The Unspeakable Good

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Last night, during meditation, I experienced God as “an Unspeakable Good.”

This isn’t easy to explain, though I will say I figured out that I should offer the never-ending songs in my head to God as though I were singing the music to God.

 

Anyway, the Unspeakable Good seemed more or less to deal with a general purgation that’s been happening in my second chakra (the sacral chakra in the lower back.) I suddenly had this sense of a very vital, powerful, real energy- the very joy-stuff of life itself, an Eden sort of feeling, and I recalled in some strange way what exactly the Garden of Eden means, the pure world and reality that we humans have left behind.

 

However, I could not maintain awareness of the Unspeakable Good, and thus, it was gone on its own accord. God is merciless at times.

 

Beaux

On a Dream I Had

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On a dream I had last night.

 

Last night, I actually passed out earlier than usual for reasons unknown. Tonight, I feel a similar sleepiness.

 

This began as I turned on a program of GnosCast to listen to some of Father Troy’s commentary. I had previously listened to some of his podcasts but, as with many things, became distracted and subsequently never finished them.

 

However, for anyone who’s ever heard Father Troy Pierce’s voice, you’ll know what the peace that passeth understanding is- his voice is deep-ish and soothing, a particular kind of calm, and…then I was out like a light.

 

Anyway, I woke up periodically throughout the night, and I could hear Troy in my dreams- I distinctly remember the part about gnosis and epistemis and so on last night in one of my dreams.

 

This is how it went:

 

Friends of mine and I were in a large mansion or a cave of some sorts; we were in the basement area, which was at once a cave and also had some kind of technology or machinery built into it. I had the impression that this was a location for planning or studying.

 

Later on in the dream, I was on a floating island in the sky. I was a bird or had wings or something of the sort, and I remember there were two other people on this island, in a small but very elaborately decorated house- a strange, tall, pale woman who was cruel and ruthless and a servant who I cannot remember.

 

The woman ritually would sacrifice birds to use their blood to give herself life. I created a plan where the room she normally lived in was destroyed, causing her to have to move to another room with a door. Since she was in this other room, I was able to escape- and I remember that I had the ability to fly in the dream, and I wasn’t afraid to fly, either.

 

That’s the last clear part of the dream I can remember.

 

Anyway, I’m not certain what it all means, as there are other parts of the dream that are just pieces and I can’t really remember; I think at one point, I was at a Halloween party or something, because I remember flying on a broomstick and people being dressed up in costumes, along with banners being hung up.

 

I would imagine the birds and wings represent freedom and the pale woman representing some kind of Dark Mother aspect, but I’m not totally sure.

 

Beaux

Various Rantings

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A good practice for the Christian is to try to see each person as the Imago Dei, the image of God. Most especially, if we can, in the heat of the moment, remember that the person with whom we’re angry is actually at the center of their being God (or at least the Image of God), we can more quickly reconcile our feelings of anger toward them.

 

Naturally, the issue in my life has been that God only reveals Himself to me selectively, through the people with whom I’ve been in love; this creates an atrocious situation where I long for and pine over someone who either rejects me or who I can’t actually be with for various reasons.

 

I have had more difficulty seeing God in other people, as often I see myself as a world apart from those people. One thing that those with any level of expanded consciousness must absolutely keep in mind is that not everyone is as aware as you. This is extremely difficult; I have a particular personality flaw where I seem to look down on other people who have not quite understood or learned the things that I have understood and learned. I must be patient with the people who are younger than I am, with the people who are just now going through the phase of breaking with the false images of religion and entering into a kind of searching agnosticism or even those who are outright rebelling by taking on alternative religions.

 

While there are many common elements throughout religion, the reality is that a number of people go with Wicca and Paganism for the sake of rebelling. The elements that are attractive in Wicca and Paganism are largely reducible to three: the reverence for the Divine Feminine, the sense of the Divinity of Nature, and the aspect whereby one PRACTICES the religion, taking ACTION.

 

These elements, all three, are to be sure an integral part of Christianity: the Holy Spirit IS the Divine Feminine, but at the same time, God is BEYOND all things in the Transcendent aspect. Nature is Divine in the sense that it is actually made of Christ, but this is a rather esoteric and deep reality that I can’t go into at the moment. And as for ritual- Anglo-Catholics dance circles around Pagans with their rituals (no puns intended.)

The issue of dogmatism and free-thinking may also come up, but in reality, they are secondary to the main reasons people turn to Wicca, and it’s no wonder, as Christians do an awesomely terrible job at their own religion.

