I really, really should be focusing more on the posting of my blogs than I am here. I made a promise to try to post at least once a week and have failed at that as well. Craving Aletheia could be a great resource to discuss my spiritual developments, which is precisely what I founded it in the first place, but for some reason, I’ve simply not had as much to say.

To get to the point now, though, I should remark that I’m still doing the meditation every night and have recently figured out something beneficial. Allowing emotions to arise, allowing thoughts to arise, without completely jumping into them and running with them, is a good idea.

Sigmund Freud postulated that we are often motivated by unconscious and irrational forces. One friend of mine posted this once on his Facebook, only to have several of us stand to attention and begin to smack Freud. But at the same time, when my friend clarified what he meant, I think he does have a point- we are often motivated by unconscious and irrational forces.

To get to the point I need to make about this: once you realize that we are motivated by unconscious and irrational forces (yes, I’ve said this three times now) you begin to realize that we are not responsible for these forces- we cannot help them. That does not mean I advocate that we can on every single impulse we feel- what I mean is that I cannot be held accountable for an impulse that arises that’s beyond my control.

Instead, I opt to watch it, arising, without necessarily involving myself in it. I realize that when my feelings, especially the negative ones, have come up in recent years that I’ve had a horrible tendency to make a value judgment. If I feel hate, for instance, my first reaction is to try to get rid of it as quickly as possible.

A better idea is to observe the hate, to admit that I hate someone, to admit that I have hate burning inside of me, which brings us to another point- another friend of mine recently spoke of his situation and said that he hated someone, but he wasn’t consumed by it- he just hated the person, and that was that.

I realize that if one fights the emotion, one fights the impulses, then they will almost necessarily consume one- to try to stop hate inside of one’s self is to fuel its fire.

So I have to admit that I hate people. I do hate certain people. There are individuals and sometimes even groups of people whom I outright hate, and now I can admit that and forthrightly say that I hate them without holding back- and in the same moment, the consuming power of the hate of such groups is gone. I’m no longer consumed with the hate. Instead, I act in a practical manner and do loving things, if I may put it that way- even if I feel hate.

Eventually, when feeling the hate, when questioning, when examining it, it may fade away, or I may find there’s some kind of complex fueling it and will be able to restructure my thoughts.

This is really the issue I have with Jesus in some regards. He tells us not to hate our enemies- to forgive them and such- and then doesn’t explain how we to do that. I say admittance of the feeling, allowing one’s self to feel that feeling, is the first step, and then introspection is required.

Most of us can’t simply decide to stop feeling something. Most of us can’t simply make a decision that things are going to be a certain way in our minds and then make it that way. Most of us have different kinds of personalities, different kinds of experiences, and most of us are highly, highly socialized in this way or that. So I can’t account for everyone, only the majority of people that I’ve met and what I’ve seen in society.

Anyway, as I was meditating, I decided to get very serious with this Sufi meditation of the heart and drowning things in love. My heart doesn’t normally allow me to feel very much love- it may be some Divine ego-control going on, or it may be that I’m too cold of a person to feel the love in my heart normally, but either way, actually creating love in my heart has been the most difficult feat, not to mention some nights (most nights) I just sit and try to meditate.

I finally did manage to imagine myself diving into my own depths and finding a center where there dwells peace, bliss, and love, and combined with the arising of whatever feelings and allowing them to be dissolved into the love seemed to definitely help me out. I can feel my heart even burning with a bit of the love-fire at this point.

I haven’t felt the Grace of God in a long, long time. I waited and waited in the summer and never felt it. Then autumn arrived, and knowing the first time I felt it in the autumn of 2008, I had a greater sense I would feel it- but no, it wasn’t there are the equinox. Then yesterday, September 30th, I felt HER, the Divine SHE, blow in on the wind, into my work, in my heart, and I smiled and knew that God the Holy Spirit had descended once again in all Her Majesty, bringing with Her all Her Grace and Blessings. I couldn’t help but smile at this point- my heart was so full of joy, so full of hope, so full of love. I even feel tearful now as I write these words because of very, very precious God is in those moments.

I shall now wrap up this blog.