On a Dream I Had

Leave a comment

On a dream I had last night.

 

Last night, I actually passed out earlier than usual for reasons unknown. Tonight, I feel a similar sleepiness.

 

This began as I turned on a program of GnosCast to listen to some of Father Troy’s commentary. I had previously listened to some of his podcasts but, as with many things, became distracted and subsequently never finished them.

 

However, for anyone who’s ever heard Father Troy Pierce’s voice, you’ll know what the peace that passeth understanding is- his voice is deep-ish and soothing, a particular kind of calm, and…then I was out like a light.

 

Anyway, I woke up periodically throughout the night, and I could hear Troy in my dreams- I distinctly remember the part about gnosis and epistemis and so on last night in one of my dreams.

 

This is how it went:

 

Friends of mine and I were in a large mansion or a cave of some sorts; we were in the basement area, which was at once a cave and also had some kind of technology or machinery built into it. I had the impression that this was a location for planning or studying.

 

Later on in the dream, I was on a floating island in the sky. I was a bird or had wings or something of the sort, and I remember there were two other people on this island, in a small but very elaborately decorated house- a strange, tall, pale woman who was cruel and ruthless and a servant who I cannot remember.

 

The woman ritually would sacrifice birds to use their blood to give herself life. I created a plan where the room she normally lived in was destroyed, causing her to have to move to another room with a door. Since she was in this other room, I was able to escape- and I remember that I had the ability to fly in the dream, and I wasn’t afraid to fly, either.

 

That’s the last clear part of the dream I can remember.

 

Anyway, I’m not certain what it all means, as there are other parts of the dream that are just pieces and I can’t really remember; I think at one point, I was at a Halloween party or something, because I remember flying on a broomstick and people being dressed up in costumes, along with banners being hung up.

 

I would imagine the birds and wings represent freedom and the pale woman representing some kind of Dark Mother aspect, but I’m not totally sure.

 

Beaux

Questioning One’s Motives

Leave a comment

The real question we must ask and the answer we must constantly affirm is, “What are we trying to accomplish? What are we doing?”

 

Mysticism is a process in which we can often get caught up. As with many things in life, we can often forget that there is indeed a goal we had in mind, a reason that we began doing something.

 

My own “adventures in Christendom” pertain largely to this whole issue. Many times I forget that it was the Gnostic revelations that actually brought me back to any semblance of Christian orthodoxy; I sometime get so caught up in trying to receive the Sacraments that I also began getting swept up in other ideas about Christianity that may not prove to be accurate in the real world.

 

The world views that we create for ourselves can be dangerous, as typically any given world view that we have is actually the manifesting of a personal archetype. What I mean to say is that we “shift” into a particular identity, albeit subconsciously, and then we begin living from that identity. The trick, then, is not to destroy that identity, but to embrace it fully, and then offer it to God.

 

There is a truth in that we can never escape ourselves, and that we do have to constantly embrace ourselves and push ourselves towards a wholeness, because then God can take us out in one fell swoop.

 

Well, I guess the process is actually more complicated than that, but that isn’t the point.

 

So, to affirm again what I’m after: I’m after the state the Buddhists call “Nirvana.” In Christianity, this would be roughly parallel to “theosis,” though some would argue that Nirvana is a state beyond theosis.

 

The trickiest idea that we have to deal with is whether or not the perfection of the human can come in this life or if it must await for the hereafter. Almost all Christians would state that the perfection of the soul is in the hereafter, and not in this life; I’m skeptical and will push forward until I myself know what’s going on.

 

The whole essence of Gnosticism, in reality, is finding out for one’s self. It’s really strange that it became a matter of heresy and orthodoxy and dogma and doctrine, that even today so-called “good Catholics” shit bricks when they encounter someone claiming to be Gnostic. Why people take such an issue with private revelation or a direct knowledge of God, I’ll never know; or hell, maybe I will.

 

Anyway, so as much as I love the Roman Catholic Church, I also have to say that I’m not quite cut out to conform there, and as much as I love the Episcopal Church, I will never, ever call myself “Protestant,” and only “Protestant,” so Anglo-Catholicism in the Episcopal Church it is, and I will simply have to mock the Prots and correct the Romans.

 

Okay, so I won’t really do all that. But seriously: they all need to get their poop in a group, stop the corruption, clarify the mystical reality of the theology, get over the gay and women-priests thing, and take a tip from the Eastern Orthodox folks.

