A Long Week and Some Insights

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So, the longest week of my life, or at least, the longest week of my life in so far as I can remember, has just ceased. I think I can safely say that the week is over, though I can see that there’s still a darkness on the horizon.


My father had a mild heart attack Easter Sunday. He went into the hospital and was out by Tuesday, partially because of the procedure that went so well, and partially because he’s a tough guy.


Easter Sunday was the longest day I can remember in a while. I cried off and on for most of the day, for various reasons, all to do with my father. I hated walking through the house and not seeing him there, not seeing him in his recliner, not hearing him outside doing something.


My best guess is that my panic, my anxiety, comes somewhere from a fear of being separated from my parents. I cannot, however, be certain of this.


As I’ve mentioned before, I seem to develop in the external sense more slowly than other people do- so I can’t expect to be the same kind of person that a so-called “normal” 26 year old would be at this point.


My jealousy for other people’s success in the external world continues, unfortunately. I seem to have jealousy of someone, then I seem to deal with it, and then it returns. Well, this newest time, I was able to focus on Christ, and to meditate and try to keep my mind on Him. This helped but did not totally deal with the issue.


Now, I shall share a dream that I may well have shared on here before, a dream I had years ago. So long ago, in fact, did I have this dream, that I cannot remember how old I was. My guess is that I was at least 11 years old.


In the dream, I was a squire, a knight’s helper, and I remember that my house was a castle. The castle, then, had a external part where I saw a star, spinning around. The star in question looked like the stars from Super Mario 64, and I’m pretty sure I saw the image in Nintendo Power.


Anyway, the star was spinning around (like in the video game), and I remember I went to the King and told him I would find the way to the garden to retrieve the star for him.


I went with a knight and a horse, and the journey wasn’t long- just around to my backyard, where we had an electric fence. The star was there, albeit by this time it had transformed into some small, oddly shaped star with rainbow colors and just lay on the ground.


My first intention was to try to crawl under the electric fence, but I realized this wouldn’t work, so I just stepped over it, and did so quite easily.

I picked up the star, and I remember I bit it for some reason to check it. I then returned, valiantly, as a knight, back to the castle with the king, and here ended the dream.


I remember as I returned back to the king the swelling sense of happiness and pride in my heart, the deep and sheer LONGING that humans have in being who they truly are.


So, this dream led me many years afterward to seek to manifest the “knight” archetype. I seem to have failed at every attempt of taking this archetype in myself and showing it to other people. I tried and tried and could not never actually access it.


Yesterday, after Mass, I had the strangest epiphany that this world belongs to me- that is, it belongs to me, as much as it belongs to anyone else. This world was given to humanity for dominion in the sense of our having charge over a garden for which we care. The world, very simply, became my oyster, a concept I had never thought of before. The lyrics “Everybody wants to rule the world” actually rung true to me for once. I was shocked by the notion that I had any desire inside of me to rule the world, to dominate anything at all.


To me, life has always been something of the opposite- I’ve always felt that I have been at the mercy of terrifying forces and fearsome systems that would drain all the happiness and life energy from me for their own sake. This is very much so akin to the fundamentalist/evangelical Christian world view with which I was raised, and it also seems to be akin to the Gnostic world view.


I had never been given the power, have never been given the power, to rise up to challenge these things.


Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee simply says that a change in consciousness is the most powerful thing that can happen for the human, and that it’s more powerful than anything external to us. This has been a point of my own sense of security- if my consciousness can be changed, then I may indeed be saved from the threats of the world.


But perhaps the threats aren’t real in the first place, at least not in my case.


Then last night, as I meditated, it struck me: I had identified for over a decade with the knight in the dream, never realizing that the character I had been trying to please was the king. The pride and longing as a knight ultimately referred back to the fact that I had pleased the king and accomplished what I said; I had never actually identified with being the KING HIMSELF.


My actual name means or refers to “King,” in fact, with my middle name also relating to royalty. This is a fascinating situation, to discover somewhere, internally, I really do view myself as royalty. It is a birthright that I must claim, I suppose.


Recently, my meditation has been deepening; after I learned that I could direct the songs in my head to Christ/the Black Fire, a good number of issues were solved. There’s not a lot that happens at this point; I just kind of sit with a blank mind, and when thoughts do arise, I push them back into the void.


It’s quite interesting to see that almost three years of daily meditation have actually created some deepened capacity to concentrate.

