A (Long Overdue) Response to A Red State Mystic

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Well, a while back, A Red State Mystic, who happens to be an excellent blogger and Anglo-Catholic mystic with refreshing perspectives on spirituality and a sharp intellect to boot, asked a question about something I had posted on here.

The question had to do with something I said about how God ultimately is the one to take things from us.

In the end, our vices, our shortcomings, our failures, and so on- these are taken by God. It isn’t that we can’t, in the mean time, try to curb our wrongdoings and vices, but the actual DRIVE that cause us to want to do those things is taken by God. That’s how it works. God rips it out of us, and it’s no longer there.

Our own efforts, in the end, count for very little.

In the actual Christian theology, this may seem to violate the concept of free will, but the free will part comes in where we allow God to take from us the vices and problems and darkness. So we still participate, but we aren’t the ultimate captains of the ship, as it were.

I’m tired, it’s late, and I almost just typed, “I’m late, it’s tired,” so I can’t continue with this blog. But know that ultimately God is the one working on us.

Beaux


Derealization

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When things stop seeming so real, life is much easier to deal with.

I’m still going through a lot of depression, and it’ll be like that for a few minutes, then suddenly be gone, and I’ll feel confident and capable. This is a rapid-cycle spiral of some sort, and I have no idea in what it’s going to end. Hopefully it leads to Nirvana.

Reading Jean-Paul Sartre and reading up on Ramakrishna

Beaux


Family War

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Last night and today, the Great War between my mother and I finally ended in an explosive, honest confrontation that pulled out the real issues.

There’s way too much to document here, but I am completely aware now that humans so often misunderstand one another that terrible things happen all the time.

At the same time as I endured this, my friend Kelly also went through a trouble time, only with her daughter. I can only say that it must be a time for honesty and reality to come through.

My mother found so many of the things that I thought about her to be strange; like she couldn’t believe that I would have ever thought those things about her and so on. It’s strange to see everything out in the truth, to have all these years of unspoken resentment and bitterness spewed out and worked through.

Today, I did something that I am relatively good at doing. I managed to find the summary and explain what the actual problem of the situation was: my mother knows something is wrong with me, but with her level of awareness and understanding, she can’t begin to name the problem, and furthermore, she is absolutely unable to give me the answer and solution to my problem, and that puts her in a place where she feels compromised as a parent.

But the further issue is that I myself am aware of the problem without knowing exactly how to name it.

For a long time, I know I’ve suffered from anxiety, depression, and (repressed) rage. These are all normal human emotions within a certain continuum, but whatever’s going on with me seems to be incredibly potent and more consistent than for a lot of people.

What I’m seeing now is something I hadn’t really seen before- the social anxiety, the depression, all these things, are only epiphenomena of something much deeper that’s going on. Since it’s all been happening since before I really cracked down on the mysticism, I can only wonder what the source of it is.

God willing, I will discover the reality of it, and I pray that I’ll heal myself so that I can heal the world. No human should have to endure this, and I pray that for others, it is easier than it is for me. Others have had it worse than I, that’s true, but this is like being plunged into hell. I really hope I live to come out on the other side.

Beaux


Terrifying Dreams

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Last night I dreamt of a frightening child. A baby that was dark and grey-ish but had red eyes. The wider he opened his eyes, the more powerful he became, and he the ability to control people’s minds. I turned him around, facing him towards the teacher, who seemed to be some kind of New Age fluffy Guru person, and she didn’t seem willing to face him.

That baby’s red eyes were more terrifying than the grey aliens and their huge black eyes. I’ve never seen anything like it and hope I never encounter something that frightening in my waking life.

Would it be my Shadow? Does anyone know what it means? Why would it have red eyes? I need feedback here, people, feedback.

I remember that we were in a swimming pool, and of course water such as the represents the unconscious mind, but a lot of us were playing there; I have no idea how the baby became involved.

