayed, he is often not fit for worship.

If and only if we take it 100% literally as factual history.

The issue here is that Gnostics take their own Scriptures most often as being symbolic, metaphorical, and having many layers of meaning to them- but rarely do modern Gnostics understand their own Scriptures as being 100% literal and historically accurate. So the question that I have is why this same principle and method of exploration is not applied to the Creation myth according to Genesis.

The Temptation and the Fall of Mankind have a completely different meaning when taken symbolically- it isn’t that God is cruel and that we’re horrible and disobedient; rather, it’s an Existential situation in which mankind makes a choice to leave the Divine and bears the consequences thereof. It all comes down to free-will and choice and reaction. God never abandoned us; we abandoned God, in other words. HUMANS created the rift between the spiritual and the material, between the Divine and the Mundane.

But in the same way, when Christ comes, it shows that God has not forgotten us. God still loves us. God still wants us. And God’s immersion and incarnation into the material realm, along with His life, death, and resurrection (the return to the spiritual, in other words) repaired the rift that we created. Man created the rift, and God, in the form of man, repaired it for us.

Naturally, that doesn’t explain why suffering exists and does not explain the problem of evil, which is probably the first thing someone would point out. But perhaps that’s what Genesis tells us- leaving the Divine abode creates evil inside of us. This is a Neo-Platonic idea that evil is the absence of good, not unlike how cold is the absence of heat.

We might also question mankind’s motives for leaving the Divine abode. Why would we do it and do so collectively? This is the important part of the story, the nagging question that arises in the mystical understanding of the orthodox myth.

The Gnostic account is much more helpful here, as the “fall” is no “fall” at all but the beginning of liberation from the false god. Christ’s eventual coming is a finishing of the liberation of mankind begun by Sophia and a redeeming of the material world that ultimately belongs to Sophia anyway.

I find it interesting to note that Sophia’s fall in Gnosticism is much more indicative of humanity’s fall or analogous to humanity’s fall in the orthodox account, and Christ redeems Her; and then, in turn, when mankind is created in an enslaved fashion, Sophia begins the process of redemption for mankind, and Christ again is the ultimate Redeemer.

Another humorous thought I have about why the Catholic traditions don’t take so much of the Scripture literally is because of the literal belief in transubstantiation. You don’t have to really believe too much of the Bible to be 100% accurate when your God shows up to every single Mass, do you?


A Few Important Notes


Long time, no update, but there’s been quite a bit going on within a small frame of time.

The first thing to note is essentially a dream that I had recently- I was inside a kind of complex of Catholic churches that had altars made of increasingly precious materials. The search was ultimately to go through a maze of these buildings until we could find the chapel that was made entirely out of gold. This, however, including going through Hell itself- not a fun part when we had to cross through rivers of liquid fire, I daresay.

But such was the case. The altars and chapels became increasingly beautiful, though I didn’t dream of the golden chapel at any point.

Moving on, another important note that I’ve come across recently with regards to paradigms: we might suggest that there is an Omega factor in religion, even in Christianity, whereby God never changes and therefore, the way in which God relates to us does not change.

But what does change is everything else- the world around us, us, and the way we relate to God; and the key and most subtle note here is to know that the way that we understand God is relating to us DOES change. That means OUR UNDERSTANDING of what and how God relates to us can and does change.

The point is that I had not considered a very important aspect of the paradigm- that there must necessarily be an accommodating aspect, an aspect that allows for change and flexibility, lest the paradigm not survive at all.

This is where the issue with Christianity comes in and is something I’ve been trying to articulate for a long time. The Roman Church, for instance, has tried to become more flexible and to accommodate for certain changes in the world around us and our culture- but they have done so with the WRONG ASPECT OF THEIR PARADIGM. Instead of allowing women as priests and for gays to marry, they worry about “lightening up” on the Mass itself. This is ridiculous at best.

So maybe the Anglicans have figured out the best aspects of the paradigm, so sometimes they go a little nutty, too.


