That Sense of God

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Being Gnostic has helped me in many ways to incorporate and understand things like Paganism and Unitarian Universalism and so on.

Recently, I became aware of GOD. GOD, as in the Absolute, Unknowable, Beyond-of-the-Beyond that I’ve experienced at various points in my life. And to be aware of GOD is difficult, as it requires focus under most circumstances.

To suggest in this case that God is not the Ultimate Satisfaction would be bonkers; God is Everything we could ever want and more, beyond even those things, beyond Peace, Fulfillment, and Happiness.

Why in this lifetime God has seen fit that I would be deprived of the Holy Eucharist is not something I yet understand. Attempting to say the Eucharist myself is met with some effect but not what I need.

But perhaps this, too, will find a true and final resolution, and I will be deprived of Christ’s Body and Blood no longer. I do have the sense of, “Just a little more; just a bit further.”

The difference now is that I sense God being IMPRESSED upon me. That’s new; that’s not been here before.

And so to God the Unknown Father, I say, “Thank You.”


The Endless Spiral

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How do I keep getting spiraled back into Christianity? I’m unsure.

Despite all my romancing of Paganism, despite all the rituals I’ve done, suddenly my mind is somehow focused again on Christ and Sophia, but definitely mostly Christ.

Despite all my skepticism, at this point there is a deep and solid knowing that God is there, that Christ is there. Despite all the the horrific and bizarre things in this world, despite everything about life that doesn’t make sense, deep beyond all that is a core beating with the conviction that yes, in the end, we will all go home, and that Christ is King and that no powers of this world will ever hold us back from God.


Cleansing, Blessing, Sealing

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For those of you who might be unaware, the USA had a presidential election last year, and Donald Trump won, much to the dismay, horror, and revulsion of the vast majority of thinking Americans.

Despair and depression built up in my house, and things were fairly awful for a while.

As time progressed, I realized that thoughtforms had built up in my home, and the time had arrived to banish them and instead fill the house with goodness.

Much to my own surprise, this process worked- by simply intending to banish the negativity, speaking the words, and then by blessing the house with things like joy, friendship, and peace, the entire atmosphere changed along with my attitude along with my day-to-day experience.

This has verified to me the existence of some kind of psychical reality, maybe not one I fully understand, but one that exists nonetheless, and to have manipulated it so quickly still has me in a bit of shock.

The final step is “sealing” the goodness into the house, and I do this in the Name of the Holy Spirit.

I’m truly grateful for my three-fold process of making my day-to-day life better. I’ve added additional prayers as time has progressed, and I make sure to do the Cleansing, Blessing, and Sealing on a nightly basis, just prior to going to bed.

I also have a certain prayer that I use that’s meant to grant a plenary indulgence, but there are techncial requirements for such an indulgence to be granted; nonetheless, the prayer itself is one I use for purification.

The gist here isn’t that I think of humans as awful, wicked, sinful creatures, but I do understand the concept of ritual impurity, and there comes a point where aspects of this world sully us in that regard. So, that has to be banished somehow, and in Christianity, prayers for forgiveness are the way this is accomplished.



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In the background of my consciousness, for some time now, I’ve been aware of a connection to other people, or at least the sense that someone is watching and aware of me. The challenge has been to then figure out who it is watching me, and why- and often, I feel this falls into the realm of “Who is my friend?” or some other such question.

But I realized that the observation wasn’t of a personal friend or even of someone else, though it appeared that way to my mind- rather, it is the common human nature, the Ideal of Humanity, the Form of Mankind, that which I have termed “Adam.”

I’ve tried in more recent years to escape Christianity in some sense, but I am drawn back into it. One thing that I must convey is that my understanding and experience of Christianity is through the lens of Western esotericism and what is often termed the Western Mystery  Tradition; I’ve likened this to modern-day Pagans and devotional polytheists and their approach to religion being applied to Catholicism, and that’s a fair beginning description of me.

Of interest in my reading recently is that Western esotericism is defined as a third way between the materialism of the Enlightenment and the fundamentalism of mainstream Christianity, and I think that explains a good deal about me and my inability to simply collapse into the worldview of so many of my friends and family who are atheists and skeptics and such. I simply cannot do it.

Back to Adam- no doubt my discovery of the Kabbalah and the Tree of Life in adolescence led to the development of various sensitivities, and as of late, I’ve taken upon the meditations provided in Stephan Hoeller’s The Fool’s Pilgrimage, my own attempt to raise consciousness and unlock inner mysteries of the universe.

So the idea of Adam as the Form of Mankind or Human Nature Itself, as an Ideal in the Platonic sense, is something I experience first-hand. It’s always in the background, it’s always there, connected to higher realms and to more things than just me.

