This morning, I was attacked by disgusting inner desires/impulses/whatever-you-might-call-them in all its gory vividness.

What can you possibly do in the face of such evil? Well, maybe it isn’t exactly evil, but it’s certainly unwanted. 

I have desires, or better yet, reactions to certain things that I wish I did not have. I wish I didn’t become angry about some things, and I wish other things didn’t seem appealing to me.

A lot is built into these things- our personalities are more unconscious than we would like to admit. 

But the unconscious world isn’t stable, either- sure, there are aspects that are stable, for instance, you might have a favorite food that you continuously like or you might be generally a shy person- but other things ebb and flow. 

A concrete example: some things that others say or do might bother you more at some times than others. I particularly have to deal with the pretentious-sounding spiritual statements of other people who would play guru…simply because they’ve read a book or something and that somehow gives them license to speak down to everyone else, all the poor, naive, not-as-spiritual-as-they-people.

This bothers me at certain times more than others. Sometimes, I become mildly irritated, sometimes, almost to the point of wanting to rage, and sometimes, I just see it as some other way of looking at things- just different from my own conceptions/experiences. 

There are things about us that we will never share with others, maybe because they aren’t socially acceptable, or maybe because we really are the odd man out when it comes to such things. Depending on how important those things are depends on how much this affects us. Some things can be kept private. Not all things can be so.

How do you stop hating someone? I don’t know. I have a lot of resentment toward people in my life, resentment that comes from years and years ago. I have a lot of hatred, and just when I think I’ve stopped hating someone…I haven’t. 

There’s a kind of social echo in my mind, “Well, you don’t have the RIGHT to resent this or that person.” Bullshit. Feelings aren’t about rights- feelings happen without our consciously controlling them.

I know that I hold back a lot of my emotions- because they then manifest into pain in my body. I’m not joking. As I write this, I’ve fought something that I can’t resolve, and my left wrist is aching because I can’t find the solution or deal with the pain or resolve the complex, and the lack of resolution then goes back into my body and BOOM, aches, pains, and so on.

My goal is to be happy, fulfilled, and at peace. The resentment has to go for those things to happen. I would rather be happy, fulfilled, and at peace than resentful. But how do I stop the anger from coming up to begin with? How do I resolve the complex that’s allowing the anger to reside within me as resentment?

Dammit.

I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed, and Christ has not answered. So much for that route. I’ve begged my ancestors, the angels, the saints, and no one is helping. What the hell? *sighs* 

Stevo

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