Revelation of the Ordinary

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I’ve failed to actually write this blog, though I’ve been meaning to for some time. 

Revelation of the Ordinary is a particular kind of mystical experience that shows how the ordinary things of life are incredibly meaningful and beautiful. Most especially, we encounter this when we fall in love with someone that other people can’t quite understand- our love unveils for us the ordinariness of the person that infinitely meaningful and special that other people can’t begin to grasp, while the person in question doesn’t actually have any particular feature or quality that others can grasp. 

But the Revelation of the Ordinary also applies to us as individuals. We can come to terms with our ordinariness, which isn’t to demean the specialness we have. On the contrary, one realizes that everything and anything ordinary means something.

This specifically happened to me at work when looking at the safe. I’ve seen the safe my entire life, yet only the other day I looked at it, and it stood out, with all its dust and cobwebs, as something special, unique, and perfect in its own ordinariness. I certainly count this as a blessing.

In other news, my dreams have been disturbing and fluctuating and generally strange. Last night, I dreamed all night long. I’ve also had many emotional problems, many of them appearing in my dreams, including extreme anger and force of will that seem to be repressed or held back. I have many moments when everything seems to disappear, and sometimes I really do seem just to be a body walking around or moving. I’m not sure if that’s an ultra-aware state or a state where I’ve forgotten to be aware.

When I awoke on Sunday, I had the impression of a fire blazing throughout my body, from the inside, and then I had a temporary fear that I might spontaneously combust- which obviously did not happen, thank God.

I’ve had a renewed fervor in saying the “dhikr.” I have to always remember that I’m praying for God’s grace in saying it, that I’m not only saying “Iesu” for myself but for the whole world. This changes things around a bit.

There’s also an impression recently that either I or the world or both are on the edge of a cataclysm. I have a fear that God will judge the world, that the “angels are getting closer,” and that unless something gives soon, something changes majorly in the way humans behave, we’re going to encounter more darkness than we ever imagined.

Thus, I’ll continue to pray, and I hope everyone else will pray with me.

Beaux 

 

 

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Root Chakra, Ego, Accepting Self

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Contrary to what books I’ve read or ideas I’ve seen presented, in my case at least, I’ve discovered that the ego is located in the root chakra- a most unusual and surprising discovery. The root chakra has account for 99% of my troubles. And now I understand it, get it, to a better degree.

Mostly, I am realizing that the ego has to be accepted, traversed. Some traditions may differ in opinion on this matter; I’ll clearly state how I’m not here to debate. The ego has to be accepted, lived out, gone through, and offered up to God or the Higher Self or whatever term we might like to use.

Of course, a clarification of terminology may also be necessary, as that seems to be a big problem when I come across information that other people have put out there. “Ego” here refers more to the central structure in the psyche, not so much the personality or personas surrounding it. This territory is a bit subtle, and I’ll have to come back to later. Someone should definitely ask me or remind me.

Today, on the way to work, I had a strange experience of everything around me being new. Now, I knew everything I saw had been seen before- I could remember seeing it- but I saw things as though I were seeing them the first time. This has happened to me before, on a few nights driving home in particular, and now I wonder, truly, what it could mean. The experience or perception, like many, eventually faded.

My best guess is that this was a kind of weakening of the ego, a kind of temporary removal or “thinning” of the mental fog that it normally creates. It’s an extraordinary experience on the one hand, yet perfectly ordinary on the other.

My next entry will be, in fact, about the “Revelation of the Ordinary,” if I can remember to write it.

Beaux

 

 

Last Night and Personal Communion

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The past few nights have been awful. A good meditation is followed by a failed attempt to sleep, and then I awaken after only sleeping a few hours, which then leads me to a state of working on myself and accepting my Shadow and emotions, and then I can’t return to sleep for several hours. The whole process is horrific.

