I thought I had updated more recently than this. It seems I have not.

A faint thought comes to me that perhaps I *have* updated but made a mistake in the process and deleted the blog.

I’m worried on some level but at peace on others.

In the beginning of January, after having celebrated the Christmas holidays and such, I had gotten out of the “rhythm” of praying the Little Office of the Blessed Sophia. I had every intention on any number of days to return to the “rhythm” of praying the LO to the best of my ability.

Then I spent a few hours watching TED Talks, which are sometimes highly informative and sometimes not, and I discovered one about meditation.

I was initially skeptical about the guy because he quoted some dubious researchers (Rupert Sheldrake comes to mind), and his arguments followed a kind of quasi-Intelligent Design format.

But when I did the meditation, I was shocked, floored, completely unprepared for suddenly tapping into some great, universal happiness that permeated everything.

The experience lasted for some time- even when I felt upset, angry, or whatever, I could remember that happiness and return to it.

And this then led me to wonder: were my mystical pursuits in Christianity then pointless? After all, the end goal would presumably be one of happiness and peace, would it not?

Isn’t that the reason we participate in the Holy Eucharist in the first place? To help along a process, a transformation, where we’re united with God or whatever terminology one might use?

So why would I bother continuing with Christianity, why even bother to pray, if I could instantly tap into That-Very-Thing without any kind of mediator whatsoever?

This effect lasted for something like two weeks- no, I wasn’t happy 100% of the time, but I was much calmer in my general life (I suffer from anxiety normally) and could just THINK about that happiness and get a boost.

I’m not sure when it faded, but during it, something did bother me- I’m not sure my third requirement, FULFILLMENT, was met. I was peaceful, I was happy, but I was not entirely fulfilled, but I also didn’t want to think too much into thisĀ at the time for fear that it was my ego trying to sabotage anything good.

I should explain: under normal situations, we see life as being Basically Sad, or at least I do. Life is Basically Loss, Sadness, Loneliness, Isolation, and so on.

In this experience, that wasn’t the case- Life was Basically Happy, with All Things being CONNECTED and SUSTAINED in a very gorgeous yet simple way.

I’m not entirely sure when this experience faded. My husband and I went to New Orleans a few weeks ago, and the experience maintained itself there, even when I had sleeplessness.

I do know that recently, one of the local churches remodeled, and I wasn’t impressed with what they had done- I can’t really tell what kind of real remodeling was done. But it isn’t my parish, so to speak; I’ve only attended Mass there a handful of times, and at the end of the day, I know myself to be Gnostic.

The great thing about Gnosticism is that one must begin as agnostic. I can handle that- I heavily identified as agnostic in high school. I’m perfectly okay with not knowing and testing and experiencing until I know.

So, this may be the end of the experience of mainstream Christianity for me. I would love to be in a situation where I could attend Mass consistently if not daily, but mainstream Christianity requires too much intellectual effort that could be spent elsewhere- Gnosticism seems far more plausible and self-evident.

It’s funny, A Red State Mystic was having a bout with the Episcopal Church, and now I am.

Oh, well. The Unitarian Universalist church that my husband attends (and I attend with him) may be a more conducive environment for causing an inner transformation as opposed to a mainstream Christian church, and I may just have to cope until God sees fit to have Gnostic churches locally available to me.

Strictly speaking, a church isn’t absolutely necessary- but it’s extremely, EXTREMELY helpful.

Perhaps at the end of the day, this is less about my stance on the mainstream churches and more about my own personal integrity- sure, I can identify as Episcopalian, but only to a certain extent. And honestly, the Episcopalians I’ve met, most of them being from the South, are all incredibly open-minded and kind-hearted.

At this point, though, I have to get my head on correctly before I proceed with any particular spiritual group or terminology. Or I may have to go speak to Buddha about things and see what his response is.

To be sure, nothing I ever said of blasphemy about the Christian idea of God ever came back to punish me; I made the mistake of saying something mouthy to Buddha once, and he punished me for ten years. It was only in retrospect that I realized what had happened, but yeah, Buddha heard me when I said negative things, so perhaps he’ll hear me when I say positive ones?

Then help me, Lord Buddha, to know what to do.