Gnosticism: A Few Points Considered with Regards to Where I Stand


Maybe this is more of the intellectual masturbation that I despise so much, but while listening to Troy Pierce speak earlier, I learned something important: one must always know or at least have some idea of where one is spiritually. The Golden Sufis insist that you cannot know where you are, at least in one sense, and maybe this is true, but at the same time, on a more conscious level, we can have some sense of the framework in which we operate.

Troy also made the point that one’s understanding and conceptions may be proved wrong and that these constantly evolve and change, at least in some respect, and on this point, I would heavily agree with him and think it could account for why it appears that I “switch” religions so often. Elsewhere, I’ve commented that a core of what I hold to be true and have encountered has remained the same, while the specifics and aesthetics have fluctuated. Overall, I may need to take into account that my own understanding at this point in time could be wrong and that what I’m writing about isn’t anything that the Gnostics don’t know.

To date, I have found no system that expresses what I know and experience 100% accurately, which means that either I’m misunderstanding my experiences, what the system teaches, or that the traditions simply don’t account for my experiences, or that every system is ultimately going to have gaps in it, as I mentioned before concerning paradigms.

The follow points are major features that Bishop Stephan Hoeller of the Ecclesia Gnostica has made, which I will address accordingly.

  • The Gnostics posited an original spiritual unity that came to be split into a plurality.

Sure, I can buy this. The original spiritual unity is God. This would even mesh with orthodoxy in many ways- except that orthodoxy wouldn’t see God as splitting necessarily, but that’s not the point. Some of the Neo-Platonic explanations of God that influenced the orthodoxy would say the same thing, so I’m generally in agreement here.

  • As a result of the precosmic division, the universe was created. This was done by a leader possessing inferior spiritual powers and who often resembled the Old Testament Jehovah.
  • A female emanation of God was involved in the cosmic creation (albeit in a much more positive role than the leader).

While I do think that the division of God led to the origin of the universe, I do not think that the universe was created by the demiurge. My own experiences have indicated that Christ/Logos is the universe, the physicality and materiality, the Divine Manifest, as it were. This is exemplified in many places, including the Holy Eucharist and my own experiences with Christ as the Earth Father Archetype. To say that Christ is matter may not be exactly correct, though, but I haven’t worked through this mystery entirely. We’ll see what happens.

So my view is that the Creation is basically good and part of the Good, and that the demiurge somehow corrupted it and created a sort of veil over it. This may psychologically analogous to the creation of the ego. Matter does not have an ego in and of itself, and the body is not evil in and of itself- it is the ignorance that is created and overlaid by the ego that causes us to lose sight of any kind of profound Truth in the world.

As far as Sophia’s role in this goes, it would make sense to say that she makes an attempt to participate in the Creation process, albeit without Christ/Logos, and in doing so begets the demiurge. But because Sophia IS the Divine Syzygy of Christ/Logos, this causes a corruption in the Form.

  • In the cosmos, space and time have a malevolent character and may be personified as demonic beings separating man from God.

Sure. Essentially our perceptions of space and time are projections of the human mind and not necessarily something that exists objectively; they’re convenient notions to explain our experiences.

  • For man, the universe is a vast prison. He is enslaved both by the physical laws of nature and by such moral laws as the Mosaic code.

We aren’t separate from the universe, and the universe is essentially not separate from God. Our minds are what trap us, not the universe- our particular psychological configuration and misunderstanding, as it were. Moral laws such as the Mosaic code are well-meaning but often ridiculous in the face of better, clearer, and simpler codes that are much more effective and cause far less damage, so I would agree here.

  • Mankind may be personified as Adam, who lies in the deep sleep of ignorance, his powers of spiritual self-awareness stupefied by materiality.

Again, the materiality is not the problem, unless this refers to a preoccupation with the so-called “things of this world,” whereby we mean people who have no sense of a deeper ontological experience than seeking sex, money, and fame or the routine of getting up, going to work, and going home again, or having a wife and 2.5 kids. So depending on the understanding here, I may indeed be in agreement.