 

I will affirm once again, now that I’ve gotten way off topic, that I don’t see ideas such as Heaven and Hell as being specific locations we enter when we die. Instead, I see them as states of being within the presence of the Ultimate Reality that we call God.

 

However, contrary to the views that many people in the New Age arena have, I don’t think that everything is just freely available within us. I do think that some sources of energy exist outside of us, including God- to some extent, yes, we do have God within us, but on the other hand, there’s something to be said about the grace we receive in the Sacraments.

 

Okay, I lost interest in writing this entry as my mind is distracted.

Beaux

 

 

 

Mystical Experience Updates

Leave a comment

First off, today marked my fourth Mass at St. Michael’s Episcopal Church in Ozark, Alabama. That tops the three Masses I went to at St. Mark’s in Troy, Alabama. The main thing that has changed: I am going to Mass for Christ and not for myself. That’s an incredible shift in my own consciousness.

Another good point is that since I am single at this point in my life, I attend Mass with a full dedication to Christ and can put my full focus on Him. I felt a bit uncomfortable before when I went with my then-boyfriend, as I felt I was ignoring him or not giving him the due attention. However, there was also the reality that we weren’t totally able to be open about our relationship and so on at the church on the one hand, so perhaps that played into it.

The mystical experiences to note:

One night, I had the experience of everyone being part of the Body of Christ. The mystical Body of Christ is a reality, not a metaphor. Unfortunately, Christianity often enough gets everything backwards: what is literal is taken as symbolic and what is symbolic is taken as literal. This is highly bothersome.

At any rate, the experience accorded to me that everyone is a part of THE BODY of Christ, that we are substantially, in a flesh-and-blood sort of way, made out of His very Body. Receiving the Eucharist reveals this Truth in our own bodies- the Truth of our Oneness with God and each other. This is a very real and vital sort of thing, not just a strange, flowing, undefined energetic sort of way; it’s like being a great, organic body, connected in a direct and real manner.

The next experience: as I drove to Mass today, I had the experience of Christ being on the cross, high in the sky, and all reality being united to Him. Then, I had the experience of seeing myself melt away, along with all people melt away, to reveal that underneath, we are all actually Christ. So to treat another human being in a certain way is verily to treat Christ in that way.

This comes around to a picture that my friend Richard posted recently of a man shooting heroin into his vein, showing that in doing so, he, too, is shooting heroin into the body of Jesus. The point, then, is that not only is it a matter of what we do to another person, BUT HOW WE TREAT OURSELVES, a point that is not emphasized enough in Christianity.

In the Second Great Commandment of Christ, we are told to love our neighbor as ourselves; the implication, then, is that we must FIRST love ourselves, for if we hate ourselves, we will hate our neighbor as well.

The final revelation that occurred today happened as I took a walk and, with my mala-turned-chotki, I prayed the Name of Jesus or the so-called Jesus Prayer. After a time, I began to see the shimmering in everything; there’s a strange shimmering that’s appeared more and more these days, perhaps a function of meditating more on the Third Eye. Either way, I see a light, a shimmering, in things that I have only begun seeing since a little before starting to go to Mass and probably after I started doing the meditation on the Secret of the Golden Flower.

All I can say is, “Praise be to God.”

I hope my words can be of use to others, that they either take encouragement from them or find parallels in their own mysticism.

Beaux

Mass at St. Michael’s Episcopal Church in Ozark, Alabama

2 Comments

For the first time in over a year, I attended Mass again, this time at St. Michael’s Episcopal Church in Ozark, Alabama.

 

The church is small, quite small, and I went alone; this was a big deal for me, as I had to drive half an hour to get there, and I’m unaccustomed to going places alone.

 

Call me crazy, call me ballsy, call me whatever, but I was bloody-minded enough (read: insanely determined) that I was going to go to this freely available Mass tonight, because I was actually awake and had the chance and all that jazz.

 

I didn’t go for myself, ultimately, either; I went for Christ. I kept reminding myself that I was doing this for Christ and not for me, which helped me more to understand what the Sufis mean about surrendering to the Will of God.

 

The priest, Father Tom, was especially welcoming; especially since I ended up arriving a half-hour early for the service. He asked me normal questions, and then people began showing up; they introduced themselves, and I enjoyed the small congregation of only 12 people tonight.

 

The Mass was actually just the communion part; there was no sermon or singing, praise be to God. I do like hymns, and they do have an organ (a small, electrical one), but getting to the good stuff of the Lord Christ is what makes me a happy panda.

