A (Long Overdue) Response to A Red State Mystic

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Well, a while back, A Red State Mystic, who happens to be an excellent blogger and Anglo-Catholic mystic with refreshing perspectives on spirituality and a sharp intellect to boot, asked a question about something I had posted on here.

The question had to do with something I said about how God ultimately is the one to take things from us.

In the end, our vices, our shortcomings, our failures, and so on- these are taken by God. It isn’t that we can’t, in the mean time, try to curb our wrongdoings and vices, but the actual DRIVE that cause us to want to do those things is taken by God. That’s how it works. God rips it out of us, and it’s no longer there.

Our own efforts, in the end, count for very little.

In the actual Christian theology, this may seem to violate the concept of free will, but the free will part comes in where we allow God to take from us the vices and problems and darkness. So we still participate, but we aren’t the ultimate captains of the ship, as it were.

I’m tired, it’s late, and I almost just typed, “I’m late, it’s tired,” so I can’t continue with this blog. But know that ultimately God is the one working on us.

Beaux


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Derealization

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When things stop seeming so real, life is much easier to deal with.

I’m still going through a lot of depression, and it’ll be like that for a few minutes, then suddenly be gone, and I’ll feel confident and capable. This is a rapid-cycle spiral of some sort, and I have no idea in what it’s going to end. Hopefully it leads to Nirvana.

Reading Jean-Paul Sartre and reading up on Ramakrishna

Beaux


Family War

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Last night and today, the Great War between my mother and I finally ended in an explosive, honest confrontation that pulled out the real issues.

There’s way too much to document here, but I am completely aware now that humans so often misunderstand one another that terrible things happen all the time.

At the same time as I endured this, my friend Kelly also went through a trouble time, only with her daughter. I can only say that it must be a time for honesty and reality to come through.

My mother found so many of the things that I thought about her to be strange; like she couldn’t believe that I would have ever thought those things about her and so on. It’s strange to see everything out in the truth, to have all these years of unspoken resentment and bitterness spewed out and worked through.

Today, I did something that I am relatively good at doing. I managed to find the summary and explain what the actual problem of the situation was: my mother knows something is wrong with me, but with her level of awareness and understanding, she can’t begin to name the problem, and furthermore, she is absolutely unable to give me the answer and solution to my problem, and that puts her in a place where she feels compromised as a parent.

But the further issue is that I myself am aware of the problem without knowing exactly how to name it.

For a long time, I know I’ve suffered from anxiety, depression, and (repressed) rage. These are all normal human emotions within a certain continuum, but whatever’s going on with me seems to be incredibly potent and more consistent than for a lot of people.

What I’m seeing now is something I hadn’t really seen before- the social anxiety, the depression, all these things, are only epiphenomena of something much deeper that’s going on. Since it’s all been happening since before I really cracked down on the mysticism, I can only wonder what the source of it is.

God willing, I will discover the reality of it, and I pray that I’ll heal myself so that I can heal the world. No human should have to endure this, and I pray that for others, it is easier than it is for me. Others have had it worse than I, that’s true, but this is like being plunged into hell. I really hope I live to come out on the other side.

Beaux


Terrifying Dreams

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Last night I dreamt of a frightening child. A baby that was dark and grey-ish but had red eyes. The wider he opened his eyes, the more powerful he became, and he the ability to control people’s minds. I turned him around, facing him towards the teacher, who seemed to be some kind of New Age fluffy Guru person, and she didn’t seem willing to face him.

That baby’s red eyes were more terrifying than the grey aliens and their huge black eyes. I’ve never seen anything like it and hope I never encounter something that frightening in my waking life.

Would it be my Shadow? Does anyone know what it means? Why would it have red eyes? I need feedback here, people, feedback.

I remember that we were in a swimming pool, and of course water such as the represents the unconscious mind, but a lot of us were playing there; I have no idea how the baby became involved.

Beaux


Matrixing, AKA Bracketing

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In my philosophy text, I just read about Husserl’s notion of “bracketing” objects and experiences. This is incredibly close to what I mean when I say “matrixing.”

Experiencing something outside of its normal context and associations is incredible and should probably be done every day. Somehow, this also seems to overlap with Zen.

Beaux


More of the Peace

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In becoming aware of my body and focusing increasingly on attempting to relax the tense places, I came to even newer realizations, many of which are yet untested and inchoate.

What I can definitely point to is this: the majority of problems we encounter in life seem to be because our body is tensed up and not relaxed. When the mind-body is at peace (but more so the body, from what I’ve seen), the human has no need to be disturbed. The sheer peace and lack of stress causes the individual to experience the world from a much clearer point of view.

Whether this is finally what God has provided me or whether it comes through my own efforts and experimentation, I cannot say, but I do know that it has come to me many times through His Grace and not through my own efforts.

Now my fondest wish is that everyone in this world could experience this peace. If we all knew peace, if the cruelest person knew what this peace was like, then he would never do another evil thing in his life.

I’ll continue to document things. The chakra meditations are working well.

Beaux


Sleeping Well after Chakra Meditation

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For the first time in as long as I can remember, I slept for a full eight hours without waking up once. Typically, if I awaken, I know that I’ve only been asleep a few hours. So imagine my surprise to have awoken today and realized I had been asleep for so many hours without waking up at all!

I’ve continued to do my meditations on the chakras. The new meditations I’ve found deal directly with the chakras and kundalini. While meditating, I managed to relax a great deal, and I’ve found this is the case when I’m doing a guided meditation instead of trying to meditate on my own.

If I meditate on my own, I can make it so far into meditation, and then my mind begins to chatter. But if I have an external focus, such as the chanting, then my mind slows down and I relax to an incredible degree that I don’t typically know.

That relaxation is what caused me to sleep so well last night. That’s strange, to know that I don’t relax even when I sleep.

But the best part is that I didn’t wake up with the feeling of needing to sleep more, or the feeling that I hadn’t really slept at all. I actually rested.

Needless to say, I’ll be doing those meditations again and will be posting them here.

Beaux


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