Beaux


Matrixing, AKA Bracketing

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In my philosophy text, I just read about Husserl’s notion of “bracketing” objects and experiences. This is incredibly close to what I mean when I say “matrixing.”

Experiencing something outside of its normal context and associations is incredible and should probably be done every day. Somehow, this also seems to overlap with Zen.

Beaux


More of the Peace

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In becoming aware of my body and focusing increasingly on attempting to relax the tense places, I came to even newer realizations, many of which are yet untested and inchoate.

What I can definitely point to is this: the majority of problems we encounter in life seem to be because our body is tensed up and not relaxed. When the mind-body is at peace (but more so the body, from what I’ve seen), the human has no need to be disturbed. The sheer peace and lack of stress causes the individual to experience the world from a much clearer point of view.

Whether this is finally what God has provided me or whether it comes through my own efforts and experimentation, I cannot say, but I do know that it has come to me many times through His Grace and not through my own efforts.

Now my fondest wish is that everyone in this world could experience this peace. If we all knew peace, if the cruelest person knew what this peace was like, then he would never do another evil thing in his life.

I’ll continue to document things. The chakra meditations are working well.

Beaux


Sleeping Well after Chakra Meditation

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For the first time in as long as I can remember, I slept for a full eight hours without waking up once. Typically, if I awaken, I know that I’ve only been asleep a few hours. So imagine my surprise to have awoken today and realized I had been asleep for so many hours without waking up at all!

I’ve continued to do my meditations on the chakras. The new meditations I’ve found deal directly with the chakras and kundalini. While meditating, I managed to relax a great deal, and I’ve found this is the case when I’m doing a guided meditation instead of trying to meditate on my own.

If I meditate on my own, I can make it so far into meditation, and then my mind begins to chatter. But if I have an external focus, such as the chanting, then my mind slows down and I relax to an incredible degree that I don’t typically know.

That relaxation is what caused me to sleep so well last night. That’s strange, to know that I don’t relax even when I sleep.

But the best part is that I didn’t wake up with the feeling of needing to sleep more, or the feeling that I hadn’t really slept at all. I actually rested.

Needless to say, I’ll be doing those meditations again and will be posting them here.

Beaux


“Those” Moments

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Many of us have had them. Perhaps all of us have had them, I don’t know.

Those moments.

The moments when we do something that is slightly out of character for us, but it is in pursuit of something greater in ourselves, in the world, in reality. The moments when we can sense the overshadowing of something greater in the world of ourselves and the situation we’re in. This is the moment of a Presence, and it is difficult to explain, but I can say that in those moments, we know that God is going with us.

Mostly I have seen this happen when I have been on the cusp of falling in love with someone. I went somewhere, I changed pace, and as I went, God was suddenly there with me, looming (though this sounds negative, it is not), encouraging me forth, pushing me to the goal.

These are the moments that astound and amaze us, the moments that we cling to when our relationships or loves have left us or ignored us or what have you. These are the moments that we remember: “But my God, that was so perfect- it was so right, it was so real. What happened?”

These, yes, are the moments so incredibly right and perfect in our lives that our first instinct is to not believe they are real. That 10% of life that’s so wonderful and the way life is supposed to be and so incredibly good that we can effortlessly embrace it and adore it and enjoy it and revel in it.

That’s the 10-10-80 formula. 10% of life is full of amazingly happy moments, 10% of life is full of amazingly terrible moments, and the other 80% becomes what you make it. That formula’s a bit rough, of course, but I’ve heard it mentioned before.

But maybe those great, unbelievable moments aren’t even about happiness- they’re more like a deep sense of fulfillment. A moment of knowing you are exactly who you are and where you’re supposed to be.

When I was with Howl and Swifty the other night, we were at a closed Winn-Dixie, getting movies from the Red Box. I walked, alone, over to the other side of the building to buy a drink. The sky was dark, the parking lot was empty, and the three of us were there, just the three us, and I was the odd man out.