I have a feeling I should start doing Youtube videos soon. I really, really want to, because I know that it’s been helpful for me to hear and watch the journeys of mystics, and I think I, too, could be of help to other people.

 

Good day to you all.

Beaux

I never know what to title these entries anymore.

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I have now received Christ in the Holy Eucharist six times at the same parish. This, perhaps, may not be anything remarkable to anyone else; however, to me, it is something that I’ve wanted to do for years and am now actually doing.

 

Whether joining the Episcopal Church is a matter of trying to create an identity and whether or not the identity I am gaining in Christ is real is all up for debate, I suppose; one thing can be said, I do feel more complete than I have in quite some time, and that, in and of itself, seems to be a step in the right direction.

 

Another interesting thing is to hear an interview with Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee talking about how the mystical truths in early Christianity largely were suppressed, thus being taken over by the Muslim world- hence, Sufism.

 

At the same time, reading Paths to the Heart, a book exploring the relationship between Eastern Orthodox Christianity’s mysticism and Sufism heavily supports Llewellyn’s position on this matter. So, then, it is no wonder that I was tossed between the opposites of Catholic ritual and Sufi mysticism; they belong together and are not at war. The sense of Longing for God, of Loving God, of finding God both transcendent and immanent, is all together united.

 

At any rate, Christ has given me a new confidence in Him that I need, and it’s so strange to look back through my life to see those moments of Black Fire blazing, only to realize that Christ IS the Black Fire; my awareness of the Black Fire, then, was my becoming more mature in Christ by accepting who I am in Him and not who I am in the blasphemous idol that was created by the local churches of Christ.

 

To accept myself is to accept Christ’s work in me; it is to accept that God has a special place for me and a special plan for me in this world, and that I must live out what God has intended for me or suffer in a way that only exists for those who are inauthentic to themselves.

 

I will never stop being a mystic; in fact, mysticism is the heart of Christianity, is Christianity, and the real issue is that this basic reality has been forgotten.

 

The things I would not do for myself, I can do for Christ; I may never completely fall in love with the Lord as my Lover, except by His own grace, but we’re certainly like good friends now.

 

I realized something the other day, too; trying to categorize each religion by chakra is a silly thing to do, especially when we get to Christianity; Christianity uses ALL the chakras, though it’s true that the focus on the chakra system is almost non-existent. Most especially the heart and stomach chakras are used, as well as the throat chakra (what with the emphasis on singing, chanting, and praying.)

This sense of completion I have is, of course, a smaller completion compared to the larger completion that must take place in life. Perhaps the reality is that we are always the smaller mystery and Christ the larger mystery, and we can never fully enter into Him as we should.

 

But what I really mean to say is that, no matter how complete I am at this moment, there is still something greater to be completed, something greater to be done.

 

Yet the gratitude that’s pouring forth from me now is amazing; it’s happening mostly from an unconscious level, so I’m barely aware that anything’s going on, but it is, it IS going on!

 

Whether or not I should write about this in particular, I’m not sure, but recently, I acquired St. Augustine’s Prayerbook. In the prayerbook is a Novena to the Holy Spirit- and I plan to undertake the Novena just prior to Confirmation. This seems like an appropriate devotion to do before receiving the Holy Spirit.

 

Methinks what’s happening now is that the actual grace of the Holy Eucharist is reactivating the sanctifying grace of Holy Baptism that I received when I was younger- and perhaps my own religious devotions come largely because I DID receive Baptism and was sensitive enough to it, devoted enough to God, that God worked through all the heresy and blasphemy of the church and school I attended.

I pray that God would deliver us all into unity with Him.

 

Amen, and Amen.

 

Beaux

 

Questioning One’s Motives

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The real question we must ask and the answer we must constantly affirm is, “What are we trying to accomplish? What are we doing?”

 

Mysticism is a process in which we can often get caught up. As with many things in life, we can often forget that there is indeed a goal we had in mind, a reason that we began doing something.

 

My own “adventures in Christendom” pertain largely to this whole issue. Many times I forget that it was the Gnostic revelations that actually brought me back to any semblance of Christian orthodoxy; I sometime get so caught up in trying to receive the Sacraments that I also began getting swept up in other ideas about Christianity that may not prove to be accurate in the real world.

