The Vision

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One second, I was lying in bed having random thoughts in my head about my childhood and playing video games with one of my cousins.

The transition was then abrupt, unlike anything I’ve ever encountered before. Suddenly, I was standing in what I would guess is a dream, and I knew certainly that I was in the unconscious. Vivid, real images, terrifying- I was standing in a building, on a balcony, and I looked out to the orange horizon, the crowns of skyscrapers and city building, and beyond them clouds, and a wind, a forceful, terrifying wind coming.

No ordinary wind.

The equivalent of dismay in the vision was that the world was coming to an end. I had the sense that an atomic bomb had been dropped somewhere, but also the sense that this was not exactly that. I knew in the vision that if I were to have felt the radiation, I would have hurt with all the pain a person would feel. This world was very, very real- as real as the waking world.

The images were not as stable as the waking world, but they had the same consistent theme.

The wind grew more forceful, and I put my hands up to challenge whatever was coming at me.

Then, I did the only thing, the sole, one, and only thing, that I knew to do.

I began to recite the Name of God in my heart.

Then I forced myself to say it aloud, and out came the whisper:


The winds died down considerably. I knew that was the key. I could see a visible repair of things destroyed.

And I woke, repeating His Name, again and again and again.

“Allah, Allah, Allah.”

He has me. I belong to Him.

Sufis bow to no one but God.


Heart Chakra Blockage

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Here we are again, where I stare at my heart chakra during meditation, only to see exactly how much it’s blocked. This is a reference to the Anahata, not the Hrit chakra, for those of you who may be interested.

My heart chakra has been blocked for years, it seems, only to open in small moments with certain people, and then…the heart break happens, my heart shuts down, and here I am again.
Yes, here I am again.
The alternate explanation is that the chakra is not blocked and that somehow this is a reference to God’s Presence in my heart, that this is HIM, purging me, purifying me.
But no, I cannot say that is the case. I can tell that the chakra is blocked, and it hurts. It hurts a lot. My back hurts, the same place where it’s always hurt, and my shoulders constantly are geared towards tensing up.
What a bad Sufi, one might say- to find someone whose heart chakra is blocked and dark and not functioning! But I must endure, as I really have no other options. Perhaps this is only another aspect of the spiral path as I spiral higher and higher, deeper into the spiritual realms.
A blocked heart chakra isn’t fun. I’ll go ahead and tell you that. Especially is the case of not being fun when one knows what it feels like to have the heart chakra open, and when one encounters the blocked version of it. Where is the joy, the meaning, the PEACE from the Grace of God? Why am I left feeling so utterly drained and exhausted? This is a terrible situation compared to how wonderful I felt just yesterday and the day before that, and even last Friday.
What’s going on here? That’s what I would really like to know. I hope that one day I’ll be enlightened to exactly what’s going on in this case, and of course, this could all be some kind of purgation process that’s a reference to the unconscious changes that are taking place. Maybe my conscious ego-mind has no business knowing the reality of what’s happening.
Sometimes I worry that my heart chakra will open and that I’ll feel pain, and the my heart will beat so hard with love that I’ll die, but that’s fine. I would rather die in one ecstatic moment of feeling love than to live an entire meaningless life trapped in lies, betrayals, and emptiness.
God, help me. Help us all, at that.

Sexuality and Spirituality, a Terrifying Truth

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Within the course of the past several hours, let’s say around the past 16 or so, an increasingly horrific realization came upon me.

The first is that I had a genuine sense of the Grace of God descending yesterday, and I spoke to my friend Drew about it. He seemed unclear about what I meant by the “Grace of God” initially, but when I began to explain it with greater detail and point out that it’s largely a sense of peace and relaxation in the body coupled with a great sense of “good vibes” coming down from somewhere else, he understood what I was talking about.

The experience of the Grace of God is not something we ourselves induce; rather, it comes to us, which is the nature of Grace. This is the aspect of spirituality that’s sometimes hard to understand- we can only go so far by our own efforts, and let’s face it, to an American, that’s horrifying. It’s horrifying to imagine that God will determine for us at any point in time if we go any further down the path to enlightenment.

Perhaps not every system uses the Grace of God in this way, but there seem to be references of these things ultimately just “happening.” We can take the initiative and get the ball rolling, but we can’t complete the journey alone.

