These Internal Terrors

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This morning, I was attacked by disgusting inner desires/impulses/whatever-you-might-call-them in all its gory vividness.

What can you possibly do in the face of such evil? Well, maybe it isn’t exactly evil, but it’s certainly unwanted. 

I have desires, or better yet, reactions to certain things that I wish I did not have. I wish I didn’t become angry about some things, and I wish other things didn’t seem appealing to me.

A lot is built into these things- our personalities are more unconscious than we would like to admit. 

But the unconscious world isn’t stable, either- sure, there are aspects that are stable, for instance, you might have a favorite food that you continuously like or you might be generally a shy person- but other things ebb and flow. 

A concrete example: some things that others say or do might bother you more at some times than others. I particularly have to deal with the pretentious-sounding spiritual statements of other people who would play guru…simply because they’ve read a book or something and that somehow gives them license to speak down to everyone else, all the poor, naive, not-as-spiritual-as-they-people.

This bothers me at certain times more than others. Sometimes, I become mildly irritated, sometimes, almost to the point of wanting to rage, and sometimes, I just see it as some other way of looking at things- just different from my own conceptions/experiences. 

There are things about us that we will never share with others, maybe because they aren’t socially acceptable, or maybe because we really are the odd man out when it comes to such things. Depending on how important those things are depends on how much this affects us. Some things can be kept private. Not all things can be so.

How do you stop hating someone? I don’t know. I have a lot of resentment toward people in my life, resentment that comes from years and years ago. I have a lot of hatred, and just when I think I’ve stopped hating someone…I haven’t. 

There’s a kind of social echo in my mind, “Well, you don’t have the RIGHT to resent this or that person.” Bullshit. Feelings aren’t about rights- feelings happen without our consciously controlling them.

I know that I hold back a lot of my emotions- because they then manifest into pain in my body. I’m not joking. As I write this, I’ve fought something that I can’t resolve, and my left wrist is aching because I can’t find the solution or deal with the pain or resolve the complex, and the lack of resolution then goes back into my body and BOOM, aches, pains, and so on.

My goal is to be happy, fulfilled, and at peace. The resentment has to go for those things to happen. I would rather be happy, fulfilled, and at peace than resentful. But how do I stop the anger from coming up to begin with? How do I resolve the complex that’s allowing the anger to reside within me as resentment?


I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed, and Christ has not answered. So much for that route. I’ve begged my ancestors, the angels, the saints, and no one is helping. What the hell? *sighs* 


A Blog Long Time Coming

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This blog should’ve been written a while back, but it’s only recently that I’ve been able to focus enough to do so.

Here we are.

I mentioned in my previous post about happiness and fulfillment. I should copy and paste from my Facebook to show a Note I recently wrote (emphasis added):

  • I amend a status I posted on Facebook a little while ago, maybe a week or so. My utmost life’s desire is to be happy, fulfilled, and at peace.


  • Together, these three things are the goal that most of us seek. Happiness and fulfillment, in my experience, are not synonymous, and I am aware of philosophical attempts to distinguish the two. They do overlap in some ways.


  • My distinction: happiness is being in a good mood; happiness is a kind of elation, whether joy or bliss or just a general feel-good.


  • Fulfillment is a sense of completion, wholeness, and doneness- it can be a sense of accomplishment. It can be a sense of a relief, or more like a sense of “rightness,” that everything is accomplished, and now you can rest and enjoy that sense of accomplishment. You might not necessarily feel totally elated or overjoyed, but you feel whole, complete, done- and it, too, is a good feeling.


  • (Desire for fulfillment is partially what fuels phenomena like the Pokemon craze: people want to collect something all the way to having the full collection. Well, what then? A sense of completion, a sense of doneness, a sense of accomplishment…the same holds true for people who collect, well, anything. Desire for fulfillment also drives things like writing books and so on, whereby many of us know that writing a novel can be filled when many moments of not being happy.)


  • Peace is defined here as the absence of anxiety, worry, fear, hostility, anger, and so on- in other words, a kind of stillness and evenness of the mind. Also, peace would indicate a lack of intentional harmfulness to other people. Allow me to continue to amend the statement.


  • My utmost life’s desire is to be happy, fulfilled, and at peace such to the extent that it is overflowing and automatically affects other people for the better wherever I go, whatever their conditions are in life. I want my sheer presence to immediately help other people, whether I directly interact with them in any way or not; I want this not for anything that it can give me other than the knowing that someone’s life is better just because we happened to cross paths.


  • My utmost life’s desire is to be unconditionally happy, unconditionally fulfilled, and unconditionally at peace regardless of what happens to me or to anyone and to cause this to have a ripple effect across humanity.


