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What shall I speak of Sophia, she who is Holy Wisdom of God Himself?

Sophia…until recently, I never knew, and never realized, how often she had been there for me, with me, in all things.

Sophia specifically appears more frequently to me during the Christmas season, and now I realize that she is the one who endows life with meaning

Christmas, for instance, has a certain loveliness, a certain meaning, a certain kind of fun; a charm, as it were, that many of us lose as we get older. The piles of presents, the lights, the Christmas desserts and carols- and the meaningfulness behind them all is that which Sophia has enchanted into these things. Without her, even the glorious Midnight Mass falls short of its truth and beauty. Without Sophia, what could possibly be made meaningful?

The next time you have a moment of meaningfulness, realize that Sophia is behind it. Whether you gaze into the night sky or feel a distinct softness floating on the window or listening to the cooing of a baby, there Sophia is. 

I have prayed each night that I might be with Sophia in my dreams. The first night as I attempted to “program” myself for this, her presence entered me, and it felt as though my heart were breaking from the inside, and the longing coursing through me has been unknown to me for so long. Oh, to be one with Sophia! She loves us all so much…she is so far beyond this all.

But I don’t want to just abstractly be with Sophia; I want to see her, to touch her, to hear her voice, to look into her eyes. I don’t want to relegate her to some realm of “mere personification of an abstract concept.” I want the real, living presence of Sophia touching me, transforming me.

Christ, apparently, is feminine as well as masculine. 

Sophia…Sophia…Sophia…renew the face of the earth…

The Collect of the Assumption of Sophia from the Lectionary of the Ecclesia Gnostica:

We thus call upon the Holy Sophia, the supernal mother of our souls, and celestial bride of our spirits: Daughter of Infinite Light, born of enlightened love; merciful and compassionate, embodiment of perfect wisdom; begotten in Eternity, beyond time and space. With what words shall we praise Thee, or with what thought comprehend Thy majesty? Utterance must profane Thee; Silence itself can but bear witness to Thee. How shall we extol Thee? In what shall we shadow forth Thy great glory among us? And our Lady Sophia answers, saying: Ye shall dance, sing, feast, make music and love, all in my praise. For mine is the ecstasy of the spirit, and mine also joy on earth. Let my worship be in the heart that rejoiceth. wherefore let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you, now and for evermore. 


Not Sure What to Write

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Today’s been pretty hard for me. I lost one of my pets, an old cat, to two dogs running around outside at 4 AM. She was a sweet cat, and for a time, my heart was flooded with hate, hate for the dogs, hate for the people who let the dogs run wild, hate for the whole situation.

Oddly, I didn’t blame God. I could’ve, because often when shitty things occur, people immediately blame God.

But you see, as I don’t see God micromanaging the universe (read: I don’t really believe in a Personal God), I don’t see God directly responsible for the death of my animal. There are certain laws and patterns in the universe, and as a result of attributes arising in certain animals, they acted on their aggressive nature and killed my cat. So many people get mad at the Personal God and hold Him responsible for all the horrific things that happen in the world.

I’ve felt attacked all day. Maybe that’s the spirit of my kitty cat, speaking to me; my anxiety’s spiked, I’m tired but can’t really sleep, and so on. 

I feel helpless because I wasn’t there to at least attempt to save her; all I heard were dogs barking and barking and barking outside at 4 in the goddamned morning, and when I finally went to the window and watched for a while, I realize they were barking OVER something playing with something, each bark a cry of conquest into the overcast night.

I hate those dogs. No, it isn’t Christ-like of me. Yes, that probably makes me a bad Christian. But one thing is for sure: if those dogs come into my lawn again, I will avenge my cat. I will kill them both and let God sort it out. 

I made the mistake earlier of reading the words of one of the fucking break-away Anglican groups who were condemning the Presiding Bishop of the ECUSA of being a heretic, and I just wanted to scream, “SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY. THE ONLY SAVING GRACE OF ANGLICANISM IS THAT IT LOOKS LIKE CATHOLICISM AND THAT YOU CAN BE OPENLY GAY AMONG PEOPLE WHO AREN’T A BUNCH OF FUCKWITS WHOSE ONLY THEOLOGY IS ‘OBEY, OBEY, OBEY.'” God is not borg. Jesus. 

