Some part of me has resisted the sexual part of myself. Even the escapades and visits with potential celibacy all point to the avoidance of sexuality or somehow taking it too seriously.

The real issue here has not been with sexuality in and of itself but that sexuality, at least for me, and likely in the wider culture, has lost its MEANING. What I mean to say is that there’s a difference between simply performing the sex act and the sex act actually having a meaning to it. So the real issue has been an internal separation from the meaning of sexuality within myself and not that sexuality is somehow inherently incorrect.

But there’s also the age-old sexuality issues and value judgments that I’ve likely held within myself and never truly stopped. Simply changing what one thinks isn’t the same as changing how one feels, and how does one change how one feels? The first step is to accept you feel that way.

So I first must accept that I do feel that sex is dirty, or that I’ve felt that sex is dirty.

I also have to accept that sex is natural and not the fault or consequence of something *I* have done; the sex drive is something that exists above and beyond the *I* I know in every day life. In other words, sexuality isn’t my fault; it’s just there, as so many other things are.

And sexuality motivates us a great deal in our life, for whatever reasons, mainly because of its extreme power. Now that I am more in touch with the meaning of sexuality, I can see why it has such a control- sexuality and meaning are somehow connected with one another in an intrinsic sort of way, as they are also both connected with love.

Today, my heart’s been more closed off than I would like. I did manage to cook for others, which always feels like the right thing to do. I hope my heart opens again soon and will get to the point of not closing off ever; the closed-off heart made it difficult to meditate last night, as the lack of love in my heart made it difficult to drown thoughts in love.

What a strange world we live in.

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