More on Meditation

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The past several times when I’ve had any kind of substantial meditation, I’ve noticed that what feels like a certain part of my brain begins to become active, deep in the head and towards the back. It’s further back than where I understand the pineal gland to be, but that could be something I incorrectly assess.

 

Now, several blogs ago, I established that there are three parts to the mind in my own experience: the Thinker, which is the part of us that sits down and consciously thinks about things and makes decisions; the Subconscious, which is a deeper layer from which thoughts and feelings arise; and the Ego, which is the “person” aware of these things.

 

The Thinker can be quieted rather easily; the Subconscious is the real issue, and the Ego has never gone.

 

But last night, I noticed something incredibly interesting as I meditated; the real work seems to be in the Subconscious and whether or not THAT part of the mind is meditating. I think that’s what this has all been about, getting the Subconscious part to meditate. If this part of the mind is meditating, it doesn’t matter if the Thinker is operating or not; anytime one stops, one will go back to the Meditating Subconscious (more or less.)

 

For me, it takes about 40 minutes of meditation, and sometimes an hour, to really get to this point. Ideally, I *should* be sitting in meditation for perhaps 2 or even 3 hours a day.

 

I said Mass again last night, and I consecrated a host to put in what’s now my Tabernacle. I do feel the sheer of terror of mentioning that I’m doing such things online, as I can see the attacks levied against me about having no Apostolic Succession and so on and so forth.

Yet I now understand that misses the entire point; the issue here is to practice and not get too caught up in the theory. Christ will come to those who seek Him.

Of course, I should also point out that I’m not acting as priest in leading a community, either; this is strictly a private celebration that I do alone, which changes the nature of it to me.

I described myself one to someone as a Christian mystic, and someone else explained that as meaning approximately a Christian shaman. It’s an interesting twist on the concept, I think, and somewhat appropriate for me.

 

But I refuse to get caught up in the label game at this point; it’s ridiculous and unnecessary. I, of all people I have known, find is baffling that I even fit into Christianity at all, yet here I am. So what a religion is really trying to convey is not necessarily the same thing as how it is popularly and consistently misunderstand.

 

Here endeth the rant.

Beaux

 

 

Short Update

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Several thoughts, none of which are necessarily connected.

Spiritually, there isn’t a great deal to update at this point. I’ve gone through the same spirals, sometimes having a deeper world, sometimes having a more shallow one, always having to question myself about why I feel a certain way in a given situation.

I should also note something else about emotions. As I understand it, psychology gives that the two components of an emotional experience are the physiological arousal and the cognitive component; one is the body moving, one is the mind.

At work the other day, as I was taking inventory, a customer came in, and of course, he came close to me, and I felt anxiety, but it was more of the cognitive component and not physical movement in my body. The thoughts were there, and they were very real and torturous; make no mistake, thoughts can create pain in us as easily as feelings.

When I cannot send love to someone of my own accord, the best thing, I think, is to allow Christ to love someone through me. That actually makes more sense; to allow Christ to love others, even if we as ego-personalities cannot.

When will the ego fall away? Will it fall away? Many mystics seem to think so and say as much. I’m terrified at the prospect both of losing my ego and of not losing my ego.

At the end of the day, the best thing is to repeat the name of Jesus again and again, no matter what situation comes about, and to pray for the absolute Nirvana of all beings in all places in all times. Absolute Nirvana for all consciousness everywhere in the cosmos is the goal.

The Bodhisattva vow seems like a cop-out to me; delaying Nirvana until all beings are in Nirvana? That’s not going to help them. The best thing is to attain Nirvana and help beings from Nirvana, in my opinion. One’s own liberation will create the gateway of the liberation for others.

Of course, others suggest that the Bodhisattva vow actually means that humanity and all sentient beings must attain Nirvana together, or it isn’t really Nirvana. I can understand this better; it is only after every spirit has been brought to the Absolute that we have completed anything.

People are keen on keeping their illusions. Shadow work is not a game. When confronted with the dark level of reality, many people become disturbed. The scriptures mention that Satan is the “god of this world” at one point. If we take Satan to be the Shadow in the Jungian sense, this is absolutely the case, as most people are controlled by their Shadows.

 

I find it interesting that some people seem to think that simply acknowledging they have a dark side is synonymous with integrating it; it isn’t the same thing, and just sending your dark side love in a detached sense is not going to transform it.