Twice last night, I asked my dreams to take me to the subconscious mind. The first time, I was met with darkness- just blankness, nothing really there. The second time, I saw light, and then when I demanded to be taken to the subconscious mind, something in my head seemed to crack open, and I heard a strange noise that I’ve never heard in waking life and saw an even brighter light. I realized the light couldn’t have been from my room, which is what caused me to continue to press towards it. The extremely bright light terrified me so much that it knocked me back into waking mind, and that was that.

Tonight I went in search of a self-communion ritual and found one, then Erik supplied me with another. Taking prayers from both of the rites, I created my own and put together as many elements of the Mass as I could. There are THREE DIFFERENT PARTS to the consecration, and after I said Mass, I checked the music and saw I had been doing the Mass for about 20 minutes or so. Amazing that it took that long but seemed more like five minutes. So many prayers to say, so many gestures to do!

Now, this of course would create a conflict in many people’s minds, as I am not a priest and have not received the sacrament of Holy Orders. But SOMETHING happened in the ritual, as I now feel very dizzy and have a good bit of anxiety. That’s not a terrible thing, and it’s decreasing, and no, I didn’t drink a great deal of the wine, either- only enough for me as I was the only one receiving the Blood, just a bit of a swallow, really. I can’t begin to imagine what I would’ve done to cause this to happen.

Anyway, at least I know the Personal Communion Ritual works and is fairly powerful from what I can tell.

More to come.

Beaux

 

Accepting the Sexual Being

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Some part of me has resisted the sexual part of myself. Even the escapades and visits with potential celibacy all point to the avoidance of sexuality or somehow taking it too seriously.

The real issue here has not been with sexuality in and of itself but that sexuality, at least for me, and likely in the wider culture, has lost its MEANING. What I mean to say is that there’s a difference between simply performing the sex act and the sex act actually having a meaning to it. So the real issue has been an internal separation from the meaning of sexuality within myself and not that sexuality is somehow inherently incorrect.

But there’s also the age-old sexuality issues and value judgments that I’ve likely held within myself and never truly stopped. Simply changing what one thinks isn’t the same as changing how one feels, and how does one change how one feels? The first step is to accept you feel that way.

So I first must accept that I do feel that sex is dirty, or that I’ve felt that sex is dirty.

I also have to accept that sex is natural and not the fault or consequence of something *I* have done; the sex drive is something that exists above and beyond the *I* I know in every day life. In other words, sexuality isn’t my fault; it’s just there, as so many other things are.

And sexuality motivates us a great deal in our life, for whatever reasons, mainly because of its extreme power. Now that I am more in touch with the meaning of sexuality, I can see why it has such a control- sexuality and meaning are somehow connected with one another in an intrinsic sort of way, as they are also both connected with love.

Today, my heart’s been more closed off than I would like. I did manage to cook for others, which always feels like the right thing to do. I hope my heart opens again soon and will get to the point of not closing off ever; the closed-off heart made it difficult to meditate last night, as the lack of love in my heart made it difficult to drown thoughts in love.

What a strange world we live in.

On Dreams from Last Night

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Since I’m making an attempt write at least daily or weekly in this journal, I’ll discuss a few images from my dreams last night.

In one dream, there was a guru of sorts who looked a great deal like Lord Shiva; he had a blue tinge and glowed at one point, and I remember that a rather regular looking guy with long hair and a beard discussed the superiority of Buddha’s teaching, and that the Shiva-guru’s face turned into a fierce form of the God. Shiva sat across from me while also sitting beside me, and the fierce form frightened me. He then took a more humorous look, but the scruffy, regular guy showed no fear and irritation with him.

In another dream, I was part of a live RPG of sorts. I was casting spells to up the statuses of my friends and protect them from being hurt.

I remember the fear of Jason or something coming, and he finally appeared; then I cast a demon out of him, though I can’t remember how I did this other than holding him down.

The dreams, again, were quite vivid while I was having them, very real.

My current goal is to speak with my dreams and trying to get them to take me directly to the core of the subconscious mind so I can speak with it directly. YAY for being a psychonaut!

