Several weeks ago, I took it upon myself to begin doing chakra meditations.

Somewhere in the second chakra area, during the third or fourth week, I think, I ended up encountering an archetype of myself, or at least an image of my younger self.

Somehow, I was able to partially comfort him; he seemed to be composed of raw anxiety. This was the first time I had felt an extreme sense of love for myself, yet this was myself-in-the-past, likely an image I maintain of myself unconsciously.

Sometimes, I do seem to be going all helter-skelter with things, and that’s probably not good. It’s difficult to form permanent habits, and sometimes other options look easy or more alluring than whatever meditation I’m currently doing.

Another thing that bothers me is my wondering what is ego and what is not. The issue is that it’s almost impossible to fully recognize what is an ego or instinct-driven aspect of one’s self and what is something authentically reasonable because how deep the ego-instincts run.

Another thing: the instincts we have are far, far more powerful than some might want to admit. A lot of the wrong-doing and evil in the world erupts from the fact that the instincts are more powerful than us and that we basically are objects upon which certain aspects of the mind happens.

I find the model of psychological conditioning to be very difficult to grasp. This perspective would see us as all as universally responding to conditioning the same way; this isn’t the case, obviously. The question is why some things “take” on us and others don’t.

Soon, I’ll have to radically alter my life in a few ways. Getting online is too easy, and getting sucked into the online world is equally too easy.

And I also seem to have a sort of wishy-washy attitude about so many things. It’s not that I don’t truly think one way or another; I think it’s more that sometimes I see equally appealing positions that are mutually exclusive in terms of reason.

However, at the end of the day, the only satisfying answer is one that I can give from my own experience. I have no reason to doubt this or that person that coffee tastes good, yet until I taste coffee, I can’t verify with absolute certainty that this is the case. (I do enjoy coffee, as a side note.)

Soon, I’ll be having some tooth extractions, and I’ll be going under anesthesia. From what I understand, it’s like being out for a second and then coming to- one loses time, as it were. This may radically change my idea of consciousness and life after death. I could be wrong; some people have OBEs under anesthesia. Maybe I will, too.

Steve