Maybe my mistake, as usual, is being a mystic and having to deal with the mainstream Christians. I hate the term “mainstream,” but I refuse to use “orthodox” as I believe the concept is hokey at best and simply used as an exclusionary term. On the other hand, mysticism excludes no one; God is there, God is here, for all to pursue.

Christianity is full of so many assholes. I do believe that many of them think they’re truly, truly, TRULY defending the One Truth Handed Down for All Time, and if some of my own friends felt that way, I would yield to them because they embody Christ. (Richard, Justin, Andy,Carlo, the priest of my home parish and the bishop of my diocese are included in this list.) 

But some of the people who are saying they embody Christ are just a bunch of assholes walking around in vestments feeling smug, and what they inevitably need is a good POP in the mouth to rouse them again to their senses.

Okay. I’m done ranting. Maybe God will see me through this situation to something absolutely blessed.


Destiny Catching Up with Me

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How shall I explain these things to anyone?

Okay, that opening line can sound pretentious in any era, in any culture, in any climate and quite likely would be accurate. The other hand suggests a reality that some things are just too complex to be conveyed properly, but I should try.

I’m not sure how to go about spelling “Cabala” and such, but being of the Divine and Catholic Faith, I should probably use the C-spelling. So, I will, likely from here on out.

I stumbled upon Cabala for the first time as a teenager, and that was probably quite by accident. is still up and running, and I recall consulting it a great deal in those days.

The Tree of Life on there is quite informative, and while I give the author kudos for that, what we find lacking is indeed my biggest complaint ever: there are not very many actual practices that are available or given on the site. 

But setting that gripe aside, as a means of organizing Things Spiritual, the Tree of Life is absolutely superb, and the intricate spiritual connections of God reaffirm things I knew somehow intuitively at a much younger age.

So, to get to my point: if ever I felt that Destiny and Fate and Fortune are true, it’s now. I feel that my Fate is catching up with me, that something is beginning to shift in the deeper levels of my psyche. 

When I was younger, in high school, I had a dream that I was with a bunch of other students, and we climbed down some kind of strange pole to look into a temple. 

The Temple was magnificent- huge, airy, with beautiful architecture and stained glass windows. I heard something of a Gregorian chant in the background (which was actually the Temple of Time music from Zelda: Ocarina of Time) and looked to see a huge section of the walls filled with Hebrew writing.

I couldn’t read Hebrew then, but I could recognize the language. That dream has stuck with me over the years as being highly important, and now, I’ve finally learned the “Letters of Fire.” Maybe I still can’t read Hebrew properly as I don’t know the language, but I can recognize the individual letters, that’s for sure. 

And in this, somehow, there is a connection to that dream, there is a connection to my past in which the seeds were planted and began unfolding in the unconscious in my life. I fought their growth in my own bumbling egotistical way for some time, and now, the seeds of truth are taking their revenge by bringing me to where I need to be.

Come, Lord Jesus, come.

So I suppose, then, that it’s up to me to go about using what I know about meditation to focus upon the Tree of Life. So be it; I’m willing to do what it takes to surrender to God.



On the Rosary

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An interesting thing to note is how sometimes the Anglican rosary is touted as being more “user-friendly” than the Dominican (or Catholic) rosary of Our Lady. The reasoning is kind of strange to me on a few levels.

Let’s consider first that the Dominican rosary revealed by Our Lady was revealed as a one and particular whole; the hypothesis about the development of the rosary prior to that is that the monks in Christendom would recite all 150 Psalms during the course of the day. 

The common people, then, who might not have memorized all 150 Psalms, somewhere substituted the saying of 150 Our Fathers or, in some cases, 150 Hail Marys. 

The rosary was revealed with a set of 15 mysteries (and now 20 if you count the Luminous mysteries given by Pope John Paul II), ten Hail Marys being attached to each mystery. The rosary also goes through many of the major events in the life of Christ. 

The problem in thinking, of course, is that the Dominican rosary, as in the rosary with the specific number of beads on it, can ONLY be used to pray in this way, and that the Anglican rosary, devoid of specific prayers attached to it, is therefore easier to use.