 

The world views that we create for ourselves can be dangerous, as typically any given world view that we have is actually the manifesting of a personal archetype. What I mean to say is that we “shift” into a particular identity, albeit subconsciously, and then we begin living from that identity. The trick, then, is not to destroy that identity, but to embrace it fully, and then offer it to God.

 

There is a truth in that we can never escape ourselves, and that we do have to constantly embrace ourselves and push ourselves towards a wholeness, because then God can take us out in one fell swoop.

 

Well, I guess the process is actually more complicated than that, but that isn’t the point.

 

So, to affirm again what I’m after: I’m after the state the Buddhists call “Nirvana.” In Christianity, this would be roughly parallel to “theosis,” though some would argue that Nirvana is a state beyond theosis.

 

The trickiest idea that we have to deal with is whether or not the perfection of the human can come in this life or if it must await for the hereafter. Almost all Christians would state that the perfection of the soul is in the hereafter, and not in this life; I’m skeptical and will push forward until I myself know what’s going on.

 

The whole essence of Gnosticism, in reality, is finding out for one’s self. It’s really strange that it became a matter of heresy and orthodoxy and dogma and doctrine, that even today so-called “good Catholics” shit bricks when they encounter someone claiming to be Gnostic. Why people take such an issue with private revelation or a direct knowledge of God, I’ll never know; or hell, maybe I will.

 

Anyway, so as much as I love the Roman Catholic Church, I also have to say that I’m not quite cut out to conform there, and as much as I love the Episcopal Church, I will never, ever call myself “Protestant,” and only “Protestant,” so Anglo-Catholicism in the Episcopal Church it is, and I will simply have to mock the Prots and correct the Romans.

 

Okay, so I won’t really do all that. But seriously: they all need to get their poop in a group, stop the corruption, clarify the mystical reality of the theology, get over the gay and women-priests thing, and take a tip from the Eastern Orthodox folks.

 

I will affirm once again, now that I’ve gotten way off topic, that I don’t see ideas such as Heaven and Hell as being specific locations we enter when we die. Instead, I see them as states of being within the presence of the Ultimate Reality that we call God.

 

However, contrary to the views that many people in the New Age arena have, I don’t think that everything is just freely available within us. I do think that some sources of energy exist outside of us, including God- to some extent, yes, we do have God within us, but on the other hand, there’s something to be said about the grace we receive in the Sacraments.

 

Okay, I lost interest in writing this entry as my mind is distracted.

Beaux

 

 

 

Mystical Experience Updates

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First off, today marked my fourth Mass at St. Michael’s Episcopal Church in Ozark, Alabama. That tops the three Masses I went to at St. Mark’s in Troy, Alabama. The main thing that has changed: I am going to Mass for Christ and not for myself. That’s an incredible shift in my own consciousness.

Another good point is that since I am single at this point in my life, I attend Mass with a full dedication to Christ and can put my full focus on Him. I felt a bit uncomfortable before when I went with my then-boyfriend, as I felt I was ignoring him or not giving him the due attention. However, there was also the reality that we weren’t totally able to be open about our relationship and so on at the church on the one hand, so perhaps that played into it.

The mystical experiences to note:

One night, I had the experience of everyone being part of the Body of Christ. The mystical Body of Christ is a reality, not a metaphor. Unfortunately, Christianity often enough gets everything backwards: what is literal is taken as symbolic and what is symbolic is taken as literal. This is highly bothersome.

At any rate, the experience accorded to me that everyone is a part of THE BODY of Christ, that we are substantially, in a flesh-and-blood sort of way, made out of His very Body. Receiving the Eucharist reveals this Truth in our own bodies- the Truth of our Oneness with God and each other. This is a very real and vital sort of thing, not just a strange, flowing, undefined energetic sort of way; it’s like being a great, organic body, connected in a direct and real manner.

The next experience: as I drove to Mass today, I had the experience of Christ being on the cross, high in the sky, and all reality being united to Him. Then, I had the experience of seeing myself melt away, along with all people melt away, to reveal that underneath, we are all actually Christ. So to treat another human being in a certain way is verily to treat Christ in that way.

This comes around to a picture that my friend Richard posted recently of a man shooting heroin into his vein, showing that in doing so, he, too, is shooting heroin into the body of Jesus. The point, then, is that not only is it a matter of what we do to another person, BUT HOW WE TREAT OURSELVES, a point that is not emphasized enough in Christianity.

In the Second Great Commandment of Christ, we are told to love our neighbor as ourselves; the implication, then, is that we must FIRST love ourselves, for if we hate ourselves, we will hate our neighbor as well.