  • Within each natural man is an “inner man,” a fallen spark of the divine substance. Since this exists in each man, we have the possibility of awakening from our stupefaction.

Yes, I agree here, except that I think we actually ontologically consist of the divine substance itself, which is ultimately Christ, and that our minds or egos (and perhaps even Selves) occlude this as a reality, because it’s essentially unbelievable and counter-intuitive.

  • What effects the awakening is not obedience, faith, or good works, but knowledge.

Here, of course, “knowledge” is a reference to gnosis, and I agree. Obedience counts for very little; faith is helpful, as it is essentially a way of knowing if understood outside the paradigm of mere blind belief (that is, because someone just told you so), and good works are beneficial but do not necessarily contribute to salvation.

  • Before the awakening, men undergo troubled dreams.

Boy, do they ever. I agree 100%. Troubled dreams is an understatement.

  • Man does not attain the knowledge that awakens him from these dreams by cognition but through revelatory experience, and this knowledge is not information but a modification of the sensate being.

Indeed, and this point may be the absolute pinnacle of every point made in the list; that is, salvation is not a matter of just randomly having a new paradigm or learning something new, it is an actual, real, and definite modification of the organism and being on the fundamental level of reality, at the ground of being.

  • The awakening (i.e., the salvation) of any individual is a cosmic event.


  • Since the effort is to restore the wholeness and unity of the Godhead, active rebellion against the moral law of the Old Testament is enjoined upon every man.1

I would agree and extend this to say the general structures of any non-sensical moral code should be thrown out. It’s one thing to live by standards or principles that are well-reasoned and can be tested in practical reality with little damage to one’s self or others, while it’s another thing to simply swallow rules that have no substance to them other than someone screaming “BECAUSE GOD SAID SO.” At the same time, I would argue, for instance, that lying isn’t good, that murder isn’t good, that adultery isn’t good- you see what I mean. But stoning people to death equally isn’t good- so there you have it.

But more than this, Christ Himself, as per the Gospels, creates a summary of the Law that essentially stands superior to it while simultaneously being more challenging: Love God with All You Are, and Love Every Human with All You Are.

I cannot accept that the Creation is ontologically flawed. This is a point where I’m in sharp contradistinction to the Gnostic mythos. In the Catechism of the Ecclesia Gnostica, of course, there’s a point made that the matter which the demiurge uses to create the world according to the Gnostic myth still comes from Sophia and is therefore not entirely bad or disconnected from God.

The Gnostic mythos, of course, is not clear, cut, and dry, and it’s open to interpretation. While I don’t necessarily see the said characters above as literal entities with their own personalities and whatnot, I do see principles working in the universe, and of course the reality is that God and the Aeons may categorically be beyond anything of which we can conceive.

An interesting implication to point out is that while the Gnostics essentially say the demiurge created the universe, it’s also out of Sophia that he creates the universe- we might think of it as being the afterbirth, and thus the Sophia is intimately connected to matter.

Bernadette Roberts says the bit about our being made out of Christ as a kind of Eternal Form (but not in the Platonic sense, or at least as she understands it) without quite going to the point of saying, “Christ is matter.” So it’s interesting to see the connection that they have in their respective positions despite her not including Sophia and being more orthodox minded.

I do sharply disagree with Bernadette when she suggests that Gnosticism has never been representative of authentic Christian mysticism. While her ultimate insights into Christianity are indeed beautiful and make the religion make sense and essentially redeem it from the 2000 years worth of bullshit that it’s included, she DOES go so far outside of actual Christian orthodoxy that it’s strange she would even dare suggest that the Gnostics are somehow inauthentic Christian mystics when her own path overlaps with the Gnostics so many times that she could well be placed in the same category as them.