 

I’ve never been to such a welcoming church before. I’ve also never been to a church that kept so many Catholic elements for being such a heavily via media church. (They, in fact, had the prayer candles- the votive candles lit when one says a prayer- and we all said, “Amen” after receiving communion, and everyone crossed themselves. This didn’t happen at St. Mark’s in Troy, where they even had a quite visible Tabernacle!)

 

Of course, I shouldn’t read into that sort of thing, either; the important thing is that I went, and I saw Christ proclaimed magnificently in the Episcopal Church once again with a lovely group of people who are indeed the Body of Christ.

 

Receiving the Eucharist did something for me this time, among these beautiful, loving people, and I know that Christ somehow transformed me within, and that I should go receive communion as often as possible. God has done something amazing, something that I don’t fully understand but can palpably feel inside of me.

 

Maybe I am simply more open to God now. Maybe I have matured somewhere inside of myself. Who knows the why and the how? I am concerned only with the fact that receiving communion has changed me in a way I wasn’t expecting, in that same, real manner that’s true- something that is real just IS.

 

After Mass, we had a soup and salad dinner; naturally, I asked if there was any meat in the soup, and someone checked for me. Turns out it was she-crab soup, and it was absolutely amazing; the salad wasn’t half bad, either, and I had a glass of wonderful sweet tea.

 

Then Father Tom gave a semi-humorous presentation on the Top Ten Failed Evangelism Ideas. People commented and tried to figure out how to best help evangelize in the community; the ultimate idea came back around to Facebook and Youtube.

So, in a way, I suppose I’m doing my part.

 

The Episcopal Church is, in many ways, a mess, yet there is undeniably a statement of truth- they accept everyone, especially this parish. They accept absolutely everyone, regardless of race, creed, or sexual orientation. (I should note that a gay couple made up part of tonight’s congregation!)

 

A few of my other devoted friends have ended up in the Episcopal Church. True, the mystic in me will never relent from my heresies, but perhaps that’s exactly what will ultimately grant the Episcopal Church its greatest strength- the outcasts who hold a piece of Christ’s Mystery that was never written down and given the Seal of Approval.

St. Michael’s is an openly and avowed gay-friendly church; this is true for the priest and the congregation, as I experienced first-hand tonight. You will feel welcome, no matter who you are!

Praise be to God, and let us proclaim the ultimate Mystery of Christ’s love.

You can visit their Facebook page here.

 

Beaux

 

 

 

 

More Rules about Revenge

Leave a comment

Something I forgot to mention in the blog on revenge:

It’s also a good practice that, if you have a desire to avenge yourself, to offer the person a chance for your mercy. This gives the person in question the opportunity to right their wrongs, remedy their ills, and apologize to try to make things right.

This is not always the case, however, but if you ARE going to take revenge, you might as well be as noble about it as possible.

Beaux

Hate in My Heart

Leave a comment

Friday proved difficult for me; I was in an irritated mode all day, not really with a specific reason, and then I ended up having one thing after the next attack me in the bad mood.

I ended posting a response to a particularly upsetting video I saw online that only furthered my realization of just how in control the archons are of this world. The comments I received were normal initially, and then one particular person attacked my wall with a so-called Wall of Text.

We ended up getting into it, and he immediately attacked me with an argumentum ad hominem, saying blatantly mean things to me- a guy who was on my Facebook almost accidentally, who had not had more than two conversations with me and who had seemed like a kind person, suddenly turning into THE biggest asshole.

He ended up blocking me, and I ended up crying- a childish thing on the one hand, but I had enough stress inside of me, and finally I reached the breaking point.

I felt stupid for crying on the one hand, but on the other hand, my body needed it.

The realizations then began coming. I was able to watch myself in the entire situation, able to see what happened inside of me emotionally, and I have come to the point where a virtual breakthrough is possible.

Charting the emotional pattern is not going to as easy as I had imagined, but at any rate, not only did the breakthrough come up, the Shadow came up as well, and the Shadow is in full force.

I have never, in the entirety of my life, began hating someone I did not know so quickly; I have never wished death on someone the way I have on this guy. I have never been so vengeful, but this poor guy, he’s getting all my evil, all my anger, all the pent-up rage at rednecks and stupid people who have continuously ruined not only my life but the world around us.

So, I’m dealing with the rage, the hate, which is welling up from the root chakra- this is not just a heart chakra anger, this is a complete life force vigor type deal.

Which is why it’s dangerous.

