I have several blogs written on my iPad that I’ve simply not posted. Sometimes, I have trouble with user name and password combinations to access my blog, and I despise the process of having to request and reset my password.

The past week has been wretched in a way I can’t begin to explain; anger has boiled within me, and it’s a particular and peculiar kind of anger.

 

Basically, my brain, somewhere in its depths, physically felt like it was both on fire and dry. Since our bodies are largely composed of water, that doesn’t really explain why my brain would feel dry. Needless to say, it put me in an extremely bad mood. Other situation in my life exacerbated said bad mood.

 

Part of the gold of this process, then, is that I’m learning to accept the anger and attempting to integrate it into my life. In many ways, I’m too sensitive of a person, and it’s not a matter of needing to have thicker skin so much as it is a matter of standing up for myself.

 

Someone mentioned recently on my Facebook about turning the other cheek, and someone else retorted that the turning the other cheek works when it comes to you, but when it comes to people you love, that falls apart very quickly.

 

I agree.

 

I also think that the majority of my anger comes from righteous indignation; someone does something evil or unjust, and that’s when I go ballistic. It’s not when you do something I personally find trashy that I’m angry; it’s when you start fucking up someone’s life, someone’s chance at happiness and love, that I turn into an uberbitch.

 

Tonight, the anger has not completely gone away, but as I repeated “IESU” on my chotki, I began to have a sense of the Presence of God. Suffice it to say that this was the first time in my life that I had a moment where I could say with certainty that God exists.

 

And it’s true that I’ve maintained a Basic Agnostic position for quite some time in my life, and this is a filter that created its own bias within me.

 

Please understand that when I say “Basic Agnostic,” I mean this in the sense that most people remain some kind of “Basic Worldview” for the majority of their lives. People give up, for instance, Christianity but still maintain a good bit of morality and mental structures that are aligned with Christianity in some form or fashion, no matter how errant they are.

 

I can explain more of this later.

 

For the first time, I felt a direct connection to the Ultimate Reality, and simultaneously, I understood in this particular mode of knowing that I don’t know ALL of that Reality. This at once takes care of the problem of ego-inflation as it means necessarily that I’m not going to make the silly mistake of thinking I totally get the whole bit of “God’s Plan for Everything.”

 

Another certainty also appeared about our going on after death. For those of you who are unaware, the idea that when we die we simply go into oblivion has persisted in me and terrified me at various points in my life. This fear of death actually drove me to become obsessed with the Actual Freedom Trust at one point in the past, as the idea was to attain Actual Freedom sooner than later so as to not be terrified by dying when the point in time came.

 

But how can I possibly have certainty? Well, the issue, I think, with agnosticism is that it affirms that one cannot have an absolute knowing of the nature of reality or the existence of God and such- and this is true insofar as we speak of the strictly rational functions of the mind.

 

But the means of knowing to which I’m referring is different, and this is where I part company with the rest of the world in that I can’t explain what the mode of knowing I have is, only that it is a mode of knowing, a different mode, and it isn’t, surprisingly enough, intuition.

 

Perhaps this is another crack in the whole Dark Night of the Soul. Had I realized exactly how intense the Dark Night had been all this time, I might have gone crazy early on. Parts of my Shadow-issues returned not long after I posted the blog to reassure A Red State Mystic, and so I felt as though I had spoken too soon. Now with this breakthrough, I feel as though maybe I simply have to be persistent and tough this out.

 

God, I do ask that you help me, my family, our business, and my friends; I pray that you help all the mystics who seek You, Whatever You are.

 

Beaux

 

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