But then, she is human, and humans have flaws, and she’s not even sure of everything that goes on with her, so I’m not attacking her or blaming her, only pointing out that it’s strange that she goes outside the line and it’s okay for her to do so and challenge the Church but not okay for people who have been doing that for nearly 2000 years to do the same thing- in other words, many Christians wouldn’t consider Bernadette Christian by virtue that she’s Catholic, and secondly, many Catholics who read her mystical account wouldn’t consider her Catholic by virtue of the number of Catholic teachings she disavows.

Just some thoughts.


The Most Terrifying Mystical Experience I’ve Ever Had

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This morning, sometime after 4 AM, I had the single most terrifying mystical experience I’ve ever had, something I’ve never encountered for this prolonged period of time before, something that is inexplicable and that I haven’t encountered in the literature or documentation.

Something disappeared- perhaps we could say the ego, maybe we could even say the Self, though I will be the first to say that I still had a sense of emotions, so my thoughts were that the Self still existed somewhere. But something definitely ended, at least temporarily, and this was terrifying.

The boundaries between myself and the rest of reality became unclear; I may as well have been the room observing the body of Stevo walk around. Now, I want to point out, there wasn’t a sense of having been projected “out” of my body- that’s not what I mean, so don’t offer an explanation of astral projection. What I mean is that I could have been the pillow my head was on or the ceiling fan for all it mattered- the distinction, the boundary, was completely gone.

My main concern was that my body might die this way, that something might happen, and that I might be unable to survive. But I turned to God, and I said that in life and in death, I belong to Him, because that’s what mattered. Even if I were to die, I would die belonging to God.

The experience was terrifying because I had no idea where it came from- it just suddenly was as I got up to go to the bathroom, and I was astonished, or something was astonished, at what was going on.

Needless to say, this makes the mystery of what a human being is exactly even more profound, because we’re certainly more than we appear to be.

Eventually, the ego returned, and I finally went to sleep. But during the time that it was gone, I can’t totally remember what happened or what I did, except for being in bed and watching this no-ego state go on. Quite strange, if you ask me, to not know the difference between me and the bed and the room around me.


Paradigm and Considerations


Despite my former blog having a part in it going on about avoiding mere speculation, this blog will deal with some things that are important to consider on the mystic’s path.

My new friend Erik and I have discussed mysticism and specifically Gnosticism at length recently, and some of the ideas we’ve touched on are important to share here. My friend Wes, too, has touched on this with me.

Most of the time, I make a point to the people who are more literalistic in their understanding of the Bible that the map is not the territory. This same principle can be extended to any kind of paradigm, and my major problem in the history of religious consideration is seeing that different world views are sometimes superimposed on reality, many of which are simply not correct. The fundamentalist Christian world view is not only incorrect, it’s also mixed with misunderstandings and at times, purposely distorted information.

But other world views, such as those of the mystics, aren’t entirely correct, either. Different religious traditions have different core views on things, even if in the end we’re all celebrating the One Great Truth or God or what have you.

So, let’s get cracking at this.

The point to consider with any paradigm is that it has limitations. Certain things were not historically and are not presently taken into account in said paradigms. The traditional Christian world view, for instance, does not account for extraterrestrial life or UFOs. This is simply not part of the system, and anyone who suggests that it is seriously has to read it into the text or make guesswork on it. Little grey men with huge eyes are not part of Christianity, and they’re not even really allowed for in the more orthodox view of things, even if the Church is now trying to accommodate for the potential of aliens in the present era.

But better still, for the mystic, it is good to remember that not everything is going to fit into the paradigm. Gnosticism has been the one “catch-all” system that I’ve found so far. It contains the elements that are necessarily mystical while also containing the imagery of Christianity that is so dear to me and also containing the truths of various “pagan” traditions. However, even then, it’s fair to say that Gnosticism doesn’t have room for everything, and…that’s okay!

