I think the time’s finally arrived where I should be attempting to live my life from the Black Fire Center or Third Chakra or whatever the hell part of me was activated when I was around 11 or 12.


To this day, I’ve still not totally figured out what this feeling/sense/perception is or means. I can connect a few of the dots, as it implicates a kind of golden era or a part of me that actually appreciates myself or likes myself and feels accepted by other people.


It is a strange situation, indeed, that I would live my life in such a way or have the kind of conditioning and personality where my own image of myself is determined almost exclusively by how other people see me. I think the big issue I have is that other people rarely, if ever, see me the way I see myself, and instead they act like I’m some kind of monkey putting on a show for them. That other people can’t recognize me for what I am is one issue, and that other people make a mockery of the image of me they create for themselves is a continuity of that issue, and that I actually care that they’re mocking that image of me is another issue still.


But this point of liking myself seems to coincide with the concept of “being the person God has created me to be.” The problem is that this phrase is usually used in a quasi-moralistic way of following rules and doing things the way some self-styled religious authority would have you behave, which is often enough to cause one to focus on one’s self and to be distracted from his corruption.


The other issue that is that living from the Black Fire area and keeping my awareness on it is incredibly difficult, and I can’t be sure that I’m not falsifying things. It takes a tremendous focus, and so it’s difficult to activate when I’m out in public or interacting with other people- the very time that it would actually be most useful.


Christ is connected to the Black Fire, and I *have* made efforts to pray and keep my mind on the Black Fire. I have all too often the issue of referring to God the Father and having the Old Man image come up- certainly an act of mental idolatry I would like to smash to pieces, so focusing on the Black Fire gives a greater sense of immediacy of God the Father as well.


Last Monday, I went to the Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. For the first time, I felt like I was in a Catholic Church and not envying it or wanting to be a part of it because I felt that I WAS a part of it- whether or not the Church as an entity would recognize that I should be receiving Holy Communion there. I still do wish that the Episcopal Church would have a higher regard for Eucharistic Adoration and Marian piety and contemplative prayer, but then I suppose there’s a reason so few of us are called to the really mystical aspects of the Tradition.


Now that I’m officially Confirmed, I can go around, wearing the badge of being an Anglo-Catholic Episcopalian. Embracing my identity as an Anglo-Catholic ironically causes me to have fewer fits with the sense of identity or determining who or what I am; by embracing the process of identification, I decreased the power of the ego over me. That’s weird how that works.


I think that, in some ways, I may have been mistaken about the concept of “belonging” and such and having a group affiliation. Those of who are so intellectually inclined sometimes think the notion of a “group” and “membership” is somehow an abstraction only, that it’s a term or expression we use, but there’s something very REAL about being in a group, about being a part of something- especially something such as the Mystical Body of Christ.


I know that I belong to the Mystical Body of Christ whether I congregate with the people at the Church or not; I belong to Christ, and this is more than simply an abstraction to say I’ve adopted certain patterns or actions or symbols in my life; there is a literal and substantial connection somewhere, and that’s the most interesting and crucial element.


Okay, I’m tired of writing.