Entry #So and So.

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I have several blogs written on my iPad that I’ve simply not posted. Sometimes, I have trouble with user name and password combinations to access my blog, and I despise the process of having to request and reset my password.

The past week has been wretched in a way I can’t begin to explain; anger has boiled within me, and it’s a particular and peculiar kind of anger.


Basically, my brain, somewhere in its depths, physically felt like it was both on fire and dry. Since our bodies are largely composed of water, that doesn’t really explain why my brain would feel dry. Needless to say, it put me in an extremely bad mood. Other situation in my life exacerbated said bad mood.


Part of the gold of this process, then, is that I’m learning to accept the anger and attempting to integrate it into my life. In many ways, I’m too sensitive of a person, and it’s not a matter of needing to have thicker skin so much as it is a matter of standing up for myself.


Someone mentioned recently on my Facebook about turning the other cheek, and someone else retorted that the turning the other cheek works when it comes to you, but when it comes to people you love, that falls apart very quickly.


I agree.


I also think that the majority of my anger comes from righteous indignation; someone does something evil or unjust, and that’s when I go ballistic. It’s not when you do something I personally find trashy that I’m angry; it’s when you start fucking up someone’s life, someone’s chance at happiness and love, that I turn into an uberbitch.


Tonight, the anger has not completely gone away, but as I repeated “IESU” on my chotki, I began to have a sense of the Presence of God. Suffice it to say that this was the first time in my life that I had a moment where I could say with certainty that God exists.


And it’s true that I’ve maintained a Basic Agnostic position for quite some time in my life, and this is a filter that created its own bias within me.


Please understand that when I say “Basic Agnostic,” I mean this in the sense that most people remain some kind of “Basic Worldview” for the majority of their lives. People give up, for instance, Christianity but still maintain a good bit of morality and mental structures that are aligned with Christianity in some form or fashion, no matter how errant they are.


I can explain more of this later.


For the first time, I felt a direct connection to the Ultimate Reality, and simultaneously, I understood in this particular mode of knowing that I don’t know ALL of that Reality. This at once takes care of the problem of ego-inflation as it means necessarily that I’m not going to make the silly mistake of thinking I totally get the whole bit of “God’s Plan for Everything.”


Another certainty also appeared about our going on after death. For those of you who are unaware, the idea that when we die we simply go into oblivion has persisted in me and terrified me at various points in my life. This fear of death actually drove me to become obsessed with the Actual Freedom Trust at one point in the past, as the idea was to attain Actual Freedom sooner than later so as to not be terrified by dying when the point in time came.


But how can I possibly have certainty? Well, the issue, I think, with agnosticism is that it affirms that one cannot have an absolute knowing of the nature of reality or the existence of God and such- and this is true insofar as we speak of the strictly rational functions of the mind.


But the means of knowing to which I’m referring is different, and this is where I part company with the rest of the world in that I can’t explain what the mode of knowing I have is, only that it is a mode of knowing, a different mode, and it isn’t, surprisingly enough, intuition.


Perhaps this is another crack in the whole Dark Night of the Soul. Had I realized exactly how intense the Dark Night had been all this time, I might have gone crazy early on. Parts of my Shadow-issues returned not long after I posted the blog to reassure A Red State Mystic, and so I felt as though I had spoken too soon. Now with this breakthrough, I feel as though maybe I simply have to be persistent and tough this out.


God, I do ask that you help me, my family, our business, and my friends; I pray that you help all the mystics who seek You, Whatever You are.




Further Understanding

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Lately, I’ve written a few different blogs that are lurking on my iPad. I’ve yet to upload them for various reasons, but that’s okay; I’ll make sure that I note when I finally get around to putting them online that they come, chronologically, after this blog.

That being said, something happened recently. I’ve been in the process of integrating the Shadow for quite some time, and most recently, I fell ill. Each time I’ve been sick since last December, I’ve noticed that I was going through some kind of purgation.


I’m not sure if anyone else has had a parallel experience of a physical sickness manifesting in their body when they’ve come upon a deep psychological transformation or integration or not.


