So, the longest week of my life, or at least, the longest week of my life in so far as I can remember, has just ceased. I think I can safely say that the week is over, though I can see that there’s still a darkness on the horizon.


My father had a mild heart attack Easter Sunday. He went into the hospital and was out by Tuesday, partially because of the procedure that went so well, and partially because he’s a tough guy.


Easter Sunday was the longest day I can remember in a while. I cried off and on for most of the day, for various reasons, all to do with my father. I hated walking through the house and not seeing him there, not seeing him in his recliner, not hearing him outside doing something.


My best guess is that my panic, my anxiety, comes somewhere from a fear of being separated from my parents. I cannot, however, be certain of this.


As I’ve mentioned before, I seem to develop in the external sense more slowly than other people do- so I can’t expect to be the same kind of person that a so-called “normal” 26 year old would be at this point.


My jealousy for other people’s success in the external world continues, unfortunately. I seem to have jealousy of someone, then I seem to deal with it, and then it returns. Well, this newest time, I was able to focus on Christ, and to meditate and try to keep my mind on Him. This helped but did not totally deal with the issue.


Now, I shall share a dream that I may well have shared on here before, a dream I had years ago. So long ago, in fact, did I have this dream, that I cannot remember how old I was. My guess is that I was at least 11 years old.


In the dream, I was a squire, a knight’s helper, and I remember that my house was a castle. The castle, then, had a external part where I saw a star, spinning around. The star in question looked like the stars from Super Mario 64, and I’m pretty sure I saw the image in Nintendo Power.


Anyway, the star was spinning around (like in the video game), and I remember I went to the King and told him I would find the way to the garden to retrieve the star for him.


I went with a knight and a horse, and the journey wasn’t long- just around to my backyard, where we had an electric fence. The star was there, albeit by this time it had transformed into some small, oddly shaped star with rainbow colors and just lay on the ground.


My first intention was to try to crawl under the electric fence, but I realized this wouldn’t work, so I just stepped over it, and did so quite easily.

I picked up the star, and I remember I bit it for some reason to check it. I then returned, valiantly, as a knight, back to the castle with the king, and here ended the dream.


I remember as I returned back to the king the swelling sense of happiness and pride in my heart, the deep and sheer LONGING that humans have in being who they truly are.


So, this dream led me many years afterward to seek to manifest the “knight” archetype. I seem to have failed at every attempt of taking this archetype in myself and showing it to other people. I tried and tried and could not never actually access it.


Yesterday, after Mass, I had the strangest epiphany that this world belongs to me- that is, it belongs to me, as much as it belongs to anyone else. This world was given to humanity for dominion in the sense of our having charge over a garden for which we care. The world, very simply, became my oyster, a concept I had never thought of before. The lyrics “Everybody wants to rule the world” actually rung true to me for once. I was shocked by the notion that I had any desire inside of me to rule the world, to dominate anything at all.


To me, life has always been something of the opposite- I’ve always felt that I have been at the mercy of terrifying forces and fearsome systems that would drain all the happiness and life energy from me for their own sake. This is very much so akin to the fundamentalist/evangelical Christian world view with which I was raised, and it also seems to be akin to the Gnostic world view.


I had never been given the power, have never been given the power, to rise up to challenge these things.


Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee simply says that a change in consciousness is the most powerful thing that can happen for the human, and that it’s more powerful than anything external to us. This has been a point of my own sense of security- if my consciousness can be changed, then I may indeed be saved from the threats of the world.


But perhaps the threats aren’t real in the first place, at least not in my case.


Then last night, as I meditated, it struck me: I had identified for over a decade with the knight in the dream, never realizing that the character I had been trying to please was the king. The pride and longing as a knight ultimately referred back to the fact that I had pleased the king and accomplished what I said; I had never actually identified with being the KING HIMSELF.


My actual name means or refers to “King,” in fact, with my middle name also relating to royalty. This is a fascinating situation, to discover somewhere, internally, I really do view myself as royalty. It is a birthright that I must claim, I suppose.


Recently, my meditation has been deepening; after I learned that I could direct the songs in my head to Christ/the Black Fire, a good number of issues were solved. There’s not a lot that happens at this point; I just kind of sit with a blank mind, and when thoughts do arise, I push them back into the void.


It’s quite interesting to see that almost three years of daily meditation have actually created some deepened capacity to concentrate.

I was also surprised to start reading The Dark Night of the Soul (and actually make it a bit of the way into it, beyond the preliminaries) and see St. John of the Cross talk about this very state of contemplation. He also warns to not try to actively pursue anything at this point, instead to just allow the silence to be there instead of attempting to fill it, as God is infusing the person with qualities in a way that we cannot imagine.

I’m not quite sure if this particular state of contemplation is synonymous with the Eastern dhyana or not. I do not completely forget myself; I do not seem to be completely forgetful of my existence, as it were, nor do my senses shut down. Some of the time, thoughts still come and go, though I’ve noticed I can meditate for half an hour and it seems like almost no time has gone by, maybe five or ten minutes at the most.


That being said, this state also doesn’t quite seem like sleep, so maybe I’m only on the outskirts of something and not actually in it. Time will tell.

Now, after all this is said and done, it’s time for me to really start living.