The final revelation that occurred today happened as I took a walk and, with my mala-turned-chotki, I prayed the Name of Jesus or the so-called Jesus Prayer. After a time, I began to see the shimmering in everything; there’s a strange shimmering that’s appeared more and more these days, perhaps a function of meditating more on the Third Eye. Either way, I see a light, a shimmering, in things that I have only begun seeing since a little before starting to go to Mass and probably after I started doing the meditation on the Secret of the Golden Flower.

All I can say is, “Praise be to God.”

I hope my words can be of use to others, that they either take encouragement from them or find parallels in their own mysticism.

Beaux

A Sign

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I left my coat at the church, in the pew.

One can take this to mean a few things.

First, one can take this to mean that I simply left my coat out of forgetfulness.

Second, I left something unnecessary- it wasn’t cold, I actually didn’t need it, and so you can think of my having left behind unnecessary things with God.

Third, you can think of it as my having left something with God perpetually- a part of me given to Him that will remain always with Him.

Perhaps so, and perhaps not.

Reveal Thy Light, O Christ.

Beaux

Lenten Mass at St. Michael’s Episcopal Church, Week 2

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So, the quest I’ve followed in Christianity’s mystical strains continues in the outward form now. A strange synchronicity happened tonight; I asked the priest at St. Michael’s about Confirmation classes, and his response was that we needed to get started on that tonight because the Bishop was coming next month.

 

There was no struggle, there was no down-talking, nothing; no battle, no worry. Everything just fell into place. I asked, and I received. The priest sent me home with a copy of the Book of Common Prayer and told me which part of it to study (the catechism’s located in the back.) He put the burden on me to read through the catechism, ask questions, start discussions, all such things, basically a kind of one-on-one process.

 

I double-checked to make sure such a short amount of time dealing with the catechism would be okay before Confirmation, and he said that he could tell that I was serious- he had seen Facebook page avowing my Gnosticism, and I said, “Ack, the heretic is caught!”

However, my Facebook will be updated to “Anglo-Catholic Episcopalian mystic” after my Confirmation. So be it; I may be Gnostic in the outward and official sense one day, but as much as I call myself “Gnostic,” I mean that I am a mystic, through and through.

 

I should also note that receiving communion has a substantial effect on me. Sunday’s Mass seemed to strike me as not being as effective, but in the middle of the night, the love appeared inside of me, that love that is both familiar and exotic all at once, the love of Christ.

 

The same, then, will happen tonight when I begin meditating, I’m sure, and so much the better. The power of the Eucharist cannot be underestimated; there is something real and substantial taking place here inside of me that cannot take place without my receiving from the Church.

 

Many people have argued that it’s perfectly possible to do things on one’s own, which is something I really wanted to believe for so long. However, Christ’s love given to me in the Holy Eucharist is absolutely magnificent, a tremendous Mystery and substance that is changing me, uniting me with Him, and for this, I’m glad. I’ve been unable to find or create this love on my own; it is something bigger than myself, it is a grace that is freely given whether or not we have earned it, but it must be accepted, and I do affirm that the Sacraments have a power we can’t begin to understand.

 

Here endeth the rant for the evening.

 

Beaux

 

 

 

 

Mass at St. Michael’s Episcopal Church in Ozark, Alabama

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For the first time in over a year, I attended Mass again, this time at St. Michael’s Episcopal Church in Ozark, Alabama.

 

The church is small, quite small, and I went alone; this was a big deal for me, as I had to drive half an hour to get there, and I’m unaccustomed to going places alone.

 

Call me crazy, call me ballsy, call me whatever, but I was bloody-minded enough (read: insanely determined) that I was going to go to this freely available Mass tonight, because I was actually awake and had the chance and all that jazz.

 

I didn’t go for myself, ultimately, either; I went for Christ. I kept reminding myself that I was doing this for Christ and not for me, which helped me more to understand what the Sufis mean about surrendering to the Will of God.

 

The priest, Father Tom, was especially welcoming; especially since I ended up arriving a half-hour early for the service. He asked me normal questions, and then people began showing up; they introduced themselves, and I enjoyed the small congregation of only 12 people tonight.

 

The Mass was actually just the communion part; there was no sermon or singing, praise be to God. I do like hymns, and they do have an organ (a small, electrical one), but getting to the good stuff of the Lord Christ is what makes me a happy panda.

