A Wordy Rant and Emotional Revelations Within; Read at Your Own Risk

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An emotional pattern is rising to the surface. I’m not sure I can totally categorize what this complex pattern of thoughts and feelings looks like, but I will try my best.


I’ve been meaning to write this entry for almost a week now, while the feelings and happenings are still fresh on my mind. God willing, I will be able to take the pain and go from there.


Let us begin.


Part of my social anxiety- not all of it, but part of it- stems from my fear of confrontation with other people. Just thinking about having an argument or someone getting angry with me causes my adrenal to rush. I don’t want to do or say anything that will invoke someone else’s harshness to come down on me.


In my life, avoiding conflict has become almost an art. I can’t handle rejection- of any kind- very well.


Low self-esteem can do that.


But yes, arguments, fights, being attacked and feeling defenseless in that attack, is one of the sources of my social anxiety. This much I know.


This ties in, of course, with the fear of public humiliation.


The majority of confrontations in my life have resulted in my feeling guilty, with my being the one who is first to say that I am sorry, with my being the one to swallow my pride, no matter how right I was, and to give in to the other person so that they won’t be angry at me. I am also talented at bringing comfort to people by doing this, and it has been very rare that anyone has apologized to me.


For that reason, when someone sincerely apologizes to me, I appreciate their apology more than a starving man would appreciate bread. I appreciate that someone can see that they have hurt me or done me wrong.


The emotional pattern that happened recently was a miniature reflection of a much large, on-going process with one of my friends while also being the latest in my own series of emotional hits. It goes something like this:


I meet someone, and there are fond feelings there. Shallow or deep, this doesn’t matter; the feeling of comfort and the belief that the person is somehow and somewhere good is there.


A disagreement or misunderstand, whether large or small, occurs. The person in question goes on to not only disagree or misunderstand me, but then turns on me, becoming hateful, spiteful, and spinning his own web of lies and deceit in which I am then caught.


Before I can defend myself, before I can realize what’s happened, the person has taken up his stance as Judge, Jury, and Executioner; he strikes at me with false accusations that, when reason is applied, are obviously false, but in the heat of the moment bring up rejection after rejection in my life, and I am forever cast out of his life, no matter my relative level of importance to him.


At this point, while still believing his attacks on me, I break down, crying.


Then I go around, trying to make atonement for the sins I’ve committed- to other people. It’s as though part of me believes that my expressing my love and gratitude for other people, I will be able to garner a larger army, a larger defense on my side.


So, maybe a good does come out of it. After all, expressing appreciation and gratitude for others is good, and I mostly just assume that they understand by my actions that I care about them.


Then I start feeling guilty about hating the person in question, and I basically beat myself up for not being spiritually advanced enough.


This past time, I saw that all these feelings of self-doubt and lack of self-worth and such are preventing me from being close to anyone in a relationship type sense. I had previously not seen this, but the pain I felt when an almost perfect stranger and a completely perfect asshole attacked me, rejected me, and left me to shake with my own tears seemed to be there.


It is worse when the people you have known or thought you knew turn on you in this way, yet a perfect stranger reduced me to tears.


The night before this happened, a intriguing thought appeared, going back to my youth: why did I believe things people said about me? Why? Why would I automatically believe that if someone said something, good or bad, that it was true?


Why did it never occur to me that other people may actually do things that I don’t do- like say nasty things to hurt me, to harm me, because they are jealous of me? Because they really do see something in me that they don’t have, or they really do assume something’s happening in my life that isn’t in theirs?

And all this time, I believed people said mean things to me and attacked me because somewhere, I deserved it or really wasn’t good; I believed they were simply telling me the truth.


But what happened to me to keep me from thinking for myself about myself? Why is my self-esteem so low?


Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee says that the Teacher can see what these things really mean. However, I do not formally have a guru or teacher, and therefore, I can’t say that my low self-esteem has ever done anything except make me suffer.


People are often surprised that I’m not always passive. I am passive a good bit of the time, not making waves, being a good little boy from a culture long since dead and faraway, but when has this benefited anyone? I do have my opinions, but when out in public, when around other people, when people do and say things with which I disagree, I simply smile and nod, not agreeing internally but politely just hearing them out.