It’s okay to have a paradigm that doesn’t consider everything. It’s okay to have a paradigm into which you can’t fit every experience. What’s important is to understand that many of the mystic’s experiences are off the charts, off the maps, and not in the literature. And that’s OKAY! We don’t have to force-fit everything into some kind of intellectual framework.

But we also don’t have to do the opposite, which is constantly expanding the paradigm until there is no paradigm. That becomes problematic in a different way, because we’re essentially left groping in the dark for something we cannot find. There is no sign pointing to where we’re supposed to go from there, and we can get lost more easily.

Not everyone is comfortable working within a system. And that’s okay, too! Some people are better at seeking when they don’t have presuppositions or too many reference points. I found my problem was the opposite- with no reference point whatsoever, I had NO sense of direction.

What’s your path like? What has it been like?

Comments are incredibly welcome to these questions!


The Past Few Days

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From what I can tell, something inside of me has indeed changed or altered- and whatever has changed or altered hasn’t become undone for something like a week at this point, and so I’m beginning to guess that this must be largely permanent, even if there are fluctuations within the state of being.

Now, what exactly has changed, I cannot begin to explain to you- I’m not totally sure what’s gone or altered. The Self is still present- there’s definitely an emotional system and a sense of being alive. So, too, the ego still seems to be around, which is to say that I still have a sense of an “I” within me.

But what has changed? How can I begin to explain it?

First, there’s been the tiredness or the Grace of God or what have you that has almost not let up at all. There seems to be a great, deep stillness within me, but that may not even be the correct word. Peace doesn’t do it justice, either- it’s just something deep that isn’t moving as it once was, which is not something that most people would understand.

Here and there I’ve also had incredible bursts of love and affection, a sense of seeing other humans as essentially my children. In seeing other people as my children, I came to an understanding that I didn’t have before. My sense of being different from them is not necessarily a matter of feeling superior to other people but seeing the difference in spiritual maturity that allows for me to be compassionate towards even the most hateful of people. There are still human tendencies in me where I can see that I don’t like certain people or have a sense of anger at others, but these things aren’t terribly strong.

Last night, a certain kind of mystery was revealed to me that I can explain here but that will likely be beyond the comprehension of those who hear it. I’ll take the words of the Lord Jesus Christ and use them: let he who has ears, listen.

When I tried to meditate, I found my mind was particularly filled with music, and so I decided to look up music online. I talk about the “brain radio” that I have- I can hear a song, and my brain will encode so many details about the song that it’s difficult for me to not hear the music constantly. The playing in my head is constantly, and this has been going on since childhood, I know. The dhikr, if placed here, could be and would be repeated automatically with no volition of my own, and that’s the way it should be.

In the meantime, I looked up the music from video games that I played in my childhood, and hearing the music, I began to understand why music calls me in the way that it does, why I have been drawn into the world of music, why I love music- it is because it is God crying to Himself. This is difficult to explain, but there is a saying of the Sufis about a man who cried to God, and khidr comes to him to tell him, “Do you not realize that your, ‘Allah, Allah, Allah’ was His ‘Here I Am?'”

This takes us to a point that is purely experiential. You come to understand that it is only God who loves, only God who rejoices, and only God. ONLY GOD. The meaning of the shahada, “La ilaha illa Allah” becomes clear at this point- there is no God but God, there is no Divinity that is not Divinity, that ultimately, God is the one who experiences, who rejoices- all Hope is God’s, all Joy is God’s, all Love is God’s.

But this makes no sense to us, as humans- why, then, are we the ones who suffer, who seemingly contain this experience of God? I have no idea.

I do know in hearing the music last night and being caught in the fit between laughter and tears that I kept looking up at the crucifix on my wall and had a distinct impression that I finally understood what it is that Jesus had been trying to tell me all this time. I understand the mystery that Jesus attempted to explain, but His Mystery is beyond words, pure and simple. At least right now the Mystery is beyond words. Maybe in the future, I’ll be able to explain it.