But I didn’t care, because as I walked in my bright red shirt and Japanese beanie and japa mala swinging around my neck, I knew in that moment, in that pleasant weather and in that depth of night and with that cold diet soft drink firmly held in my hand that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I wanted to do, being exactly who I was meant to be, and nothing, not the dogma of Christianity, not the delusions of the Actual Freedom Trust, not any platitudes spit out by New Age Positive Thinkers, not Dustin’s pseudo-intellectual homophobic bullshit, nothing could compare with the deep sense of fulfillment in that moment, the deep sense of rightness, wholeness, completeness, effortlessness, and goodness in that moment. That was a moment that was meant to be, that was a moment that was meant to happen, that was a moment I could embrace, even if it wasn’t permanent, even if it just happened then and there. That was the moment that was as it should be.

That was one of “those” moments.

Why it happened, how it happened, I’m not totally sure. I went along for the ride. I expressed my individuality. I claimed my power somewhere, somehow. And that was that.

Then we all went back to Howl’s house and watched the movie Devil, which turned out to be a good watch.

That was a great night. I hope for more great nights in the future.

Beaux


Mind-Body Purgation.

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I’ve been sick to my stomach since last night. Perhaps I ate something bad, but while on the Deck, we did a lot internal psychological work on me. The explanations that Kelly and Michael gave me about the recent happening in my life made more sense than I would have liked for them to, and more to the point, they “resonated” with me enough that I think they’re on to something.

Then today, I ended up vomiting terribly, so hard, in fact, that I was afraid my heart my stomach. I begged God to keep me alive in that moment and to not let me die- that’s how terrifying the whole situation was.

Even though this happened in my stomach, I can’t help but feel that the pain in my chest was my heart chakra being purified, at least in part.

The sickness distanced me from my social identity. One point tonight saw me encounter my heart chakra expanding larger than the universe, and it was just a brief, awesome second that blew my mind. Then an hour later, I’m throwing up. Talk about a divine balancing act.

I’m so tired. I wish I could sleep, but my body won’t let me. Today I forsook much of what I should have been doing in my “daily list” of things that fill my life. I just don’t have the necessary stamina, so I’ve taken it easy and been sick and tried to stay in a good mood.

True, my mood is fairly good, despite the illness of my body. I’m seeing a running of two different layers of my person now- a superficial sort of layer and a deeper, more energetic layer. The energetic layer is what determines one’s mood and world view and such. More on this when I can observe it better.

Beaux


The Vision

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One second, I was lying in bed having random thoughts in my head about my childhood and playing video games with one of my cousins.

The transition was then abrupt, unlike anything I’ve ever encountered before. Suddenly, I was standing in what I would guess is a dream, and I knew certainly that I was in the unconscious. Vivid, real images, terrifying- I was standing in a building, on a balcony, and I looked out to the orange horizon, the crowns of skyscrapers and city building, and beyond them clouds, and a wind, a forceful, terrifying wind coming.

No ordinary wind.

The equivalent of dismay in the vision was that the world was coming to an end. I had the sense that an atomic bomb had been dropped somewhere, but also the sense that this was not exactly that. I knew in the vision that if I were to have felt the radiation, I would have hurt with all the pain a person would feel. This world was very, very real- as real as the waking world.

The images were not as stable as the waking world, but they had the same consistent theme.

The wind grew more forceful, and I put my hands up to challenge whatever was coming at me.

Then, I did the only thing, the sole, one, and only thing, that I knew to do.

I began to recite the Name of God in my heart.

Then I forced myself to say it aloud, and out came the whisper:

“Allah.”

The winds died down considerably. I knew that was the key. I could see a visible repair of things destroyed.

And I woke, repeating His Name, again and again and again.

“Allah, Allah, Allah.”

He has me. I belong to Him.

Sufis bow to no one but God.

Beaux


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