Please don’t be mistaken, dear reader; I’m not saying that I think less of or look down on the people who have differing opinions. My concern is not what people opine but how they go about it. I have had some of the most fascinating conversations with people who don’t have antagonistic opinions or experiences, just different ones, and that, that is the stuff with which this life is spiced.


People say things about me that are misunderstandings of me. I have been accused more than once in my life of being “stuck-up.” The latest rendition is someone using the exact word “snotty” and telling me that I was trying with all my effort to make myself feel better than he.


But I’m not stuck-up, or at least I don’t think I am; being polite and reserved in social situations doesn’t mean I think I’m better than anyone. What it does mean is that I respect everyone enough to act in a way that shows I care about them, even if just a little. Being able to conduct one’s self does not mean one thinks one is better.


Yes, I may be, in some ways, more educated and more cultured than other people, but those other people are still people, still my fellow humans, and even if they don’t have opinions or perspectives that are as well-reasoned as mine, they still have their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences to share, and many times, it’s simply a matter of giving a person a chance to share herself.


Or maybe there is a Shadow side to all this where I really do believe that I’m better than other people, and I simply have been too stupid to see it.

I do think other people give me more credit for intelligence than I deserve. I hear person after person say that I’m intelligent, yet I can see exactly how much I don’t know, I fear that I haven’t learned nearly enough in any field or subject or begun to climb to the ranks of mastering anything, and I’m almost 27 years old- an age that, as a teenager, I believed would see me involved in the world in a professional manner, doing the things I wanted to do, and so on.


But here I sit, in my childhood home, with the issues that have plagued me from my childhood.


Part of me understands what has to happen- the taking of revenge was the cracking open, the knocking down the wall between my ego and my shadow, the dichotomy no longer a clear dichotomy. I have avoided sinning, I have avoided doing things I believed unethical for fear of what might happen to me.


But then, if you see the problem with that, that’s the only reason I haven’t done these things in the past- the fear that karma or God or something would punish me for revenging myself.


However, if the same Principle of our world allows a person to hurt me in the first place, I think that the Principle should all me to defend myself. I don’t care anymore- I’m not going to sit down and take things.


If that requires me to sin, so be it. The reality is that society counts me as a sinner anyway, and I wonder if the concept that being gay may indeed be a sin may have kept me from actually being intimate in my lifetime to the extent that it has.


But no more. Down with that world, down with that world view; down with the world view that I’ve had for so long.


This view includes this feeling I’ve had that “other people seem to have this idea of what’s going on, and I’m totally lost; it’s like this big joke that I’m not in on.”


But that, my friends, my dear, dear readers, is incorrect; there are far, far too many people I have met during my short life that actually don’t get it whatsoever; they aren’t “in” in something that I’m not, I’m just seeing the idiocy that runs rampant, seeing things too clearly, and I’m confused about why other people are not seeing it.


Maybe I was not born with a strong will and the ability to not have my feelings hurt and the power to just blaze through whatever troubles come my way as some people seem to have been. (We’ve all met such people.) But I wish it were that way.

In the argument last Friday, I was told point-blank that I was not worth knowing, that the person in question had no desire to know me. But that was also a misunderstanding; he doesn’t know me, so his desire is ill-placed.


Today, I prayed for something that I dare not pray for. I whispered a prayer for something that seems to be like a cheating of everything I’ve ever done, something that seems to be the utmost of selfishness: I prayed for happiness, to be happy.


Everything in my life has been oriented in such a way that I think I must have something to be happy- I must be in love, I must feel love, I must suffer first, I must earn my happiness, I must accomplish x, y, and z to be happy, and so on.


But to pray directly for my own happiness had never occurred to me. I felt happiness in my heart, that glowing brightness in the upper part of my chest, the sense that everything is going to be okay, that sense that all the arguments and all the ideas and all the problems don’t matter when you’re already happy. Being with someone, not being with someone, being religious, not being religious; none of this matters when you yourself are happy.


The happiness wasn’t laced with the poisoned clouds on the horizon of “happy medication,” where one’s problems and darkness still loom, where they’re only held off by medicine that will eventually fade and hurl you into the storm again. The happiness instead was the bright sword of Christ, born happily, a claiming of the birthright of each and every human being.


