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Through deep introspection, I came to a particular insight in the past few days: a common theme of my trust issues is the degree to which I’ve experienced betrayal in my lifetime.

Even in the past few years, even in this year, I have experienced betrayal by people I thought I knew, people I cared about, and people I trusted.

This experience seems to have occurred far more frequently when I was a child.

In essence, I feel betrayed from a number of directions- by my society, my family, by my culture, by people I once called friends, and by my religion.

An ever-present thing that seems to be a the very root of all my anger at people in general is that even when I was young, I hated for people to tell me things that made no sense. The society around me did and said things, held certain attitudes, that even as early as age five I could see made absolutely no sense, and this irritated me to no end.

As an adult, I can now look back to that pent-up aggression and remember always that I am not beholden to follow the rules of the society around me just because everyone else does. I can observe the local customs, see what makes sense, and go from there instead of mindlessly parroting others, which seems to often be the case.

Too many times as a child, I experienced being told that I was smart and THEN ridiculed when I gave my opinion on matters. This happened too many times to recount.

Now, that doesn’t mean that one should not repeat or act like anyone else whatsoever. Give credit where credit is due, and if you sincerely arrived at similar conclusions to someone else, especially independently, then by all means embrace those conclusions.

There are people in the world who are trustworthy. No one is 100% perfect, and anyone can be mistaken and let you down; however, there are people who are truly dutiful and guard their own darkness to keep it from hurting others. Don’t worry- not everyone is going to betray you.

These are just some thoughts that were on my mind.


God is in the Music

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Today I went to see Tyler perform in a concert at a local church.

I haven’t been inside many Protestant churches in the proper sense in a long, long time, so I was surprised to note how the Baptist church had a very modern layout, something akin to a theatre. Even the churches I typically see on TV often have a more “traditional” layout, but we won’t linger at this point.

Without realizing it, I had walked into a concert that had predominantly religious songs, all of which were beautiful. There’s something to be said for the effect of a live performance as opposed to one that is recorded or being viewed on TV; the difference in the immediacy cannot be adequately expressed in words.

It is said in the Qur’an that every creature has its own mode of praise and glorification of God, whereby the meaning is that every individual relates to God in a different manner. Though the reasoning behind it has never been fully revealed to me, I learned long ago that I relate to God through Sacred Music, and the music today was certainly sacred!

The singing took me to new heights, and I noticed my throat chakra especially was reacting to the music, which makes sense. My consciousness in general seemed expanded, and I recall having rapid insights about what was going on.

I did my best to send energy to the singers, and to focus on the Presence of God.

A few times, for split seconds, I could see faintly that rose from the choir. The energy lines were faint to my own vision, so perhaps it was veiled, but whether I could see the energy or not, I certainly felt the connection among everyone in the church.

Truth be told, I love all kinds of music, and I love traditional church hymns. Organ music especially appeals to me, along with chant. I suppose this may be in part the unconscious reaction to my upbringing in the so-called “low” churches.

But also, traditional prayers, such as Ave Maria (or the Angelic Salutation, also called the Hail Mary), when sung are absolutely the epitome of sung beauty. Who is not lifted up into the Presence of God when hearing such things?

Chanting in any language, in any religion, is beautiful to me. Myself, I love to chant as well, though I can’t do any of the actual Gregorian chants of Christianity.

When one repeats a prayer, for instance, and focuses intensely on the meaning of the prayer, the sounds begin to break apart and reveal a deeper essence. Initially this will seem akin to the words no longer having meaning, and this is doubly apparent when one prays with words from another language, yet beneath the sudden meaninglessness is a meaning far beyond our normal conception.

I find it so amazing that God can speak to so many different people in so many different religions and in so many different ways. Certainly not everyone feels the same way about Sacred Music as I, but likely there is something that helps to lift them up to a higher place within themselves.