I get headaches quite a bit, a cycle that goes through every few days or weeks.

Sometimes, the headaches are obviously from stress- I stress out really easily, and my mind-body naturally overreacts. I’ve attempted to curve this nature, to mute it, to lull it, to bring peace instead of freak-outs, yet that seems to largely be an exercise in repression.

Yesterday, my husband I attended a funeral for the woman who was my grandmother-in-law; my mother-in-law’s mother, or more accurately, my stepmother-in-law’s mother.

I find it odd to be at a funeral for a person I had never met or known in life.

She sounded like a good woman, like she had lived a good life, and I’m glad for that. She was truly loved.

In the midst of it all, I didn’t maintain the kind of “awareness” that one should have at those times- I found it difficult to turn to Wisdom, and I mostly felt irritated and had a headache come on in the middle of the service.

Today, I’m at home, and I’ve had a good, long rest. I’m not sure what the mystics of yore would say- whether or not sleeping and dreaming have much to do with the spiritual life- but it is the processes of the dreams that I have found comfort and the ability to truly rest.

Today, even though I have a headache, I can slowly turn my awareness to the dazzling, golden cloud that’s bursting forth in my brain. It’s rolling and tumbling and full of all things. The Divine Spark.

I am surprised that it is there. I shouldn’t be, but the skeptical nature bred into in my teenaged years remains strong.

At long last, I’m beginning to understand what the Sufis mean by “remembering” and so on.

And it is true- the Lived Reality of God is nothing like what you might conceive. The Ladder of Being and Non-Being appears quite clearly- this magnificent golden cloud tossing and turning in my mind is only the bottom rung.

But by God, if people, if every man, woman, and child, could have this experience and live it constantly, the world would be healed, and the true purpose of mankind would unfold. The end of all our ills would happen, finally. We would be able to then cure all the physical ailments because our minds would seek out the answers fluidly and easily- the painstaking mental processes we go through now would be bolstered by Divine and Immediate intuition.

I have not made it here on my own. I have put forth effort, but the saints and the dead have prayed for me, my loved ones and friends in this world have prayed for me, and it is only through their prayers and my cooperation with the Grace God has offered me that I can even begin to have a tiny experience of the Good.

Now I pray, more fervently than ever, that I would be able to maintain this awareness- I pray for the infinite grace necessary to always remember the Christ-Sophia, in all moments, in every experience in life. The truth of pain and of luxury and of all the things we go through can only be known through this experience of perfect infinity.

My heart leaps gladly. May my temporal anger and fear be swallowed; may my appetites and passions that would hurt others be swallowed; may my life be surrendered to God Most High this day and always.

Amen.

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