But I have been taught that for me to be happy while another suffers is actually selfish. That doesn’t make sense, though, because it would be almost impossible (save for a miracle) for everyone to become happy at the same time.


So instead, I would say that happiness of one’s self must be filled, filled, and filled again until it spills over and helps everyone that you know.


I also realized that praying for my own happiness was a change in me, a signal that I wanted to show love to myself. This is a brave, new world, a world in which I will know what it means to love myself.


And really, what sense does it make to care what other people think, especially strangers? They don’t know me like I know me; I won’t apologize for the virtues I have, I will not allow my vices to hurt anyone else, so what the bloody Barbara Streisand tampon fuck has the problem been all this time?

More reflections coming soon!



Back to Square One

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Author’s Note: I wrote this almost a month ago, so this is not my current state of mind.

So it happens again- a cycle that makes absolutely no sense, a cycle that happens again and again. No matter how hard I try, sometimes I find myself back at Square One.

Fucking Square One.

What psychologists and mystics alike have failed to address is something that is very, very important, and here I’m going to address that:

Just because you are aware of how you are reacting, just because you’re aware that your reaction to something is irrational- it does not STOP YOU FROM REACTING IN THAT WAY.

Emotional reactions are oftentimes automatic. With some things, we can easily talk sense into ourselves- someone cuts us off in traffic or drives on our tail, then we can reason out that maybe it’s a little irritating, but it isn’t really a huge deal after all is said and done, and we can get on with our lives.

But what about things such as phobias? What about fear of rejection? The slightest thing happens, and before you know it, you’re completely swept away in it.

My problem right now, my beef, is that I have no one to whom I can 100% honestly vent, and I realize I’ve never had that, and likely never will. I can’t even honestly vent online because of the fact that my identity is exposed here- the fact that someone, somewhere can identify me, the fact that people who know who I am have already happened upon me here and know that it’s me, me, typing these things.

The worst thing is that now, I can see the rise and fall of the energy patterns within myself and others. What I mean to say is that I can see how people “link up” energetically at times, I can see how it creates a sort of net, I can see what exactly happens with the rising and falling of the energetic tides, and hell, I’ve seen my own emotions and thoughts affecting other people.

One problem is that I always second-guess myself, and that’s because I have to second-guess myself. I try my hardest not to be arrogant- meaning that I accept the smugness and superiority for what they are, and then I go on with my life instead of thinking that I actually have everything figured out.

The problem now is that even people joking with me can still upset me. I know they’re joking. I know they don’t mean what they’re saying. But it still HURTS- and I can’t express that truth, I can’t express that what they’re saying is upsetting me, because I’ll be met with attacks that I’m taking things too seriously or that I should lighten up or that I’m just being immature.

But that doesn’t take away from me the feeling that I’m going to cry, does it?

I don’t think people realize that when they pick on other people, when they make fun of them, that it’s like launching energetic bullets at them. It’s a terrible thing, to be pelted with energetic hits like that.

I don’t like crying, especially not out of people having picked on me and not really being serious.

Sometimes, I’m able to shake my moods and go on with life, but before I know it, the bad mood returns. I don’t mean to say that I’m repressing my feelings- I do accept that I feel a certain way, and the I try to understand it. I try to understand the underlying cause. I try to understand the very mechanism that’s making me feel a certain way. There are times when I arrive at great epiphanies in doing this, and then there are times when absolutely nothing comes of it- when there is no particular reason that I feel a certain way, or at best, it’s a vague emotional impression that refuses to manifest itself in an intelligible manner.

I’m not trained well enough at this point to be able to work with the vague emotional impressions, as you might be able to tell.

In the end, I understand that this is all the ego-suffering, I understand that these experiences are likely projections, I understand all that, but that doesn’t take away the suffering. It doesn’t lessen it. I still hurt, and *I* still exist.

What to do?

I can only pray that God will speed me along the Path, that I will arrive at His Throne sooner than later.

Writing helps. This is literally helping to balance my mind. Of course, there’s always still a fear about “expressing emotions” that was conditioned into me by the Actual Freedom Trust, those fuckers, so I fear writing them online. I fear these things, even though I shouldn’t be afraid. Sometimes expressing an emotion is the right thing to do, and sometimes holding back is the right thing, and perhaps the best thing is to actually experience the emotion and sit with it, embracing it, accepting it, while not acting it out.

