Friday proved difficult for me; I was in an irritated mode all day, not really with a specific reason, and then I ended up having one thing after the next attack me in the bad mood.

I ended posting a response to a particularly upsetting video I saw online that only furthered my realization of just how in control the archons are of this world. The comments I received were normal initially, and then one particular person attacked my wall with a so-called Wall of Text.

We ended up getting into it, and he immediately attacked me with an argumentum ad hominem, saying blatantly mean things to me- a guy who was on my Facebook almost accidentally, who had not had more than two conversations with me and who had seemed like a kind person, suddenly turning into THE biggest asshole.

He ended up blocking me, and I ended up crying- a childish thing on the one hand, but I had enough stress inside of me, and finally I reached the breaking point.

I felt stupid for crying on the one hand, but on the other hand, my body needed it.

The realizations then began coming. I was able to watch myself in the entire situation, able to see what happened inside of me emotionally, and I have come to the point where a virtual breakthrough is possible.

Charting the emotional pattern is not going to as easy as I had imagined, but at any rate, not only did the breakthrough come up, the Shadow came up as well, and the Shadow is in full force.

I have never, in the entirety of my life, began hating someone I did not know so quickly; I have never wished death on someone the way I have on this guy. I have never been so vengeful, but this poor guy, he’s getting all my evil, all my anger, all the pent-up rage at rednecks and stupid people who have continuously ruined not only my life but the world around us.

So, I’m dealing with the rage, the hate, which is welling up from the root chakra- this is not just a heart chakra anger, this is a complete life force vigor type deal.

Which is why it’s dangerous.

But on the other hand, I can also see there is a place for this in my life, that it points still to a deeper pain that’s happened, that my overreaction ultimately comes down to my being on the edge of the breakthrough. All the nastiness is coming up, and god, it’s been coming up for years.

In the end, wishing death on someone cannot be justified, unless the person has killed someone close to you.

But wishing the karma back on them, wishing the suffering that caused you in their vileness back on them, wishing for the gods to bitchslap them is well within my right, and I think it’s about time that I learned this lesson. I’ve been trying to learn it for years and years and years, situations, such as this one, keep occurring, and each time, I hold back in the name of Christ and trying to be Christ-like.

Well, no offense to Christ- I’m going to do what I have to do.

It terrifies me to realize that we all have this dark side, and that we all could devolve into it at any given point. Why I was surprised that this guy had a dark side, I’m not sure; it’s not that I was surprised that he had one, I suppose, so much as it was surprising that he would attack me so quickly.

Back to the whole thing of being misunderstood, but hey, he can go fuck himself.

This is the part where I keep complaining about how Jesus doesn’t tell us how to stop hating someone. I’ve prayed for the necessary graces and charism to stop hating him, to stop wanting to take revenge, and yet my pride gets in the way, and part of me understands somewhere that for him to get back exactly the amount of pain he caused to me is justifiable.

I’ve been unable, but more so unwilling, to meditate. I mean, I can’t bring myself seriously to meditate at this point when I feel so angry and hateful; those feelings just well up and take over, and I began thinking through everything again and getting angrier.

Pray for me, brothers and sisters, that I may know the Will of God.

Beaux

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