I was also surprised to start reading The Dark Night of the Soul (and actually make it a bit of the way into it, beyond the preliminaries) and see St. John of the Cross talk about this very state of contemplation. He also warns to not try to actively pursue anything at this point, instead to just allow the silence to be there instead of attempting to fill it, as God is infusing the person with qualities in a way that we cannot imagine.

I’m not quite sure if this particular state of contemplation is synonymous with the Eastern dhyana or not. I do not completely forget myself; I do not seem to be completely forgetful of my existence, as it were, nor do my senses shut down. Some of the time, thoughts still come and go, though I’ve noticed I can meditate for half an hour and it seems like almost no time has gone by, maybe five or ten minutes at the most.


That being said, this state also doesn’t quite seem like sleep, so maybe I’m only on the outskirts of something and not actually in it. Time will tell.

Now, after all this is said and done, it’s time for me to really start living.



Open Communion, Rant 1

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So, now here’s talk in the Episcopal Church about opening up the receiving of the Holy Eucharist to anyone, whether they’ve received Holy Baptism or not. Once

So, now here’s talk in the Episcopal Church about opening up the receiving of the Holy Eucharist to anyone, whether they’ve received Holy Baptism or not.


Once again, people are up in arms, and anytime the Church does something to widen her arms, people begin screaming about how she’s been taken over by secular leftists and so on. It’s a pathetic and un-Christian attitude, let’s face it.


I have some of the snidest, unloving attitudes thrown at the Episcopal Church, both by her members and by members of other denominations. Somehow, people seem to have forgotten that one’s faith must also spring from love in order for it to be salvific.


But I won’t go down that road just now.


Now, this blog is obviously not an Easter blog going on about the significance of the Resurrection and all that jazz; a Red State Mystic and any number of other bloggers instead can take that role, as they’re typically more informed on the traditions than I am. You can go see for yourself, in fact, as I’m sure any number of good Episcopalians are furiously typing away at their MacBooks the virtues of this High Holy Day.


Now, of course, I should also point out that the folks who were getting their panties in a wad about Open Communion were Online Christians. Online Christians really do number in such a way that 90% of them are fanatical idiots and 10% of them are actually decent. There’s 1% of the decent people that are actually ultra-awesome, including my friends Andy, Justin, Richard, Carlo, and probably some more I can’t think of right now. (I’m focusing on the more orthodox-minded people.)


Anyway, the real manner of discussing Open Communion should deal with supplying the theological reasons for and against instead of claiming the that the Church has just been hijacked by secular leftists.


And if we’re going to play the game of cultural leanings and the Church, I would say that if you look at the past 2000 years of Holy Mother Church’s history, it’s been largely Her being bent over backwards, tied to a sawhorse, and gang-raped in every possible orifice by a bunch of secular “rightists” while then having an abortion forcibly performed on Her anytime She’s about to produce something good out of their stodgy old evil.

You can take that to the bank and cash it.

My take on it is that Christianity’s initiatory process used to be an intimate, private thing done upon pain of death from the then-government. The catechism was underground and dangerous; it had the vestiges of Mystery Religions, and had to be treated as such.


Now, theology is at our fingertips. Anyone can go online, do research, watch Youtube videos, and see that it’s possible for any person to develop their own complex theology; theological matters are not strictly in the hands of the Church.


That doesn’t mean that people do a good job of it, but oh, well. It’s not like the Church always does, either.


Anyway, part of my own perspective is that, Christ offered Himself for everyone. God loves everyone. God loves us all. Don’t you think there would be more Roman Catholics and Easter Orthodox if they had an Open Communion? I mean when you put the burden on people by saying, “If you don’t agree with us, we’re not giving you salvation,” it kind of makes you out to look like, I don’t know, an asshole.


On the other hand, I can understand that having a proficient understanding of the Faith should be necessary to receive Communion- no one seems to understand just how incredibly Holy and Powerful it ACTUALLY is.


But that brings me back to how I feel about most people as it is; most people in any religion are ridiculously ignorant of their own tradition. Any given religion almost universally has a horrible Public Relations department where the story of the religion is not quite what happened in a historical way. Sometimes, this is far more than a “not quite,” but we won’t go there.


I’ve watched enough priests in Youtube videos and on TV to know that a good number of them have no clue what they’re doing or no idea of the depth of the Mystery of the Holy Eucharist. I’m not saying they’re deliberately shamming people, though I’m sure many of them are; I’m saying they just don’t get it, and I’m thankful that the Sacraments work ex opere operato.