One thing I should note is that my dreams have for many years seen me back in high school. These always bothered me for various reasons, not the least of which that I’ve already graduated from college.


But now I’m having dreams about entering college, and not the colleges I’ve actually attended; the dreams are actually about larger colleges as opposed to the smaller ones I attended.


This isn’t a reference to my actual education so much as it is to my internal or spiritual education, I would guess. So, the moving on up to the college level makes me think I’ve made some kind of transition.


So, I integrated some of the Shadow, in fact, probably a large part of it. I resisted it for far too long, and the scope of this blog as a whole couldn’t explain to others the kind of torment I endured during the integration process. I can’t give specifics because they wouldn’t make sense to other people. Suffice is to say that once you realize that the Shadow largely consists of irrational processes that control us and direct us to do things we may not consciously want to do or would find horrifying and repugnant, you have to also accept this reality and allow yourself to feel the darkest of the dark impulses- and accept them.


What I mean by “accept” is difficult to explain. “Acceptance” is not the same as merely making a conscious acknowledgment, nor is it a conscious acting out of the Shadow impulses, though in some cases one can act out the impulses without any kind of social repercussion. I wish I could explain.


But then, this process happened while I was sick and thereof in a slightly altered state of mind as well, so accepting was easier for me to do.


The immediate effect that happened is the blockages which I’ve so long lamented of in my heart began to disappear. When the particular Shadow problems appear now, as soon as I accept them, the block that appears in my heart goes away, and I can feel Longing and Love much, much more easily.


The other blockage is in my head; this was a more recent discovery. Whereas the energy moving through me used to catch at the heart and go no further, it now catches as the base of the skull and seems to only go into my head as a whole in very small amounts.


The condition as it stands reminds me slightly of the unitive condition or what tastes I’ve had of it before, though it’s still gradually building at the moment. In general, I feel more peaceful, I seem to enjoy myself and life more, and I have this sense that the next great movement is the integration of the anima/animus.


Though some would argue that as a male I lack the animus, I disagree; I have seen the animus time and time again during the course of my dreams, even since I was quite young, and my animus largely overlaps with the Self. I’m okay with that, too.


Anyway, the next step of integration that was revealed to me deals with realizing that the guy I’ve seen in other guys is actually a projection of me. I’m actually the guy I long for, for I am the Longing One, and the Longing One, in turn, is actually the Inner Christ.


This all sounds heavy and maybe too intellectualized but reflects actual experiences I’m having and not just ideas that are floating around me or that I’ve read in books. But then, for all the trash-talking I hear some mystics do about books, I also think books are good for finding the external method of integrating one’s experiences; as Andy of A Red State Mystic states, the Tradition gives us a language by which to express ourselves.

I can’t say whether or not my own Dark Night has finished, but I can say that there seems to be a Light at the end of the tunnel that I did not see before. So, in good cheer, I do tell you, Andy, that the Dark Night is worth the traverse, and I do tell you as well to KEEP GOING.


Also, a bit of a theological reflection here: I understand now what Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee means when he says that it is ultimately God’s grace that takes us home. To see this state that I’m currently in, I understand from the inside-out that *I* did not induce this state of being; *I* did not create this; *I* did not stumble upon this; this is something into which I was brought.

Yes, it may appear that one is brought in the state by actively participating, but the participation on our part, too, is Christ compelling us. Perhaps we are all called and only some answer His call; I cannot say.


One glimpse of how this may work that I’ve seen is that, since so much of my Shadow has to do with self-denial and self-hatred, the integration of the low self-esteem and self-hatred will be countered by the integration of the animus that I adore so much and which largely represents a high self-esteem. I could see this works possibly as a “thesis, antithesis” which then collapses into a synthesis- that is, the alchemy of the Shadow and the Animus thus mixed together cause a collapse in the Ego and a revelation of the Interior Christ’s true dominion.


That, however, IS speculation, though I was aware of these things in meditation.

Pax Vobiscum.