Today’s been pretty hard for me. I lost one of my pets, an old cat, to two dogs running around outside at 4 AM. She was a sweet cat, and for a time, my heart was flooded with hate, hate for the dogs, hate for the people who let the dogs run wild, hate for the whole situation.

Oddly, I didn’t blame God. I could’ve, because often when shitty things occur, people immediately blame God.

But you see, as I don’t see God micromanaging the universe (read: I don’t really believe in a Personal God), I don’t see God directly responsible for the death of my animal. There are certain laws and patterns in the universe, and as a result of attributes arising in certain animals, they acted on their aggressive nature and killed my cat. So many people get mad at the Personal God and hold Him responsible for all the horrific things that happen in the world.

I’ve felt attacked all day. Maybe that’s the spirit of my kitty cat, speaking to me; my anxiety’s spiked, I’m tired but can’t really sleep, and so on. 

I feel helpless because I wasn’t there to at least attempt to save her; all I heard were dogs barking and barking and barking outside at 4 in the goddamned morning, and when I finally went to the window and watched for a while, I realize they were barking OVER something playing with something, each bark a cry of conquest into the overcast night.

I hate those dogs. No, it isn’t Christ-like of me. Yes, that probably makes me a bad Christian. But one thing is for sure: if those dogs come into my lawn again, I will avenge my cat. I will kill them both and let God sort it out. 

I made the mistake earlier of reading the words of one of the fucking break-away Anglican groups who were condemning the Presiding Bishop of the ECUSA of being a heretic, and I just wanted to scream, “SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY. THE ONLY SAVING GRACE OF ANGLICANISM IS THAT IT LOOKS LIKE CATHOLICISM AND THAT YOU CAN BE OPENLY GAY AMONG PEOPLE WHO AREN’T A BUNCH OF FUCKWITS WHOSE ONLY THEOLOGY IS ‘OBEY, OBEY, OBEY.'” God is not borg. Jesus. 

Maybe my mistake, as usual, is being a mystic and having to deal with the mainstream Christians. I hate the term “mainstream,” but I refuse to use “orthodox” as I believe the concept is hokey at best and simply used as an exclusionary term. On the other hand, mysticism excludes no one; God is there, God is here, for all to pursue.

Christianity is full of so many assholes. I do believe that many of them think they’re truly, truly, TRULY defending the One Truth Handed Down for All Time, and if some of my own friends felt that way, I would yield to them because they embody Christ. (Richard, Justin, Andy,Carlo, the priest of my home parish and the bishop of my diocese are included in this list.) 

But some of the people who are saying they embody Christ are just a bunch of assholes walking around in vestments feeling smug, and what they inevitably need is a good POP in the mouth to rouse them again to their senses.

Okay. I’m done ranting. Maybe God will see me through this situation to something absolutely blessed.