And Then I Yelled at the Top of My Lungs

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The past few days have been frustrating for me.

Especially today.

I awoke around 10 AM and got up to let the dogs out, and what did I encounter but a huge, steamy pile of doggie diarrhea. Okay, no biggie- but I haven’t had to clean up after my dogs in a while because they’re so well potty-trained at this point.

Well, actually, it is a big deal- I’m not a fan of touching poo, even when I’m not¬†directly touching it.

So I cleaned up the mess, let the dogs out, and went about my business.

I informed my husband of the situation, and then he, oddly, asked me to go to the doctor’s office with him. I knew better than to do because I knew what would happen- I would go, and the dog, whichever one of them it was, would have diarrhea AGAIN.

And that’s exactly what happened- even though I let them out before we went to the doctor, two hours later upon our return, there’s an even bigger diarrhea-y mess.

So I lost my fucking temper. I finally screamed and said I wished the fucking dogs would die. Anger took control of me because the stress was increasingly mounting, and my husband, while willing to clean up after the dogs, doesn’t get that you can’t just pick up shit and throw it away, that you have to wash the floor AND sterilize the fuck out of it.

And no amount of explanation will get this through to him.

Later, I calmed down, watching Game of Thrones, and then I went to do my ancestor ritual and meditation.

And guess what?

I walked into the living room, and there was more doggie diarrhea, and blood in it.

So I just did what I had to do, informed my husband that the dogs would have to go to the vet, and did my cleaning. And then that stopped up the toilet, and the plunger was no avail…

I guess I’m suffering for some karma from a past life. This past weekend was horrible with headaches, and today’s been more stressful than I care for. January wasn’t like this- it was new beginnings, new travels, new places, and the world seemed to be full of light and things seem to be great.

For all the messing with mysticism and Actual Freedom and so on that I’ve had, I’ll tell you what: it seems like it’s done very little to help when it ACTUALLY MATTERS.

I want to be happy; when the stress mounts in the way it does, it’s very difficult to get to happiness.

Because you see, the unpleasantness in situations isn’t something that is just there for a second and then gone- cheap things that make us unhappy can no doubt be remedied if that’s the situation.

In this case, the unpleasantness is something that is not only there but also begins to remind us that it’s there for ten minutes or so (the duration it takes to successfully clean up a doggie mess complete with sterilization and so on).

I don’t know, I think I react very strongly to things, much more strongly than other people react. My husband seemed to think the dogs pooing everywhere was a big joke and thought it was funny, and I’m sitting here horrified.

None of it seems very spiritual, you see- not my reaction, not the situation, and not anything in between. I don’t want to react in that kind of anger. I don’t want to have that kind of stress over something as mundane as a dog shitting.

But I do, and I can’t seem to stop it, even with a great deal of self-awareness. Trying to stop the anger feels akin to trying to bottle it up, and that’s also no good.



The Reluctant Christian and the Lone Wolf


My husband and I attend a Unitarian Universalist Church. If you’re interested in which one, I’ll post their website.

I don’t plan on becoming a UU even in light of the recent developments in my renouncing mainstream Christianity for (hopefully) the last time. I haven’t made any movements to officially move my church member records from the Episcopal Church, but when I become a member of a Gnostic Church, that will happen, and there my records will go, and there my records will stay.

To become UU would not solve the problem; to be a sort of nominal UU solves the problem because, as one teacher one said, it’s a good idea to find a group of like-minded individuals, or you’re going to have a hard time.

No, I don’t have to agree with the secular humanists or pagans or anyone else who attends the UU; rather, I can love them and have them love me in return and experience a profound level of community among fellow seekers. However, to declare myself one of them might actually compromise my integrity- I like them, I sympathize with them, but I am not, at heart, one of them, and to declare myself so would be compromise in what I actually want, but more so, what I actually¬†need.

I should point out that I will always, always, ALWAYS be fond of the time I spent at St. Michael’s Episcopal Church in Ozark, Alabama; I have nothing negative to say about my former priest or the parishioners there.