  • This state may be akin to Nirvana, theosis, enlightenment, Christ consciousness and all our various terms for the ideal state of a human being. I’m not concerned about what we call it; I’m concerned about making it the reality.


  • I don’t want this just for myself; I want it for everyone I’ve ever known or ever will know. I wish that “none should perish, but that all should be saved” from their suffering and less-than-ideal circumstances in life. Whether this will require ego-dissolution or not, I don’t know- if it does, so be it. If not, so be it. I’m going to instead focus on what I want and making that happen instead of worrying about too many of the abstract details.


  • So, the goal has been defined now; here we go, on the grand journey of trying to make it happen. Trial and error, here I come!


  • Stevo


  • P.S. If anyone wants to discuss this in a constructive manner with me, I’m open to it! Sorry about the bullets; Facebook destroyed the original formatting and created a monstrosity of a TL;DR entry.

And there we have it.

Now, this may run, in some ways, parallel to what the Actual Freedom Trust has to offer, and a very important question came to mind for me during the process of considering these things: is it possible to develop a secular system that, in fact, results in the same end state as the traditional religious/spiritual mystical paths?

One problem I had with the AFT, and the reason I eventually rejected it, was that I wanted to put things in my own terms. I don’t like the term “harmless” as I prefer the term “peace,” and yet this very change of terminology would’ve caused a virtual uproar.

Why do I prefer the term peace? I’m not sure. I think peace is something I’ve directly experienced, and it’s a specific state or quality that I understand- and harmlessness can be read as being something that’s part of peace or exists with peace.


If one is peaceful, one is essentially harmless. But to be harmless does not necessarily mean that one is peaceful; indeed, you can be harmless (or powerless) and still be unhappy, upset, and not at all at peace.

I do not advocate shirking all beliefs and so on as essentially, any worldview contains a set of “beliefs” in it- including that of the AFT.

However, I’m not here to argue this.

I’m here to state that I know doubtlessly that in this life, I want to be HAPPY, FULFILLED, and AT PEACE.

I’m not sure that any religion or mystical tradition would disagree with these things.

Allow me to explain:

Christianity deals with suffering a great deal and the need to unite one’s own suffering with the passion of Christ. Even if suffering is unpleasant and one is not HAPPY in suffering, I would guess that suffering is somehow FULFILLING- and here lies an important thing, that fulfillment can appear in emotions that are not necessarily happiness.

But when working together in tandem, happiness and fulfillment are quite a good thing, I think. Add peace in, and this ultimately means that no one, INCLUDING ONESELF, is getting hurt. Everything is win-win.

I do have to bring myself back to the moment, to immediate situation, all the time. It’s amazing how much the mind can wander, and it’s amazing to see the kind of mental projections we have on familiar places.

Savoring things, then, and giving gratitude, are two things I’m using currently to try to make myself happier in general.

Sometimes, I do experience a very deep kind of “brain pain” where I’m cranky or in a bad “mood.” It’s difficult to get of this “mood,” and while I might be superficially happy (as I am at the writing of this blog) there is a deeper “mood” that is not so happy.

Now, this is another thing to consider: emotions are layered. We tend to speak in terms of, “I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m sleepy, I’m angry,” and so on, and yet often, we experience many emotions all at once.

“Mood” is the term to describe a kind of deeper, almost subconscious level of emotion- so a “mood” is what we don’t actually control as it comes from a deeper level of the mind, whereas the “given feeling” in a situation (like my currently being happy that I’m drinking coffee) is superficial and can waver and change in the moment.

Establishing a GOOD MOOD is highly important as a GOOD MOOD will make us able to deal with nuisance patterns of the mind.

For instance, I have many recurring negative thoughts, especially thoughts and feelings that attempt to reinforce a sense of low self-esteem. However, breaking through that and getting down into feeling happy, fulfilled, and peaceful is better than reliving nightmarish things that happened to me in the past. Escaping from those nightmarish things are important, yes, and perhaps having happiness everlasting in this life is the very way to vanquish demons of our past.

I have so many questions about this idea of seeking happiness, fulfillment, and peace. I have to remind myself, especially in the moments of extreme emotional swinging, that HAPPINESS, FULFILLMENT, AND PEACE are my ultimate goals in life, and that other emotions might arise, other things may happen, but this precious trinity is the best of the best, the diamond-gold, what I would guess everyone in the world really wants in their own lives.

In my way of thinking, one doesn’t have to give up one’s religion or particular opinions on matters to pursue these things. Sure, there may be things that, as time progresses, are rendered unimportant to these goals, but let that happen on its own- don’t force it.

Anyone of any religion or tradition or lack thereof can agree to pursue happiness, fulfillment, and peace.

Maybe someone would object to this somewhere, but…I dunno. I find it hard to reject happiness, fulfillment, and peace.

Oh, well.

More about this later.