The Rolling, Golden Cloud

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I get headaches quite a bit, a cycle that goes through every few days or weeks.

Sometimes, the headaches are obviously from stress- I stress out really easily, and my mind-body naturally overreacts. I’ve attempted to curve this nature, to mute it, to lull it, to bring peace instead of freak-outs, yet that seems to largely be an exercise in repression.

Yesterday, my husband I attended a funeral for the woman who was my grandmother-in-law; my mother-in-law’s mother, or more accurately, my stepmother-in-law’s mother.

I find it odd to be at a funeral for a person I had never met or known in life.

She sounded like a good woman, like she had lived a good life, and I’m glad for that. She was truly loved.

In the midst of it all, I didn’t maintain the kind of “awareness” that one should have at those times- I found it difficult to turn to Wisdom, and I mostly felt irritated and had a headache come on in the middle of the service.

Today, I’m at home, and I’ve had a good, long rest. I’m not sure what the mystics of yore would say- whether or not sleeping and dreaming have much to do with the spiritual life- but it is the processes of the dreams that I have found comfort and the ability to truly rest.

Today, even though I have a headache, I can slowly turn my awareness to the dazzling, golden cloud that’s bursting forth in my brain. It’s rolling and tumbling and full of all things. The Divine Spark.

I am surprised that it is there. I shouldn’t be, but the skeptical nature bred into in my teenaged years remains strong.

At long last, I’m beginning to understand what the Sufis mean by “remembering” and so on.

And it is true- the Lived Reality of God is nothing like what you might conceive. The Ladder of Being and Non-Being appears quite clearly- this magnificent golden cloud tossing and turning in my mind is only the bottom rung.

But by God, if people, if every man, woman, and child, could have this experience and live it constantly, the world would be healed, and the true purpose of mankind would unfold. The end of all our ills would happen, finally. We would be able to then cure all the physical ailments because our minds would seek out the answers fluidly and easily- the painstaking mental processes we go through now would be bolstered by Divine and Immediate intuition.

I have not made it here on my own. I have put forth effort, but the saints and the dead have prayed for me, my loved ones and friends in this world have prayed for me, and it is only through their prayers and my cooperation with the Grace God has offered me that I can even begin to have a tiny experience of the Good.

Now I pray, more fervently than ever, that I would be able to maintain this awareness- I pray for the infinite grace necessary to always remember the Christ-Sophia, in all moments, in every experience in life. The truth of pain and of luxury and of all the things we go through can only be known through this experience of perfect infinity.

My heart leaps gladly. May my temporal anger and fear be swallowed; may my appetites and passions that would hurt others be swallowed; may my life be surrendered to God Most High this day and always.

Amen.

The Little Office of the Blessed Sophia

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The Reverend Erik Winsor’s Little Office of the Blessed Sophia is now out.

I have my copy, and it’s amazing for all the Gnostics out there as well as devotees of Sophia in more mainstream paths.

Our Lady Sophia, pray for us!

Pax vobiscum.

Stevo

One Thing

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Michael Strojan wrote some things, as he’s wont to do.

Check it out. His blog caused controversy on Bro. Pier-Giorgio’s blog as well. Yay!

Dreams and Divination

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Yesterday, I considered my worldview, as I often do, and thought of my dreams and divination and so on.

Even if in the world there apparently seems to be no gods and goddess and so on that are sensible, I’m still drawn to things involving rite, ritual, and yes, divination.

For some people, they’re able to look at Tarot cards or the I Ching and immediately say, “That’s ridiculous, superstitious stuff, and I want no part of it.”

For me, I was *never* able to do that.

I could never convince myself that there was absolutely nothing to the Tarot or other methods of divination.

No, it doesn’t make sense in a kind of logical, scientific way.

However, a lack of an immediate explanation doesn’t mean that there is no explanation and that it doesn’t work at all.

Last night, I finished reading the His Dark Materials trilogy.