My issue is something I’ve highlighted before; where my spiritual quest, and where it’s going, is somewhere beyond the reach of where most people are currently. That isn’t to pat myself on the back, I’m just trying to explain that while I would recommend the Episcopal Church to anyone who is comfortable with mainstream Christianity as a sort of liberal alternative to Catholicism and so on, I can’t profess doctrines or uphold views that I have constantly qualify.

I’m more involved, along with my husband, at the UU Church than I’ve ever been in any other organization. But then, I realize, I’ve been attending there with him longer than I’ve been attending the Episcopal Church, at least at THIS point.

The other night at the Humanism Class, in context of the discussion, I referred to myself as a “Reluctant Christian.”

I’m reluctant for many reasons, not the least of which is the extremely ridiculous history of mainstream Christianity; I feel like I’m trying to salvage diamonds out of shit at times.

Yet the diamonds in question are often worth the battle.

My home state of Alabama recently had Marriage Equality push forward. Naturally, the bigots in the state have fought and fought and fought the Marriage Equality ruling, and the self-styled Real, True Christians are commenting profusely online.

The usual comments are people slinging Bible verses everywhere or saying God defined marriage as between one man and one woman, and I just have to roll my eyes…or troll the people, depending on how I feel.

Because seriously, I don’t know who decided that firing off Bible verses would convince anyone, but it doesn’t. Ever. If anything, people get tired of seeing Bible verses that are taken out of context and don’t hold any authority over them anyway- the Dead Letter of the Scriptures cannot save us and has never saved us.

And like, if this is the way Christians behave, who the hell wants to be a Christian? I’m thoroughly confused about what’s appealing in mainstream Christianity, and the promise that I won’t burn forever in some hypothetical and probably derived-from-bad-theological-readings Hell isn’t really enough of a motivation.

I finally gave up fighting the heresy label. I just don’t fucking care anymore- by God, I’m a heretic, and I’m proud of being a heretic if it means I don’t get lumped in with all those blithering idiots out that follow the American Bible Religion.

The question is, why even bother with Christianity at all? But yes. There are good things there, even if the good things are in the minority. I need the potency of the Holy Eucharist; I need my prayer beads and my crucifixes and my iconography; I need my Scriptures talking about Sophia’s repentances. Because then my spirit is quiet, and I can slowly fall in love with God again and again, each time the same and yet different, each time a stillness and a movement.

Since I’m probably effectively the only Gnostic Christian at the UU Fellowship, I like to think of myself as the “Lone Wolf.” Yeah. I like that title. Makes me feel special.

My heart does go out to Alabama and to the many, MANY couples there who now have the right to marry but are facing bigots who tell them they can’t, and moreover, the many bigots who seem to be under the erroneous impression that their own point of view is the dominant one.

Judge Roy Moore is an embarrassment. They kicked him out of one time for doing something similar, and people mocked me for being from Alabama and asked if Roy Moore thought he was the Second Coming of Jesus.

Not only is he an embarrassment, he unfortunately reinforces the stereotypes about Alabama AND mainstream Christianity. His attitude is exactly the sort of thing that holds society back and causes the anti-theists to have a field day mocking all religion. Good grief.

I wish I could be charitable; in reality, no matter the injustice, these are just the death cries. Come the summer, the Supreme Court of the USA will rule in favor of Marriage Equality, the idiocy will have to completely stop then, and that aspect of the battle will be done. Non-discrimination policies are a different thing, though.

Intense but Brief Experience

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Today, while listening to music, I had one of those mystical experiences that’s hard to put into words.

It was like I was suddenly not here, like I didn’t exist, except everything kept going on- it was facilitated by a huge sense of awe, and afterward, there was a very clear and almost painful sort of “POP” around my chest, beneath the heart chakra.

As usual, it didn’t last- I came out of the experience, and life continued as normal.

Somewhere, I’m become braver. Somehow, I’m tapping into the Shadow and facing my own anger by not focusing it on myself- and not buying any idiotic teachings that I should just be demure and kind because those are ZOMG the best things ever.

I’m a reasonable person- I know how to channel and focus my anger for the forces of good and at what point I cross a line. It’s ridiculous to think that I would somehow just lose control and not know where the line is.