 

But I also find it interesting that people seem to be under the impression that anyone who works on their dark side, embraces it, integrates, and so on, is necessarily giving into it and becoming dominated by it. The opposite is true; the people who fail to integrate their Shadow, unless given a special and unique grace by God, are damned to serve it for the whole of their lives, albeit unconsciously. The sense of incompletion in life most likely stems from the lack of integrating one’s whole and true self.

Self-acceptance is part of the path. But self-acceptance doesn’t just mean accepting our good parts; it means accepting all of us, good and bad, warts and all. Most self-acceptance ideas seem to center around bolstering one’s self-esteem without bringing to light one’s flaws that might be a key to the sense of completion we seek.

Most of us are not enlightened, nor are we gurus, nor are we teachers and so forth. Therefore, our Shadow continues to exist, and the best thing to do is channel it, own it, work with it. Perhaps one day the Shadow will completely dissolve, and we will be free from its burden; until then, we cannot risk hurting ourselves or someone else with it, and so it must channeled for good in so far as is humanly possible. I hate putting the qualifier there, but that’s the reality of it.

Just some thoughts.

Beaux

 

 

Perceptual Changes and More

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Perceptual changes as of late that should be noted:

I seem to have a greater and automatic focus on experiencing the world through my senses. It’s difficult to explain what I mean by this, but there’s certainly a very “this world” focus on the one hand, though my mind often seems to go blank or be clear.

The “tiredness” has returned lately; I feel like a kind of blanket is held over the front of my brain, and thinking, as well as writing, becomes a kind of effort that has to be made. Lying in bed, very still, can create a great deal of bliss for me; last night, I lay in bed and had a heating pad on my head to help keep me warm, and I felt such incredible bliss there unlike what I normally feel.

Certain sexual energies seem to be lessening for me; this isn’t consistent, but sexual pleasure seems to have been stripped from me to some degree. It’s just as well, as through the Holy Spirit, I have experienced a fullness and completeness that sexuality has never granted me.

Another recent insight I’ve had lately is that what I truly want is Nirvana, not only for myself, but for all sentient beings, as the Buddhists would say; my most fervent prayer to God is for everyone, even my worst enemies, even Satan itself, to be brought to salvation in Nirvana; Nirvana not only for myself but for everyone and everything. This is the only true purpose that can exist in reality.

The completeness of the Holy Trinity has been revealed in the Holy Spirit, and yet I am left without a particular abstraction or mental construct by which to express the completeness. God is never-ending; God is always-continuing; God is eternal, but not eternal in a way which seems suffocating or crushing; God’s eternity is simply beyond words that explain what’s happening. There is no lacking in God, while in humans, we seem to have a very basic nature of “lack.”

I lay in bed last night and felt my prayer going to God, my glorification of God, while the true glorifying agent is the Holy Spirit, God the Mother, praising God through me. Suffice it to say that God the Mother offers God the Son to God the Father through us, in a Mystery of God that is profound and deep and that I cannot begin to explain; we may participate in this by surrendering ourselves willingly to God, but it seems rather like God’s actually got all the bases covered, and we’re not really necessary in the process too terribly much. It’s almost as though I observe something happening but don’t cause it to happen.

Anyway, there was a sense of completeness in glorifying God; not glorification in the sense of petition or because I wanted anything, but because it is the nature of man to want to honor and praise something greater than himself.

And of course, the glorification is a sense of fullness and joy, mixed often with longing; it isn’t the corny sort of modern Christian worship that’s hollow and devoid of the very things it seeks to express. This is different; this is more; this is REAL. There’s something substantial here.

Several times, I’ve also noticed that I don’t have the same kind of arousal of emotions as I used to; this isn’t consistent, but during this period, it’s rare for me to experience extreme emotions, either good or bad. Instead, there’s a kind of constant steadiness in the tiredness. I do have emotions that appear at times, though the cognitive component seems at times to be worse than any kind of physical passion associated with it.

Beaux

The Holy Rosary and Praying Seven Times Daily

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A brief notion for Christians and mystics who wish to pray several times a day or have a kind of desire to conform to the several times to pray but are unable to pray the Divine Office or Daily Office is to instead substitute the praying of the Holy Rosary instead.