I think the conception of the aletheiometer was one of the best forms of divination I’ve ever seen. Gorgeous and wonderful, and I wish they were real and I could own one and use it.

Use it, I would.

I found the last book in the trilogy, The Amber Spyglass, to become tedious; the book should’ve been edited in several parts OR split into two books. It was just too long, and I didn’t have the same enthusiasm in reading it as I did with The Golden Compass and The Subtle Knife.

Last night, in my dreams, I dreamed that I had ordered an I Ching set, and also, by accident, an aletheiometer.

And later in my dreams, I was holding a guy I used to like, and he had a boyfriend, yet the guy and I were talking about how we mutually had crushes on each other, and I told him that if I were to take his boyfriend’s place, the feelings we had now would result in the same thing happening with him and another guy later on.

If they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you.

Make no mistake.

But the dream was a good one, if not a little odd since I’m married.

Later, the guy in question had the form of a cat, and I understood him to be my dæmon in the way Pantalaimon is Lyra’s dæmon in His Dark Materials.

When I awoke, in the subtle state between waking and sleeping, I suddenly KNEW things.

I knew that in times old, people lived closer to the dream-world, and that’s why images of gods in chariots and fires burning around them and angels and demons and such things made sense to them, because their minds were closer to the subconscious mind.

Now, in our world, we find these things odd and strange because most of us (okay, at least in the USA) live further away from the dreaming level of the mind. We like structured, conscious things that conform to our expected reality around us, and people shit unhappy easter eggs when this doesn’t happen. (The whole marriage equality debacle is a keen example- some people can’t get over the idea of the tuxedo-and-white-dress image, so they freak the fuck out.)

So, our mission, which is really the mission humanity has had from the beginning, is to bring the subconscious/unconscious mind (what I call the “dreaming mind”) into the conscious reality and to live it out.

That sounds like, “Oh, is THAT all?” type deal, yet the enormity of the whole process is incredible.

I awoke knowing that I could trust myself. The knowing may fade, but I knew that I could understand and make decisions and rely on the Dreaming Mind inside of me to make the best decisions and to not lead me astray. Perhaps this is what people mean when they refer to trusting in Jesus and so on.

The Mass understood from the Gnostic perspective at least refers to the Self and so on in a Jungian sense.

While I cannot testify that there is an objectively existing God, I can testify that there is, in fact, a Self, an unconscious level of us that’s confident and keen and to which we can turn and never have any fear.

The journey deepens, and I might have to make adjustments to my identification and so on as time goes by.

Such is the case for any mystic.

So here we go. Come, Dreaming Mind, come, and bring us what You Know.

I do wonder if the Dreaming Mind ultimately issues from matter, and not in the sense of dead material, but in the sense that perhaps the stuff of the cosmos is actually intelligent and *somehow* conscious.

Let’s see.

Stevo

A Poem to Sophia

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When I pass, sweetly

The Queen will call me home

To the Queen, I will go

I shall no longer roam

To the Queen, I will go

My spirit no longer to roam

When I’m gone, gladly

To the Queen of Stars I’ll go

And with the Queen, I will drink

Of the river Life’s flow

With the Queen, I will drink

Of the river of Life’s flow

When I die, gladly

I’ll go to Wisdom’s feet

I’ll sit there and speak 

of memories so sweet

I’ll sit there and speak

of memories so kind and sweet

Sophia

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Sophia is pounding in my spirit.

My heart is full.

There is nothing that is not Sophia.

She’s tricked the archons and the powers of this world, and She’s made fools of they who think they’re wise.

Sophia loved us before we were, and She’ll love us after we’re gone.

Only in this moment of Wisdom’s Love pouring through me do I see clearly.

I must decrease that She might increase.

We were made for Her.

We were made to be free.

Lion-Face must repent of his sins.

But if he doesn’t, Sophia will render him useless.

Watch your step, Lion-Face. You may rule our world, but Sophia is your Mother. From Her you came, and to Her shall you return.

Amen, and Amen.

May grace of the Christ and Sophia be upon us from the ages unto the ages.