But then last night, a new aspect of the experience dawned. In the moments when the Grace of God descends, something else entirely is absent, something I had not realized before- the sex drive.

The more I contemplated it, the more I observed, the more I realized exactly to what degree our sex drives cause problems for us. Though the old saying that men think about sex every so many seconds is by no means true, a huge number of our motivations come down to being about sexuality, even in the sublimated forms of relationships and romance.

Think about it- how much do we do to make ourselves look good…specifically, to be sexually attractive….for other people? How much do we work on our personalities so that we’ll be a good catch for someone else? People can say that they do those things just for themselves, but let’s face it, the whole “let’s be happy with ourselves k thx bai” is actually a response to the need for a relationship, which largely, in our world of whores and instant pornographic gratification, becomes unavailable to us.

I am not suggesting for a minute that one cannot be whole and complete and happy one’s self. This is entirely possible, sure, but the caliber of person to whom these Oprah-like platitudes are catering tend to be the ones who are far away from actually getting to that point.

Moreover, so long as the sex drive exists, there will always be a sense of separation, a sense of loneliness, a sense of “needing” someone or something else.

As to whether or not one will experience the same thing in the absence of the sex drive, I cannot say. I cannot say that the need for companionship or intimacy is all completely abolished at this point, as it may not be, but I can say that the overwhelming degree of peace and goodness that one encounters in its absence is by far superior to the emotional entanglements and dances that we do for sexual and romantic encounters.

Some might accuse me of simply being obsessed with sexuality, and to this I answer that I am only diving into the topic to question it, face it, analyze it. In the absence of the sex drive, one can see the number of things that, under typical circumstances, would cause one to think about or notice something sexual.

To some for whom sexuality is their main pleasure in life, the idea of losing the sex drive is likely a frightening notion, and I am understanding of that. The peace, I have found, is superior.

The question now is how to rid one’s self of the sexuality?

The sex drive also seems intimately tied to the ego and to Self. The quiet and peaceful world that appears in its absence is much more appealing. So my question is: if the sex drive were to disappear, and I don’t mean “recede,” I mean to actually be abolished from the human being, what would happen? What would it be like? How would we live our lives? Anxiety and aggression seem tied into sexuality, too, and I know for sure that in the moments of peace I’m far less aggressive and anxious.

If God were to take my sex drive, would I be completely gone, too? Let’s see what happens.

But at the same time, upon further reflection of this, the question arises as to whether or not it is the absence of the sex drive that is causing the peace, or if the reverse holds true- that is, if the peace comes first and causes the sex drive to go into a virtual non-existence, however temporarily.

This is always something to consider, always something to remember, and always something to bear in mind. Don’t assume you’ve figured everything out, because you may indeed be missing some piece of the puzzle, or you may have the wrong explanation to describe a perfectly factual account.

This peace is well worth it. Whatever happens, it is worth it. But perhaps it works either way- the end of the sex drive creates peace, and peace creates the end of the sex drive.

Maybe here, when I say sex drive, I ultimately am referring to “desire” and “craving” in the same basic sense that Buddha meant. There’s not exactly a lot of certainty here, but if things continue, maybe there will be a more definite explanation of what’s happening.

Also, I’m going to point out that as of late, I’ve been doing a lot more meditation, typically guided meditation and chanting. Chanting is a natural method of transmuting sexual energy, so perhaps my sexual energy is being transmuted. But, so too, I have chanted in the past and not encountered this kind of Grace of God and peace, so I’m not sure if those are related to one another. I’m attempting to be open-minded and making the best attempt to be more objective about this.

Something else to point out- in no way, at any point in time, do I intend to demonize sexuality or advocate celibacy. Please; this is the 21st century, we can move past that mindset and into a greater one of wholeness. But there is something to be said for expressing sexuality in a manner that is beyond mere ego-gratification. For me, sexuality with a companion has been more about a communication, a sharing with that other person, a bonding with them, and not about just feeling good and getting off. That kind of sexuality won’t necessarily cause you to feel irritated, but mere self-gratification will almost necessarily lead to it.

This blog has been rather lengthy, but I hope it’s worked to elucidate people about the nature of sexuality and peacefulness in the mind-body.


Back to Square One

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Author’s Note: I wrote this almost a month ago, so this is not my current state of mind.