Today, I awoke with a sense of love burning in my heart, and I had, for one of the first times in my life, the sense of burning with love AND the sense of being the guy I am supposed to be, a working together of both the heart chakra and the solar plexus chakra, something that had been a kind of intellectual antagonism before. This, too, should eventually reveal the mysterious connection between Sufism and Christianity, though my ultimate guess is that the Gnostics show a perfect Sufi relationship in the central redemptive myth of Sophia’s fall and her subsequent longing for Christ, whereupon Christ saves her by command of the Father. I look forward to the further revelation of these things.

To have a sense of who you are, who you truly are, and for it to be something that is beyond a narrow social definition and at the same time for it to not be some weird, abstract sense of the Buddha-nature is a powerful experience indeed- and what I mean is that the Buddha-nature and Atman are discussed in terms of this kind of faceless, personality-less sense of being, and this is clearly not the case. There is a distinction among personality and ego and Self, and with all the garbage and mental masturbation that goes on about spirituality these days, it’s ridiculous to see that nobody gets something this simple.

But of course, a great deal of what we see today has nothing to do with experience- instead, people spew out the accounts and speculations of others and have absolutely nothing of their own to contribute, and this is a great error in our age.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be so critical, as I’ve made the same mistake- just look at what happens when I get interested in orthodox Christianity. But the truth is, I’m not an orthodox Christian, and I may not even be Christian for that matter, and hell, I may not even be Sufi! Who knows at this point?


The Light


My current circumstances are somewhat odd. A new focus has been taken up inside of me with respect to the dhikr and the repetition of the Name of God.

The Grace of God has been descending constantly for a few days. The only way to explain this is to say that a certain kind of inner and deep tranquility is present- not perfected, not complete, but I am aware of its presence somewhere.

I’ve had an interesting week- first, having contact with a new Gnostic friend named Erik who helped to clarify many things about Gnosticism to me; second, celebrating (or not celebrating) my birthday; third, having some intense spiritual experiences on top of that.

Last week, I realized I would have to make a concerted effort at repeating the Name of God. I’ve meditated nightly for a year and a half, only to have barely any “results,” as it were; in other words, I cannot see a profound difference in myself even if it’s possible that one exists. So in the moments when my emotions would go awry, in the moments when I would be worried about something, in the moments when my sex drive would attempt to usurp me, I would necessarily repeat the Name of God even harder.

All these things came to point at something interesting- I’ve said many times that my religion is Beauty, or that I seem to go for the religion that appears to be most Beautiful at any given moment. Beauty and Majesty are the two major means that are discussed in Sufism- and moreover, these two are also likely hypostases of God in Gnosticism- Beauty certainly is.

While commenting on Beauty and Majesty is too complicated at this point and beyond the scope of this entry, it’s something to point out- that Beauty calls to me, and that I can offer up my attention on bad emotions and feelings to the focus on Beauty.

So, let’s begin with May 10th. I had an overwhelming sense of tiredness. But as Nick the Buddhist once said, Americans can’t tell the difference between relaxation and falling asleep- once an American begins to relax, they think they’re falling asleep because they’re so accustomed to being stressed out. All the stress did not leave, but an almost mindless did appear, and certainly the thinking processes seem to have been slowed down and almost stopped into total silence at points- and this is in full, waking consciousness.

I stayed at a friend’s house until 5:30 in the morning- my birthday- because of the great conversations that the people present were having, and then I drove home.

But instead of going inside and straight to bed, I walked around outside- truly something different and new for me. The exhaustion was beyond a normal exhaustion, and everything seemed magical in a way, connected into some kind of great unity. The notion that we are inside of God and totally protected seemed quite apparent- and I didn’t have much of any kind of emotion at this point, only an interest in seeing the world around me.

Later that day, the experience of the Grace of God was still with me- a kind of tiredness and detachment.

The same thing the next day, whereupon I had a dream of receiving the Holy Eucharist- actually being in a church at Mass, walking up to the altar, kneeling, receiving the Eucharist (albeit in my hand), and then consuming it. This was the first time I’ve ever had that kind of dream, which implies something.