Beaux

Long-Time, No Post

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I really, really should be focusing more on the posting of my blogs than I am here. I made a promise to try to post at least once a week and have failed at that as well. Craving Aletheia could be a great resource to discuss my spiritual developments, which is precisely what I founded it in the first place, but for some reason, I’ve simply not had as much to say.

To get to the point now, though, I should remark that I’m still doing the meditation every night and have recently figured out something beneficial. Allowing emotions to arise, allowing thoughts to arise, without completely jumping into them and running with them, is a good idea.

Sigmund Freud postulated that we are often motivated by unconscious and irrational forces. One friend of mine posted this once on his Facebook, only to have several of us stand to attention and begin to smack Freud. But at the same time, when my friend clarified what he meant, I think he does have a point- we are often motivated by unconscious and irrational forces.

To get to the point I need to make about this: once you realize that we are motivated by unconscious and irrational forces (yes, I’ve said this three times now) you begin to realize that we are not responsible for these forces- we cannot help them. That does not mean I advocate that we can on every single impulse we feel- what I mean is that I cannot be held accountable for an impulse that arises that’s beyond my control.

Instead, I opt to watch it, arising, without necessarily involving myself in it. I realize that when my feelings, especially the negative ones, have come up in recent years that I’ve had a horrible tendency to make a value judgment. If I feel hate, for instance, my first reaction is to try to get rid of it as quickly as possible.

A better idea is to observe the hate, to admit that I hate someone, to admit that I have hate burning inside of me, which brings us to another point- another friend of mine recently spoke of his situation and said that he hated someone, but he wasn’t consumed by it- he just hated the person, and that was that.

I realize that if one fights the emotion, one fights the impulses, then they will almost necessarily consume one- to try to stop hate inside of one’s self is to fuel its fire.

So I have to admit that I hate people. I do hate certain people. There are individuals and sometimes even groups of people whom I outright hate, and now I can admit that and forthrightly say that I hate them without holding back- and in the same moment, the consuming power of the hate of such groups is gone. I’m no longer consumed with the hate. Instead, I act in a practical manner and do loving things, if I may put it that way- even if I feel hate.

Eventually, when feeling the hate, when questioning, when examining it, it may fade away, or I may find there’s some kind of complex fueling it and will be able to restructure my thoughts.

This is really the issue I have with Jesus in some regards. He tells us not to hate our enemies- to forgive them and such- and then doesn’t explain how we to do that. I say admittance of the feeling, allowing one’s self to feel that feeling, is the first step, and then introspection is required.

Most of us can’t simply decide to stop feeling something. Most of us can’t simply make a decision that things are going to be a certain way in our minds and then make it that way. Most of us have different kinds of personalities, different kinds of experiences, and most of us are highly, highly socialized in this way or that. So I can’t account for everyone, only the majority of people that I’ve met and what I’ve seen in society.

Anyway, as I was meditating, I decided to get very serious with this Sufi meditation of the heart and drowning things in love. My heart doesn’t normally allow me to feel very much love- it may be some Divine ego-control going on, or it may be that I’m too cold of a person to feel the love in my heart normally, but either way, actually creating love in my heart has been the most difficult feat, not to mention some nights (most nights) I just sit and try to meditate.

I finally did manage to imagine myself diving into my own depths and finding a center where there dwells peace, bliss, and love, and combined with the arising of whatever feelings and allowing them to be dissolved into the love seemed to definitely help me out. I can feel my heart even burning with a bit of the love-fire at this point.

I haven’t felt the Grace of God in a long, long time. I waited and waited in the summer and never felt it. Then autumn arrived, and knowing the first time I felt it in the autumn of 2008, I had a greater sense I would feel it- but no, it wasn’t there are the equinox. Then yesterday, September 30th, I felt HER, the Divine SHE, blow in on the wind, into my work, in my heart, and I smiled and knew that God the Holy Spirit had descended once again in all Her Majesty, bringing with Her all Her Grace and Blessings. I couldn’t help but smile at this point- my heart was so full of joy, so full of hope, so full of love. I even feel tearful now as I write these words because of very, very precious God is in those moments.

I shall now wrap up this blog.

Beaux