First, I encountered something the other night that was highly disturbing in a way that should have had me posting about it sooner than now- I looked directly at the feeling inside of myself that I was better than other people.

Now, this particular feeling happened to be deep inside of me, and as I understand it, the further down the spinal column one goes, the older the emotional energy is- so the most primary and basic emotional patterns are locked somewhere in the pelvic region and below, if you can follow this.

So I happened upon this feeling, a very basic and old feeling that I’m better than other people. No ifs, ands, or buts- and I allowed myself to feel it. The trick at this point isn’t to judge the feeling, which is the typical response- the trick is to feel what you really feel or what you seem to feel and then go from there. We have no hope of changing how we feel and think if we don’t first accept what we’re really feeling.

In our society, to explicitly state that you feel more important and that you’re better than another person is an extreme breach of the culture: we take the notion that all are created equal seriously and to incredible extremes.

The realistic part of this is that yes, we are created equal by God (or the universe), and that we all have the inherent dignity of a human being. But equality ceases at that vey point, beyond our essentially humanity. Some people are indeed more beautiful than others, some stronger, some faster, some smarter, some richer, some more successful- there’s no end to the level of inequality that exists in the world.

In the USA, the issue of inequality comes down to being a matter of institutionalized inequality- it’s a matter of trying to make sure that every person has a fighting chance in their pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness.

Somewhere along the lines, people have misunderstood that.

But in the same way, to feel that one is better than another person is also morally outrageous in the internal world. What kind of a human feels he is better, inherently, than another person? And for what reasons? Yet that very feeling appeared inside of me, welled up, argued for its case, and I simply allowed myself to feel it so that I could go on with my life.

During the course of my day (this was Friday), I tried to see in which cases that feeling unconsciously controlled me- and I had this sick feeling my hatred for the South and country people came from the sense that I am somehow superior to them, and that I seriously don’t want to be here and want to be with people who are on my level instead of constantly associating with the riff-raff. Appalling, to say the least, and I’m still not done wrestling with it.

Last night and this morning, things shifted, and I was shown something else, something incredibly new to me but apparently incredibly old- a sense of unworthiness. This sense of unworthiness is one of the oldest feeling I’ve ever seen inside of me, as it didn’t appear within any specific chakra- rather, it felt like my entire pelvis, hips and all, were composed of unworthiness. That’s how strong, ingrained, automatic, and real these feelings are- as though my very body is composed of that substance, which again is horrifying.

As I felt the unworthiness, as I faced it, my hips and pelvis in general began to feel like they were “loosening” up, that some kind of great burden was being lifted, and the release of the tension made my body relax in general and also began to free up energy in my heart chakra. The upper part of my heart seems to have a kind of blockage in it that I’ve worked on for years, and the blockage seems to be related to the problems in the lower chakras- the more I clear them, the more it seems the heart is cleared as well.

The point of these feelings and experiences is not to say that the feelings are accurate about reality- the point is to face them, to allow them to be experienced, and then to do something about it. If one feels a certain way, no amount of rational convincing will change that. To the contrary, only a shift in consciousness and feelings in general change the way one feels.

And that’s easier said than done!

Anyway, that’s all for now.

Beaux


Advertisements