And now, today- the tiredness, the relaxation, the Grace of God, is here.

But last night, while asleep, I had an experience. A kind of spiritual teacher was talking to me, and then I recall seeing light. In the dream, the first impression I had was that the light was simply a lamp overhead, and I began chanting the Name of God. As I repeated it, the light grew brighter and brighter. At this point, I was no longer dreaming- I could hear the sounds in my room around me. So the light became brighter and brighter and hotter and hotter- I recall distinctly the heat- and I remember feeling a lightness on the lower part of my body, as though I were no longer connected to it, or as though it were floating upwards.

I entered the light, however briefly, to the point where my room around me went silent. This sounds interesting but in reality is tremendously terrifying. Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee would state the the light is the Higher Self, which is, of course, a spark of God’s light, or the Gnostic might also say a spark of Christ’s light.

Then it was over, and I was awake- the fear of what was happening always seems to stay with me into the silence.

I’ve seen the light several times in my life and still have yet to fully understand what it is or why I see it in said situations. What I do know is that as I repeated the Name of God, the light increased in intensity. The increase in light may not be apparent on the regular level of consciousness, but I’m almost sure that it happens regardless. What this ultimately means is that the dhikr has been doing more than I realized, coinciding quite well with the realization I had back in January after everything went to hell when I stopped saying the dhikr. This slight bit of encouragement is all I need, and especially in a positive sense, to keep doing it faithfully.

Another realization that I’ve had is that to repeat the dhikr is constantly draw Beauty into the world. This is important since Beauty is important.

The wife of my former preacher used to say something that I think is not just ill-informed but incredibly stupid- she said that the Devil makes sin “beautiful” because he was the most beautiful angel. Essentially, she equated beauty with being malevolent- and I happen to have a problem with this as God is the author and origin of Beauty, not the Devil (or the demiurge, as it so happens.) So to suggest that sin is beautiful when grace is far more beautiful and God Itself is Infinite Beauty is to say something that amounts to bullshit.

On another note, I’m making a better attempt at celibacy of all forms. This is extremely difficult on the one hand but also a chance to offer the sexual energies to Beauty- which is what I really want. I really want Love, I really want Beauty- not just sexual pleasure. Thereto in addition, I’ve wondered if the phrase, “I will cry to Thee and cry to Thee until the milk of Thy Kindness boils up” has a reference to the transmutation of semen and sexual energy. Certainly the imagery of semen and milk is common, from what I’ve seen, and it seems that the dhikr does cause the energy to move up the spine.

It’s true that I think our society is oversexed. That doesn’t mean that I look down upon people who have sex for pleasure or outside of marriage- they’re entitled to do as they please. What I’ve seen, though, is that while sexual release gives a temporary sense of relief, ultimately, it can also drain one of energy entirely and that it creates a kind of slight emotional instability. This is a subtle process, not a blatant one, and only when one sees it over and over again and knows how bad one will feel after too many orgasms does one “get” it.

But that’s only from my personal experience- maybe other people don’t feel so terrible about sexual release, and if they don’t, more power to them.

The sex drive is incredibly powerful and incredibly capable of producing strange thoughts for the sake of its own release. The sex drive can literally trick you into thinking you’re in love with someone- or that you could love them- in order to get you to have an orgasm. It’s that powerful.

But really, all it wants is the orgasm.

Truly being in love with someone goes deeper than sexuality. This is a hard truth that people in our culture don’t really grasp so many times.

And the reality is, when the heat of the moment strikes, when sexual passions strikes, it is difficult to resist, to stop it. The sex drive is extremely compelling! It’s not like we can just “control” ourselves without leading to some serious repression.

Thus, spiritual practices are necessary to transmute the energy unless one just receives a special grace from God- and lucky is that person.