One can either pray the Holy Rosary by dividing it into 5 or 7 times, with 7 being the preferable number. The 5 times is self-explanatory; one prayers the opening prayers, plus the first decade, followed by a different period for each subsequent decade and then the closing prayers.

The 7 times would include the opening prayers and cease with the Glory Be and Fatima prayer prior to announcing the First Mystery. The First Mystery of the day would then be announced when praying for the second time, and so on. The 7th time of prayer would be the Salve Regina prayer.

Praying the Holy Rosary all at once is also a good idea, but the breaking up of the prayer helps to keep a cycle going, which is, in my opinion, an important aspect of prayer.

 

Beaux

Holy Spirit, Spiritual Delay

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Certainly, I’m severely behind on posting a number of blogs that should have already been up. The main issue has been my being sick recently with various kinds of sinus congestion and colds, plus the strain on my eyes when sitting and staring at a computer screen for a lengthy period of time.

That being said, I should point out one important aspect of spirituality that, if everyone who reads this blog were to ignore and dismiss anything else I’ve written, should be considered and relished and tested out, that of what I personally term “spiritual delay.”

Spiritual delay is something that in our modern culture we must acclimate to, living in this world where we’re accustomed to instant or semi-instant gratification. Spiritual delay is the fact of reality that a prayer or meditation or wish is not most often immediately answered; in fact, it may take some time to receive any kind of substantial or adequate response.

The same is true even with visualization. For instance, one visualizes light on a headache to heal it; the headache doesn’t heal this minute or the next minute, but perhaps within the hour or two or three hours from now, it DOES go away; one prays for the same thing, and the prayer is not immediately answered, yet a few hours later, the prayer IS answered. One repeats the Name of God and sees no immediate benefit of repeating His Name, yet the next day, the bliss of His grace comes to us.

This is something to ALWAYS remember, that the help, that the grace, that the benefit WILL come at some point in time, especially with substantial practice.

Another major realization lately has been of the Holy Spirit and the Wiccan Goddess. The Holy Spirit has been recognized as God the Mother for quite some time among Christian mystics, most notably the Gnostics, and it simply makes sense: God the Father, God the Mother, God the Son. The Trinitarian formula then, is somehow complete with the Divine Feminine being present within it.

I mean to make the association with the Goddess as I always understood her to be associated with the Day, with the Sun, with Light, and so forth, and I see the same to be true of the Holy Spirit; the Holy Spirit is the person of the Holy Trinity that calls us to prayer, that teaches us to pray, the invokes and kindles the Longing and Love for God; verily, we might even say that the Holy Spirit IS THE LONGING FOR GOD. This would account, at least intellectually, for the Sufis saying that one’s Longing for God IS God’s Presence, IS God’s declaration that He is there.

Whatever the case may be, I have personally found that prayer to the Holy Spirit has been the most immediate and intimate relationship to God that I’ve found. This could potentially be because of my background in Pentecostal churches, though I highly doubt that plays as significant of a role as one might guess.

But back to the point, Wicca had a huge emphasis on ritual, and of course, I now see that magic, that ritual, that all these things, the transformation of Will into Reality and so forth, are the domain of the Holy Spirit; it is with a greater certainty that I know the miracles take place because of the Holy Spirit, and that the bread and wine truly become Christ’s Body and Blood BECAUSE of the Holy Spirit; She is, in fact, a key in the Holy Eucharist, and it saddens me to know that despite Her importance, She is often pushed to the side in Christianity and not given proper reverence or emphasis.

Even to me, the importance of the Holy Spirit has been occluded for the past four years as well, and I did wonder many times how She fit into the Holy Trinity and why She was deemed important, how She became more than simply a reference to God’s presence on Earth as the Jehovah’s Witnesses insist. Even Bernadette Roberts, in all her great elucidation of the Christian mystery in her books, seems to focus namely on the Mystery of Christ- indeed, she is not wrong in this, as the Mystery of Christ is inexhaustible- but her reference to the Holy Spirit is the love exchanged between the Father and Son, and no more is really said.

But does not leave us with the full or clear picture of exactly how important She truly is, and that is exactly the mystery into which I’m being drawn.

At the same time, it truly amazes me that in our present world Christianity and its profundity is so often and so easily cheapened. I can’t quite grasp how something that IS so profound can devolve into something that is so treacherous and easy to revile, but such is the nature of corrupted men.

The peace of the Lord be with you.

Beaux