There are likely implications in the Gnostic mythos and the mysticism I’ve learned from Bernadette Roberts; it’s likely that Christ unites with Adam to save us all, but this hits a level so esoteric and mysterious that I cannot comprehend it intellectually, and even my intuition grows foggy at this point.

I have another worthy entry, but that shall be for tomorrow.



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While meditating in bed the other night, I suddenly had the image of being in a sort of cave or enclosure, and a black woman dressed in Egyptian regalia sat upon a throne with a hat of some sort, a long hat that looked like it could be the broken skull of an animal.

Behind her was a huge pillar fashioned into the likeness of a serpent, and around the serpent was energy spiraling like the DNA helix; a fire burned atop the serpent, glowing blue.

I asked the woman her name, and she responded, “Kemetu.”

My first instinct was connecting “Kemet” to the word “Kemetic,” and I knew that had to do with Egypt.

But upon looking up the word, I found out that this, in fact, was the word ancient Egyptians used to refer to themselves, and “Kemetu” means “black people.”

Wow. That’s a pretty powerful connection that have arisen in my mind.

I’m not sure what Kemetu meant to teach me or give me, but she was favorable to me, and I am glad to have met her.



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Self-esteem is important. You cannot approach Nirvana with a broken self-esteem because your ego will spend all your energy trying to verify itself.

If you don’t like yourself, you can’t get very far.

So if you don’t like yourself for whatever reason, put down the path to God and find the path to your ego liking itself first.

Liking yourself isn’t selfish, not really. Not liking yourself will cause you to do more damage in the long run with an endless series of addictions and cycles that cannot be broken by those coping mechanisms.

As of late, I have found a girl inside of myself- a young girl, in my second chakra area. And she’s powerful and ready to defend me- I have no idea who she is, where she came from, how long she’s been there, but she does seem to have made herself more known after I began working on my self-esteem and realized I had to learn to like myself.

It isn’t easy. The psyche likes to collapse back into familiar patterns of self-hatred and despair; to like myself requires tremendous energy to fight against a lifetime of fuckery I’ve inherited from other people, from the society around me, through the Collective Unconscious.

Individuating is a horrifying process, and the Collective isn’t fond of it.

But having seen people recently who are possessed by some aspect of the Collective Unconsicous has been even more horrifying. Watching the stereotype of a Trump-supporter go after the local Muslim woman and the Black Lives Matters protestors shocked me- I had no idea people could be just a pure stereotype.

God save us all from this horrible world.


Holy Eucharist at Home and Some on Bernadette Roberts

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Recently, I decided to join my husband’s Unitarian Universalist church. Several reasons contribute to my decision, but I’m not going to bother with them here.

I’ve decided to start doing the Holy Eucharist at home. No, I’m not an ordained priest, and so perhaps it isn’t “valid,” but here’s the thing: I’m tired of doing this idiotic dance of ordination. I’m tired of hoping, waiting, wishing for a Gnostic church to appear here.

It’s probably not going to happen.

In practice, I’ve gone to the UU for four years now, more than I ever did to the Episcopal Church- I still have fond memories of Saint Michael’s, of course.

At the end of the day, it’s just easier for us to go the UU and the come home and have Holy Communion.

And I’ve taken the liberty of creating a UU-esque Holy Communion as well. It has definite inspirations: the Liberal Catholic Church’s liturgy, the Book of Common Prayer, and a few Unitarian Universalist Holy Communions I found.

When I mentioned Holy Communion on Facebook, several UUs expressed interest in having this house Eucharist. I’m down for that while explaining to them a definite belief in the Priesthood of All Believers- I am no more or less a priest than anyone else around me.

I’m excited but have to do a few “test-runs” to make sure things will go smoothly. It’ll be nice to celebrate the liturgical  year with the people who are interested in it.

Shifting gears, I read a new article by Bernadette Roberts. I’m not sure how I missed it, but…let me say that whatever’s happened to me recently has also allowed me to see that I think she’s ridiculously aggressive in her approach and sometimes misrepresents other people’s positions. Some of her latest article sounded like word salad.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out how the Incarnation being God creating Its own Human Nature and uniting It to Itself has anything specifically to do with Jesus of Nazareth if the Incarnation is not also God the Son appearing in the flesh as Jesus Christ. I mean, why bother calling oneself a Christian?

But then I haven’t journeyed as far as Bernadette has.

The most bizarre aspect of my dear Bernadette to whom I’ve turned for so long is that she’s fairly unhelpful as far as what to actually do goes- are we to sit and still the mind? Receive Holy Communion frequently? A combination? Seek to help others? All these things and more? From everything I’ve gathered, she began having mystical experiences pretty early in life and proceeded from there. I’m not sure we’ve all had those kinds of experiences from the beginning.

My own experiences have shown me that the Green Man for sure exists, but there’s not much evidence I’ve had for other Gods, at least not anything that’s totally conclusive.

I just wanted to note that her unnecessary aggression will likely push people away.


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