In another entry, I think I mentioned how every person I’ve ever idealized or placed upon a pedestal had been knocked down. That process, whatever it may be, is accelerating at this point.

Whatever kind of unconscious pedestal upon which the ego stands seems like it, too, may be cracking and tremblng.

The “smashing of the pedestals” isn’t so much a matter of me thinking myself greater than others; rather, it’s a destruction of the impossible idealization of other people, a self-created illusion of their alleged superiority. This is destroyed, the people’s humanity is revealed to me, but now I’m able to accept that.

My past relationships that failed now seem clear: two people who idealize each other suddenly have their illusions shattered, so the pedestals crash down simultaneously, and everyone is hurt and disappointed.

So the pain of past break-ups has ultimately been more about losing that idealized version of the person and not about losing the person in question- the illusion couldn’t be sustained.

The past couple of days, I’ve had a migraine. I offered the pain to “mystical unite” with Christ. It’s the most I could do. Yes, I was still uncomfortable and wanted out of the pain, but I think that helped somewhere.

I’ve been profoundly aware of the divine the past two days; the awareness of the Divine is that sense of connection with the particular season. I can definitely expeience “autumn” internally at this point; I’m not completely separate from the rest of Creation, as it were.

More than this, today the reality of “Impermanence” also descended upon me. Attachment to the particular forms of things will always cause us pain because these things, by their nature, change. Nostalgia isn’t bad, necessarily; one can fondly recall the past and good experiences thereof, but there is an element of illusion there as well as the experience in the moment is likely not nearly as grand as one recalls it.

But the point is, God alone is the center of all things where there is PERMANENCE; all the forms of this world, all the movements, all the energy and actions, are destined to collapse and pass away by the nature impermanence. The sooner this is understood on the level of the Soul, the  sooner this is accepted, the easier things become.

This also brings a different enjoyment- Impermanence means that “all things are made new” in each moment. Yes, things change, but that changes promises something NEW.

The trouble for many people, including myself, is that we’re caught in the world of understanding Impermanence but not being completely united with the Permanent; and this is terrifying.

I’m continuing to pray the Spiritual Act of Communion along with several Marian prayers when I’m up to it.  Praying the rosary as the hurricane began to arrive was definitely a powerful experience. I can only pray now that a church where I can properly receive the Holy Eucharist will appear near me.

S.

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