This is exactly the sort of tactic that bigots have used for probably the entirety of human history- throw it out there, make the oppressed think they’re in the wrong, when the bigots have literally zero fucking interest in equality and peace for anyone- they’re not acting out of principles or dedication to anything beyond their own ego.

So, fuck them.


Memories of Sufi Love and Jesus

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Now I’m beginning to slowly remember some of the love I had for Jesus, back in my days of identifying somewhere between Sufism and Gnosticism.

The reality is that somewhere along the line, I got caught up in too many other things. The reality is that, as I listen to music from 2011 released during Lent (Lady Gaga’s album “Born This Way”), I can feel my heart’s memory pounding and pumping through me, the adoration I gave to the suffering Christ all the way through and because of His very Being, and not because of all the ridiculous politics surrounding His alleged followers.

My openly declaring myself a heretic has gone well, and I’m happy and feel free to seek God in all things, in all places now. Maybe “God” isn’t the best word to use; the Divine? Life? Ultimate Reality? I’m not sure.

Maybe my own ego complicated everything.

But something else also happened when I turned 29- I said that I would give everyone a year of fair warning and that once I turned 30, I was DONE with the bullshit- other people’s bullshit, my bullshit, all the bullshit. Age 30 is way too old to not be honest, authentic, and to the point. I’ve lived my life in a weird place of being afraid to speak out because I didn’t want to cause waves, but here’s the thing…

…maybe speaking out gives other people a sense of solidarity and hope- a sense of ability to relate to me- a sense of happiness, peace, and alleviation of suffering. My silence has been for the sake of the people who might be hurt that I disagreed with them, who might not like me, who might not accept what I had to say.

But the reality is that after 30, I simply won’t have the room to care; after I turn 30, it’s a matter of “this is the way it is, and I’m open to reflective thoughts and insight from different angles, but I’m not open to bullshit just because it makes you comfortable.”

To be a good human, life demands of us integrity, honesty, openness, consistency, consideration, and reflection, not silence that masquerades as holiness because we are, in fact, despondent and afraid.

And I fear that’s where I’ve been.

The “Satan” experience returned recently. I’m not sure what to make of it, or of my Shadow, or of what’s going on here. I can seem to hone in on him- but I can’t dialog or relate to him very well. The internet was no help because all the exercises in relating to the Shadow lacked any kind of ritual or specificity- they seemed vague and seemed more focused on the traits rather than the being itself.

One thing is for sure, the Shadow isn’t the same in everyone- I guess some people just lack things that other people have.

In other news, Alabama, my home state, moved forward in marriage equality. I only commented on forums a few times, and I didn’t attack anyone, but I did make my voice known in the midst of the bigotry.

In fact, part of the reason I openly declare myself and own the title “heretic” is because I’m not playing the “game” anymore of identifying with idiot “Christians” and lumping myself with them and trying to defend the like 5% of people who get it. And it’s not because they agree with me that they get it, it’s because those people actually end up touching some powerful and deeper Reality, and the rest of the people just waste everyone’s time including their own by quoting endless streams of Bible verses at people.

The thing is, I don’t see the appeal in it- those people, those self-styled “Christians” have nothing appealing about their religion. It looks boring, stuffy, hateful, and anti-intellectual. Why in the hell would anyone in their right mind want to be part of that?

I remember what Evangelical Christians were like when I was young- basically, anything cool, interesting, fun, or novel, or, God forbid, sexual, was considered EVIL and of the DEVIL.

And it was idiotic. And I get that now.

Also, the people who propose that particular world view are not really the sort of people I would WANT to spend eternity around if they aren’t going to be changed too terribly much. Yes, I would rather go to Hell and burn forever than be around the bigots in this life that turned me off Jesus’s people as a whole.

Another thing is that pretty much all the people who are slated to go to Hell according to the self-styled Real, True Christians are the people that are most worthwhile in my life.

But it’s their Hell, so I say, let them burn in it. Not a charitable or Christ-like attitude, but at least I’m fucking honest, HAH.