Well, one thing is true: the Anglican rosary is shorter than the Dominican rosary, whereby there are 4 sets of 7 beads (called weeks) and a larger bead that precedes those four. 

Now, I will hand it to the Anglican rosary and specifically this website in question for showing all the various levels of symbolism that exist in it: The Anglican Rosary. The symbolism that exists in the conscious design of the rosary actually reminds me of the Qabalah and the various connections that are made among numbers and symbolism. So, I can praise whoever developed the Anglican rosary based on that, especially when all the symbolism is present in the numbers.

At the same time, the prayers for the Dominican rosary can also be changed and altered as one wishes, so on level, I don’t see the need for a person to, say, own both kinds. But some people like their prayer beads and such, so I say whatever and to go FOR IT if needs be.


Tarot and Card Reading

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Well, here I am again, having not updated…

I took it upon myself this past April to begin studying the Tarot and various means of cartomancy with a greater degree of focus and aspiration than I have in the past. The Tarot and indeed any method of divination always carries with it certain hurdles, but such is life. 

One issue with reading Tarot is the notion of “finding a deck that speaks to you.” Well, that’s all fine and good, and I formerly was the proud owner of the Gilded Tarot but came to despise it as time went by; I increasingly felt unable to relate to the pictures or felt something generally to be “off” about the deck.

Enter my return to the Rider-Waite deck with all its esoteric imagery and symbolism, including references to God and to the Eucharist, and I’m much, much happier now. The images are almost clearly meant to be read by candlelight or in low light at the very least so as to inspire the deeper aspects of the mind; they’re meant to provoke the imagination in such a way.

The hurdle is, of course, that the given meanings of the cards can range heavily; each card has multiple potential meanings, and they’re sometimes completely unrelated in any way. 

Some cards simply don’t speak to me in any meaningful way; I just can’t attach a meaning or decipher them by visual cues nor by the numerological and elemental associations. I had a fit with reading the Justice card one night and couldn’t pull any meaning from him, though now I attribute a sort “just deserts” to the card along with a rigidity of rules. 

The Lenormand deck fascinates me as her method of reading cards is associated to some degree with playing cards, and the Petit Etteillia seems to have preceded even the Lenormand deck. 

So, I took it upon myself to construct a new Lenormand deck for myself, one that left out the use of writing the words in Russian on the cards for no apparent reason, and then I constructed my own personal deck based on the same premise as the Petit Etteilla, which is to say, I took any number of symbols that are at once universal and personal and wrote them at various places on 24 playing cards. There are a total of four words on each card on the top, bottom, and respective sides, bringing the total number of possible symbols to read to 96. 

The symbols were chosen because they meaning something to me, and they can easily be interpreted because of that.

One method of reading that appeals to me now is the Grand Tableau in which ALL the cards are laid out and read, especially with reference to the significator card. My method of divining this way is that a card is chosen at random before shuffling, and then the cards are shuffled, followed by laying all of them out. 

The cards are then read about the signifying card accordingly. 

Of course, there are FOUR different words on each card, so how do I choose which word to read? I’m not totally sure yet; I simply “know” which word is leaping out and connecting with the other symbols. 

I have high expectations and great feelings about having constructed my own personal deck. I should also mention that the cards in question were all chosen at random, and I appealed foremost to Santa Muerte about helping me with these symbols and attribute this method of divination to being due to her guidance. 

What matters in this case is that I’m not trying to read symbols that other people have established and which I must then decipher; I’m reading symbols that are already intrinsic to my own mind and can thus be read with some degree of fluency simply because I know what they mean. Frankly, I think this is a brave and powerful move.

I’ve also been reading the Russian Gypsy Fortunetelling Cards that I’ve neglected for most of the year. I started reading those again last week sometime, and I forgot just how much I enjoyed using them and reading them for others. Alas, one cannot charge for those cards as a moral warning in the book itself, so the Russian Gypsy Fortunetelling Cards will have to remain a gift given to friends and family.

But back to my own personal deck, which has no name as of now, I will likely continue to edit and refine it until I’m completely satisfied that I can get the most out of it. It occurs to me that various kinds of symbols are lacking on the cards, but what symbols should I include? Those, too, will come in time. God bless us, every one.