So it happens again- a cycle that makes absolutely no sense, a cycle that happens again and again. No matter how hard I try, sometimes I find myself back at Square One.

Fucking Square One.

What psychologists and mystics alike have failed to address is something that is very, very important, and here I’m going to address that:

Just because you are aware of how you are reacting, just because you’re aware that your reaction to something is irrational- it does not STOP YOU FROM REACTING IN THAT WAY.

Emotional reactions are oftentimes automatic. With some things, we can easily talk sense into ourselves- someone cuts us off in traffic or drives on our tail, then we can reason out that maybe it’s a little irritating, but it isn’t really a huge deal after all is said and done, and we can get on with our lives.

But what about things such as phobias? What about fear of rejection? The slightest thing happens, and before you know it, you’re completely swept away in it.

My problem right now, my beef, is that I have no one to whom I can 100% honestly vent, and I realize I’ve never had that, and likely never will. I can’t even honestly vent online because of the fact that my identity is exposed here- the fact that someone, somewhere can identify me, the fact that people who know who I am have already happened upon me here and know that it’s me, me, typing these things.

The worst thing is that now, I can see the rise and fall of the energy patterns within myself and others. What I mean to say is that I can see how people “link up” energetically at times, I can see how it creates a sort of net, I can see what exactly happens with the rising and falling of the energetic tides, and hell, I’ve seen my own emotions and thoughts affecting other people.

One problem is that I always second-guess myself, and that’s because I have to second-guess myself. I try my hardest not to be arrogant- meaning that I accept the smugness and superiority for what they are, and then I go on with my life instead of thinking that I actually have everything figured out.

The problem now is that even people joking with me can still upset me. I know they’re joking. I know they don’t mean what they’re saying. But it still HURTS- and I can’t express that truth, I can’t express that what they’re saying is upsetting me, because I’ll be met with attacks that I’m taking things too seriously or that I should lighten up or that I’m just being immature.

But that doesn’t take away from me the feeling that I’m going to cry, does it?

I don’t think people realize that when they pick on other people, when they make fun of them, that it’s like launching energetic bullets at them. It’s a terrible thing, to be pelted with energetic hits like that.

I don’t like crying, especially not out of people having picked on me and not really being serious.

Sometimes, I’m able to shake my moods and go on with life, but before I know it, the bad mood returns. I don’t mean to say that I’m repressing my feelings- I do accept that I feel a certain way, and the I try to understand it. I try to understand the underlying cause. I try to understand the very mechanism that’s making me feel a certain way. There are times when I arrive at great epiphanies in doing this, and then there are times when absolutely nothing comes of it- when there is no particular reason that I feel a certain way, or at best, it’s a vague emotional impression that refuses to manifest itself in an intelligible manner.

I’m not trained well enough at this point to be able to work with the vague emotional impressions, as you might be able to tell.

In the end, I understand that this is all the ego-suffering, I understand that these experiences are likely projections, I understand all that, but that doesn’t take away the suffering. It doesn’t lessen it. I still hurt, and *I* still exist.

What to do?

I can only pray that God will speed me along the Path, that I will arrive at His Throne sooner than later.

Writing helps. This is literally helping to balance my mind. Of course, there’s always still a fear about “expressing emotions” that was conditioned into me by the Actual Freedom Trust, those fuckers, so I fear writing them online. I fear these things, even though I shouldn’t be afraid. Sometimes expressing an emotion is the right thing to do, and sometimes holding back is the right thing, and perhaps the best thing is to actually experience the emotion and sit with it, embracing it, accepting it, while not acting it out.

More ramblings to come.




The Teacher is Nothing

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So in this dream, I was talking to Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee, who was my teacher. He was in a bathroom, and I could hear his voice- and he was telling me about something that did not matter, something trivial that I had read earlier in the day.

Upon reaching the bathroom, I knew he was in the last stall, and that he was about to come out. However, because I was dreaming, and I knew I was dreaming, I was afraid of what might appear. I had no idea- it could be an alien, it could be something monstrous, and so I was terrified.

But I knew that whatever appeared, I would face it. I stood, staring, waiting, as the stall opened, and then…

…there was nothing. Nothing came out.

That’s when I realized that the Teacher is nothing but Nothingness- Nothing there, No One there.

Surprisingly, that’s much less terrifying than aliens, but also much less comprehensible.