Again, I’m not trying to demonize orgasm, I’m not trying to demonize sex- no moral or value judgments here. Instead, I’m attempting to look at things practically, to point out that sexuality is extremely powerful and that we must be extremely careful about our sexuality because it can not only hurt us but can also hurt other people as well.

The rant for today is done.


Lady Gaga’s “The Edge of Glory”

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This song seriously makes me think of the mystic’s journey- even if Gaga isn’t referring to God, per se, this is how the journey with God is. One comes to the “edge of glory,” a point just before a complete and utter transition into God’s glory- God’s glory will sweep us away, this much is true.


Two Things Learned Recently

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First, I encountered something the other night that was highly disturbing in a way that should have had me posting about it sooner than now- I looked directly at the feeling inside of myself that I was better than other people.

Now, this particular feeling happened to be deep inside of me, and as I understand it, the further down the spinal column one goes, the older the emotional energy is- so the most primary and basic emotional patterns are locked somewhere in the pelvic region and below, if you can follow this.

So I happened upon this feeling, a very basic and old feeling that I’m better than other people. No ifs, ands, or buts- and I allowed myself to feel it. The trick at this point isn’t to judge the feeling, which is the typical response- the trick is to feel what you really feel or what you seem to feel and then go from there. We have no hope of changing how we feel and think if we don’t first accept what we’re really feeling.

In our society, to explicitly state that you feel more important and that you’re better than another person is an extreme breach of the culture: we take the notion that all are created equal seriously and to incredible extremes.

The realistic part of this is that yes, we are created equal by God (or the universe), and that we all have the inherent dignity of a human being. But equality ceases at that vey point, beyond our essentially humanity. Some people are indeed more beautiful than others, some stronger, some faster, some smarter, some richer, some more successful- there’s no end to the level of inequality that exists in the world.

In the USA, the issue of inequality comes down to being a matter of institutionalized inequality- it’s a matter of trying to make sure that every person has a fighting chance in their pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness.

Somewhere along the lines, people have misunderstood that.

But in the same way, to feel that one is better than another person is also morally outrageous in the internal world. What kind of a human feels he is better, inherently, than another person? And for what reasons? Yet that very feeling appeared inside of me, welled up, argued for its case, and I simply allowed myself to feel it so that I could go on with my life.

During the course of my day (this was Friday), I tried to see in which cases that feeling unconsciously controlled me- and I had this sick feeling my hatred for the South and country people came from the sense that I am somehow superior to them, and that I seriously don’t want to be here and want to be with people who are on my level instead of constantly associating with the riff-raff. Appalling, to say the least, and I’m still not done wrestling with it.

Last night and this morning, things shifted, and I was shown something else, something incredibly new to me but apparently incredibly old- a sense of unworthiness. This sense of unworthiness is one of the oldest feeling I’ve ever seen inside of me, as it didn’t appear within any specific chakra- rather, it felt like my entire pelvis, hips and all, were composed of unworthiness. That’s how strong, ingrained, automatic, and real these feelings are- as though my very body is composed of that substance, which again is horrifying.

As I felt the unworthiness, as I faced it, my hips and pelvis in general began to feel like they were “loosening” up, that some kind of great burden was being lifted, and the release of the tension made my body relax in general and also began to free up energy in my heart chakra. The upper part of my heart seems to have a kind of blockage in it that I’ve worked on for years, and the blockage seems to be related to the problems in the lower chakras- the more I clear them, the more it seems the heart is cleared as well.

The point of these feelings and experiences is not to say that the feelings are accurate about reality- the point is to face them, to allow them to be experienced, and then to do something about it. If one feels a certain way, no amount of rational convincing will change that. To the contrary, only a shift in consciousness and feelings in general change the way one feels.

And that’s easier said than done!

Anyway, that’s all for now.


God is Sneaky.

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So much for the unitive state that lasted for 12 whole hours…what happened? Why did I come out of it? That’s rather disappointing, to say the least. Good grief, and I was so happy about it, too.


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