 

I’ve never been to such a welcoming church before. I’ve also never been to a church that kept so many Catholic elements for being such a heavily via media church. (They, in fact, had the prayer candles- the votive candles lit when one says a prayer- and we all said, “Amen” after receiving communion, and everyone crossed themselves. This didn’t happen at St. Mark’s in Troy, where they even had a quite visible Tabernacle!)

 

Of course, I shouldn’t read into that sort of thing, either; the important thing is that I went, and I saw Christ proclaimed magnificently in the Episcopal Church once again with a lovely group of people who are indeed the Body of Christ.

 

Receiving the Eucharist did something for me this time, among these beautiful, loving people, and I know that Christ somehow transformed me within, and that I should go receive communion as often as possible. God has done something amazing, something that I don’t fully understand but can palpably feel inside of me.

 

Maybe I am simply more open to God now. Maybe I have matured somewhere inside of myself. Who knows the why and the how? I am concerned only with the fact that receiving communion has changed me in a way I wasn’t expecting, in that same, real manner that’s true- something that is real just IS.

 

After Mass, we had a soup and salad dinner; naturally, I asked if there was any meat in the soup, and someone checked for me. Turns out it was she-crab soup, and it was absolutely amazing; the salad wasn’t half bad, either, and I had a glass of wonderful sweet tea.

 

Then Father Tom gave a semi-humorous presentation on the Top Ten Failed Evangelism Ideas. People commented and tried to figure out how to best help evangelize in the community; the ultimate idea came back around to Facebook and Youtube.

So, in a way, I suppose I’m doing my part.

 

The Episcopal Church is, in many ways, a mess, yet there is undeniably a statement of truth- they accept everyone, especially this parish. They accept absolutely everyone, regardless of race, creed, or sexual orientation. (I should note that a gay couple made up part of tonight’s congregation!)

 

A few of my other devoted friends have ended up in the Episcopal Church. True, the mystic in me will never relent from my heresies, but perhaps that’s exactly what will ultimately grant the Episcopal Church its greatest strength- the outcasts who hold a piece of Christ’s Mystery that was never written down and given the Seal of Approval.

St. Michael’s is an openly and avowed gay-friendly church; this is true for the priest and the congregation, as I experienced first-hand tonight. You will feel welcome, no matter who you are!

Praise be to God, and let us proclaim the ultimate Mystery of Christ’s love.

You can visit their Facebook page here.

 

Beaux

 

 

 

 

Ranting about American Culture

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One of the errors of modern American culture is the presumption that if we pay for something, we can do whatever we want with it. This happens to be the line of thought presented by the ignorant redneck (I want to make that “ignorant redneck fuck”) that ended up making me hate him within a short span of time.

 

But no, here’s the reality check: just because you pay for something, just because you own something, does not mean you get to treat it however you want it.

 

Read that again carefully.

 

We don’t get to do whatever we want to whatever we buy; we have the freedom and right to purchase what we want, no matter how terrible or ridiculous it may be, but to waste it, to abuse it, to misuse it, is not something that comes with the territory.

 

Tonight, I went out to eat with friends, and they ordered pizza. Two sets of friends left pizza- parts of a large pizza for which they had paid money they earned working- just sitting there, instead of doing the scrupulous thing and taking the leftovers with them.

 

I’m not suggesting I’ve never wasted food; I have wasted food in my lifetime, but most often, if I do waste food, I’ve done it for good reason, as in, the food has gone bad or something along those lines. I don’t just leave food sitting on my plate or throw away food that I’ve dipped out.

 

But it isn’t just about food; it’s about so many things, it’s about the deeper issue in our culture, and invariably, the deeper issue is the real issue.

Just because you produce kids does not mean you get to treat the kids however you please.

 

Just because you earn money does not mean you get to waste it however you please.

 

Just because something belongs to you doesn’t mean you get to treat it however you please.

 

And I’m sure that will piss people, most notably, Americans, off in a way that you can’t even imagine. “I earned it! I can do whatever I want with it!”

Grow up. No, you can’t. That’s not how life works. And it’s unfortunate that you should be so silly as to think that it does.

 

In the end, we must consider that ultimately, this is God’s world, and that ultimately, no one can own anything, nothing belongs to anyone but God. So that food you waste, those products you waste, that money you waste- that belongs to the Absolute Reality, and what you’re doing may as well be considered an affront.

 

Just a little common sense thrown out in these trying times.

 

Beaux