(Wrote this a few days ago. I thought I should note it.)

As luck would have it, I’m having to write this on my word processor. It’s not that I have any particular problem in doing that, it’s just that lately, things seem to have suddenly gone to hell in their own way. That’s what happens on the path of the mystic, though: a constant stretch between heaven and hell.

It’s almost a formula for me now: the days of extreme anger and fury where I’m ready to disembowel another human being are also the days or periods of time whereby huge spiritual insight follows. I have to constantly remind myself when the anger becomes a consistent force that it’s actually probably God making His move on me. Bernadette Roberts (at least, I think it was she) said that grace goes counter to our ego, and that may well be what’s happening to me in such situations.

Today, I also noticed that upon meditating, I could go below the part of my mind where the tension and anger had built up. Not so far below, mind you, dear reader, that the tension and anger and stress were seamlessly absorbed into the deeper, stiller part of me, but far below enough that I might see that there’s something more to us than the storm of emotions we experience in our everyday mind. 

I’ve slacked in meditation recently but haven’t forsaken my spiritual practices altogether; I’ve been reading a book lent to me by a friend about how to develop one’s psychic powers, and instead of turning my nose up at it in the style of a snobby mystic (an oxymoron, if you ask me), I take the book for the value that it has in my developing some part of my mind that seems to be important. So be it. Some things must be traversed and traveled; we can’t have it all ways, can we? Oh, but we can have it all ways, and in fact, we must.

This is an important point: our lives are meant to be lived. If we have a burning desire to be in a romantic relationship, that’s what we should do, mystic or not. If we have the passion to be a famous pianist, that, too, is the path we should pursue. Any attempt to give these things up for God as an act of sacrifice or offering is tantamount to blasphemy as the embrace of such things is the will of God and the sacrifice all offered together in a seamless flow. Avoiding what we really want in life will only cause us and those around us misery. 

Tonight, after reading a bit of high theology, and by high theology, I mean the very abstract theological writings that have a decidedly Catholic flavor to them, I recalled the burning love for God the Catholics have taught me over the years, especially when I first returned to Christianity. The God of Whom they speak is a wondrous Being of Light, of Love, of Completeness and Fulfillment; He is no wrathful, vengeful entity that the Puritans and their bastard children, the Southern Baptists, serve. It’s so strange since I have bashed this high theology more recently, discussing how it’s divorced from reality in the practical sense. On the other hand, I find that it captures God in a way that other words and experiences fail to.

One final note: I notice a kind of circuit or route between my brain and heart, the upper heart chakra of which I so often speak as being blocked in some manner. This inner circuit seems to belong to God and God alone; or if not to God alone, then to love and to whatever spiritual love may exist. 

Christ is calling me yet again back to Him, or perhaps I should say He’s comforting me on the very day that I felt so vehemently that I had again the desire to renounce Christianity. But I won’t, I can’t- for CHRIST has chosen me, not the other way around.