Okay, I’ve rambled enough here. Christos Anesti!



The Latest Mystical Experience

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As I’ve mentioned in the past, the repetition of the Name of God has been, for lack of better words, sometimes a complete and utter waste of time- seemingly.


I also should point out that when I finally said that I would stop saying it, my life went to hell.


Anyway, today, I noticed that I could focus with a certain part of my mind and actually have a deeper sense of myself. This focus eventually led to my heart chakra and began slowly unblocking it, at least temporarily.


This almost seemed like I had to use a certain part of my brain to do this, and that I was accessing my heart through my brain- a strange and wonderful feat.


Now, as this continued, I also had the radio on, and listening to music, I enjoyed myself and the music, and I had a sense that I was the music- that there was no person in me to be separate from it. I also had the sense that the Earth itself was a god, a living, breathing, gigantic entity. This was quite in contrast to the sense that it’s all made of dead matter with some kind of life growing out of it.


I also had a sense that this kind of stillness inside of me was something like what death was; everything seems to right, so perfect in itself, and I knew that everything would be okay even when I passed from this world.


Perhaps this a foretaste of the mystical states that are to come.


I certainly have a deeper sense of understanding of music, rhythms, all such things in this state. A large part of it seems to come from not releasing myself sexually for several days and working to transmute the energy. I’m still doing the Secret of the Golden Flower meditation, though I don’t seem to have a body of light, haha.


Holy Week Ramblings

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The focus that so many Christians have on Satan is somewhat mysterious to me. In fact, I should point out that theologically, Satan is almost a non-issue or a non-point in terms of necessity. The explanation of evil in the world does not require a specific entity to be the source of it; the basic Christian theology that sinfulness arises from man’s free will to not surrender to the Will of God and man’s abuse of his own passions seems to be explanation enough.


At the same time, if we are going to suggest that something such as Satan exists, I think the theology should more appropriately say that Satan is a creation of humans and not of God. This is not to suggest that Satan is a fictitious entity; that is not the meaning given here. Rather, I mean to say that Satan is created because of humans; our own sinfulness gives rise to some kind of trans-human evil entity, and by our turning away form this entity and back to God, said entity will diminish and eventually cease to exist.


Truly, I do think that if people live their lives religiously out of fear of hell, then they aren’t actually serving God. Rather, they’re serving their own sense of self-preservation; it is the committing of pride. One’s fear of hell and one’s greed for heaven are not proper motivators. If this is what’s going on, then one may as well hang it all up and go out and sin anyway, because that would be superior to committing pride in this most horrible manner.


With regards to a great deal of Christian theology, I would stay I remain staunchly agnostic. Funny that someone who has espoused Gnosticism would say that he’s largely agnostic about things, but that’s the way it runs. I do think a great deal of Christianity has been overcomplicated; some things just seem so simple and to the point to me that I’m not sure how the legalism and complexities of theology appeared.


After speaking with a Red State Mystic recently, I do think that some of the theological revolts that have occurred in the past within Christendom are largely misunderstandings of some of the subtle philosophy used to explain things. I also think that the Church has made a huge mistake in choosing Aristotle over Plato and even Neo-Platonism. Naturally, though, my criticism would possibly fall on deaf ears.


Erik asked me recently whether or not I would also remain Gnostic during my conversion to the Episcopal Church. The real question is whether or not I will ever find a particular label that will help explain my perspectives on things, which are always subject to change upon further evidence. I would say that I’m a mystic with no doubt, and a Christian mystic at that, but I would also say that the dichotomy between “orthodoxy” and “heresy” is quite a superficial one. I think the heresiologists made a straw-man out of a lot of the heretics.


So, the real answer is that I see Gnosticism as a further developed form of Christian mysticism with its own particular way of handling things, but I don’t see it as set apart as a religion or system unto itself. I know that there are many modern Gnostics who would disagree with me on this point, but I’m not concerned with their opinions one way or another.


Father Troy has remarked before that he finds it irritating that many Christians, typically your garden-variety Sola Scriptura Evangelical, think that they somehow have a copyright on the word “Christian.” I would go so far as to say the same thing about some Catholics. After all that has been said and done, I do affirm that the Episcopal Church is part of the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church, and I do affirm that their Holy Orders and Apostolic Succession are valid and have always been valid, whether or not they ever entered historically into liturgical apostasy.

Just some thoughts for today. I hope all my Christian friends are enjoying Holy Week.