More ramblings to come.




A Piece of the Puzzle

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It seems to me that every religion and spiritual path through which I’ve journeyed has inevitably carried a clue or piece of the great puzzle to overall life, and it is on this foundation that I see how my life is carried forward in the experience of the Divine.

Fundamentalist Christianity showed me first the dark side of the religion- people could easily be deluded while meaning well, people who were corrupted on one level might well be loving on another level and so on.

Paganism and Wicca showed me the virtue of ritual, symbolism, and a deep, profound love for nature and material reality- that life is something to be celebrated, that there is a cycle to everything, and that when we live in tune with the cycle, we come to a deeper harmony in ourselves. Paganism taught me that the Divine is immanent and not exclusively transcendent, and that we are capable of encountering the Divine within nature and also of using magic, of being able to cause things to happen around us without directly physically touching them with our body.

Hinduism and Buddhism taught me that reality can be broken down into philosophical abstractions, that meditation and concentrating the mind can lead to a deeper clarity of things, that insight can come from a direct experience and not simply from blind belief.

Various schools of philosophy, notably Existentialism, taught me again about the wonder of reality, but from an intellectual angle as opposed to a feeling angle (which is likely more of the Pagan influence.) I have been able to greater accept my own existence, my personality, and a search for a place in the world and how everything fits together in intellectual terms.

Sufism brought back to me the Love of God, the ease and simplicity of spirituality, how things need not be complicated and that an elaborate ritual is not necessary for everything. Sufism brought me to the true art of Zen “being in the moment,” and Sufism taught me to honor Beauty, Love, and Truth as a Holy Trinity.

Finally, Gnosticism and Catholicism have taught me again that the truth of everything can be found in Christianity, in my own backyard, in my own garden, right in front of me. The symbols, memes, and meanings inherent in Christianity that are beyond the grasp of the established orthodoxy are understood by the enlightened man. Everything makes sense now; everything lines up in a way that it did not before.

I do wonder sometimes if I’m forcing a paradigm of reality that isn’t actually real, but here again, that is the difference between the Finger and the Moon at which the Finger points. What many people fail to realize is one still needs the Finger to find the Moon in the first place- I think many people miss that part. There is a time for practices and prayers, and there is a time when they are no longer necessary.

But the question is this: is my consistent pursuit through a specific tradition a force-fitting of reality into a paradigm that isn’t necessary, or is the reflection of an honest and heart-felt seeking? The truth is that sometimes, I simply don’t have the same regards for Christianity. I already understand it all in mystical terms and in archetypal terms, and thus I am likely outside the realm of mainstream Christians; I’m not opposed to that fact, in all reality, I’m not one to want to be lumped in with the nutters of any religion.

I could write more, but I think I have spoken enough for tonight.


A Rant on Many Things


If you venture into the Catholics Answers Forum on catholic.com, you’ll see people who talk about the “stereotypes” of Catholicism and how they’re wrong and so on.

I, too, defend Catholicism quite often, most often from strange Protestant attacks on Catholicism.

But one stereotype that’s interesting had to do with guilt.

Now, you have to remember- this isn’t true for EVERY CATHOLIC- no stereotype is true for EVERYONE in a particular group.

I recently read an excerpt from St. Augustine’s Confessions and was absolutely appalled to see the list of things he mentioned were sins.

Apparently, ANXIETY is a sin- it falls into the category of “distrust.”

In other words, if you experience anxiety, it means you don’t believe in God enough.

I felt guilt pouring into me just reading the list.

So St. Augustine definitely had issues with guilt.

However, I don’t really and truly care for St. Augustine for many reasons- he’s literally one of the biggest hypocrites that has ever existed in the history of the world. While he isn’t without his merit, I always remember his famous statement, “Lord, give me chastity, but not yet.”

St. Augustine makes me angry for that very reason. He is the epitome of Christian hypocrisy and what I see happen so often in the religious world- Christians who go live half their lives in so-called sin, doing whatever the hell they please, then having a conversion experience (which incidentally almost always lines up at the point in their life when their body is just too old to handle copious amounts of drugs, alcohol, loud music, partying, and sexuality), and THEN proceed to condemn people who are doing the exact same things they were just doing when they were younger.

I really want to blow a gasket when I see that happen.

St. Augustine argues using a lot of faulty presuppositions, and I think that’s where his ideas in general fall apart. Not all of them are terrible, but, as with anything, they shouldn’t be taken as absolutes, rather as outlines.

I find it interesting to see Christians invoke the “you’re just moral relativists” clauses when anyone challenges Christian morality while themselves being “morally relativist” when it comes to inconvenient things mentioned in Christianity such as helping the poor, taking care of the sick, stoning people who eat shrimp, and throwing women on the rag outside of the city for a week.

I mean, seriously, folks- come ON. It’s not about being a moral relativist- you can apprehend what morals make sense and which ones don’t. Obviously gay buttsex does not cause Yahweh to rain fire on people on a habitual basis, and stoning a woman who has committed adultery is just ridiculous, much less suggesting that she has to stay outside of the city while on her period.

Christianity, along with most religions, “cherry picks” from the very beginning.

But no one bothers to point out that maybe the reason people “cherry pick” is because they’re trying to make sense of things- and some ideas proscribed in the Hebrew Bible are nonsensical.

I find it strange, too, that so many ignorant Christians are quick to condemn Muslims and point out horrible things about the Koran while conveniently ignoring the Hebrew Bible. There are some PRETTY TERRIBLE THINGS IN THERE.

Again, I invoke the Gnostic approach of allegorical interpretation as the proper mode of understanding. Otherwise, we’re left with a great deal of nonsense mixed into a bit of history and a few wise sayings that quickly falls out of relevance in the modern world and produces nut-jobs that cause heavy devastation to people who are decent and actually interested in the depths of spirituality.

Going back to the original subject, I think many Catholics would stand to argue that yes, indeed, Catholicism breeds a hell of a lot guilt into an individual.

Guilt is a method of control, people. That’s the whole reason it’s a bad thing. I’m not saying guilt is never a necessary response of a person- indeed, someone who has a true moral failing may feel guilty, and the decent among us probably bear more guilt than we should- but creating guilt where it should not be and would not naturally occur is the real problem here.

Anyway, Catholicism has at least made an attempt to move forward regarding gay people. Many Catholics have no problem with gays, and many Catholics are gay- I mean the number of gay Catholics is absolutely ridiculous.

But where it’s stopped is at the relabeling “sodomites” as individuals who experience “SSA.” SSA means “Same Sex Attraction.” It’s a step in the right direction- but the tone is still one of condemnation, and ultimately gay people are disparaged because the only right and holy sex is when a man and a woman are in the missionary position and trying to make babies. Any other kind of sex, and any kind of contraception, is 100% horrible and evil and wrong- summarily, having sex for pleasure is BAD.

But that doesn’t make any sense. Using an individual, having sex with someone only for your own pleasure, leading them on and telling them that you care about them when you only want their body and have no intentions to be faithful to them after using their body- this is wrong, because it involves deceit, manipulation, and emotional abuse. You willingly and willfully hurt another human being.

Two people who are a couple aren’t doing that. They’re together because they care about each other, because they want to build a life together, because they want to experience the world in a united way. The sexuality is a nice part, an important part of a relationship, but it isn’t everything, and most people with half a brain are aware of that.

As I often say, it isn’t rocket science.

To say that if they have sex for the pleasure thereof (because it’s a natural by-product of their mutual attraction and consent with one another ) that it’s a sin is not a negotiable idea here- it’s not worthy of consideration- it’s just stupidity in the works.

Concisely, no one thrusts their hips in bed screaming, “PRAISE GOD, PRAISE GOD, WE’RE MAKING A BABY, PRAISE GOD, PRAISE GOD!” and anyone who thinks that’s actually what goes on is deceiving himself about reality.

Just some thoughts. Venting done.


Jesus Says the Darnedest Things

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Sometimes, I really think that the Lord Christ was absolutely out of His Holy Mind when He said things.

Consider that He said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.”

True, but the Almighty might not understand what it’s like for people to sleep with all their dirty laundry exposed and airing, either.

If Jesus could see what it’s like to live in a house where no one has any privacy in 21st century America, he might think that divisions are a really good idea.