But on the other hand, I can also see there is a place for this in my life, that it points still to a deeper pain that’s happened, that my overreaction ultimately comes down to my being on the edge of the breakthrough. All the nastiness is coming up, and god, it’s been coming up for years.

In the end, wishing death on someone cannot be justified, unless the person has killed someone close to you.

But wishing the karma back on them, wishing the suffering that caused you in their vileness back on them, wishing for the gods to bitchslap them is well within my right, and I think it’s about time that I learned this lesson. I’ve been trying to learn it for years and years and years, situations, such as this one, keep occurring, and each time, I hold back in the name of Christ and trying to be Christ-like.

Well, no offense to Christ- I’m going to do what I have to do.

It terrifies me to realize that we all have this dark side, and that we all could devolve into it at any given point. Why I was surprised that this guy had a dark side, I’m not sure; it’s not that I was surprised that he had one, I suppose, so much as it was surprising that he would attack me so quickly.

Back to the whole thing of being misunderstood, but hey, he can go fuck himself.

This is the part where I keep complaining about how Jesus doesn’t tell us how to stop hating someone. I’ve prayed for the necessary graces and charism to stop hating him, to stop wanting to take revenge, and yet my pride gets in the way, and part of me understands somewhere that for him to get back exactly the amount of pain he caused to me is justifiable.

I’ve been unable, but more so unwilling, to meditate. I mean, I can’t bring myself seriously to meditate at this point when I feel so angry and hateful; those feelings just well up and take over, and I began thinking through everything again and getting angrier.

Pray for me, brothers and sisters, that I may know the Will of God.

Beaux

Episcopi: A Christian’s Card Game

Leave a comment

Episcopi: A card game I invented for my own sake. All my Christian friends will get a kick out of this.

You need at least 3 players, ideally 4, and ideally more.

Deal 12 cards to each player, assuming you have 4 players.

Each round or trick is called a Mass.

The players take turns laying down a card. Whoever has the highest ranking card of that turn wins that hand.

The player with the most cards at the end of the game wins.

Certain cards have special titles:

 

7s of any suit are called “Priests.”
6s of any suit are called “Heretics.” These are the typical “low” card.

Jacks of any suit are called “Bishops.”

3 Special Cards exist:

 

The Queen of Spades is called the “Maria” or the “Virgin” or “the Virgin Mary.”

The Ace of Hearts is called “The Sacred Heart of Jesus” or “The Pope.”

The Joker is called “the Devil.”
The Ace of Hearts is THE highest card in the game; it outranks every card and cannot be beaten by any card.

The Queen of Spades is the second highest card in the game; it outranks every card except the the Ace of Hearts.

The Devil ranks lower than the Heretics; however, the one hand the Devil *can* possibly win is if it is the final card played in the Requiem Mass.

A visual of the ranks, from High to Low:

 

Ace of Hearts (Sacred Heart)

Queen of Spades (Maria)

Jacks of Any Suit (Bishops)

Sevens of Any Suit (Priests)

Kings

Queens

Tens

Nines

Eights

Fives

Fours

Threes

Twos

Sixes (Heretics)

Joker (The Devil)

Have fun playing!

Beaux

More on Meditation

Leave a comment

The past several times when I’ve had any kind of substantial meditation, I’ve noticed that what feels like a certain part of my brain begins to become active, deep in the head and towards the back. It’s further back than where I understand the pineal gland to be, but that could be something I incorrectly assess.

 

Now, several blogs ago, I established that there are three parts to the mind in my own experience: the Thinker, which is the part of us that sits down and consciously thinks about things and makes decisions; the Subconscious, which is a deeper layer from which thoughts and feelings arise; and the Ego, which is the “person” aware of these things.

 

The Thinker can be quieted rather easily; the Subconscious is the real issue, and the Ego has never gone.

 

But last night, I noticed something incredibly interesting as I meditated; the real work seems to be in the Subconscious and whether or not THAT part of the mind is meditating. I think that’s what this has all been about, getting the Subconscious part to meditate. If this part of the mind is meditating, it doesn’t matter if the Thinker is operating or not; anytime one stops, one will go back to the Meditating Subconscious (more or less.)

 

For me, it takes about 40 minutes of meditation, and sometimes an hour, to really get to this point. Ideally, I *should* be sitting in meditation for perhaps 2 or even 3 hours a day.

 

I said Mass again last night, and I consecrated a host to put in what’s now my Tabernacle. I do feel the sheer of terror of mentioning that I’m doing such things online, as I can see the attacks levied against me about having no Apostolic Succession and so on and so forth.

Yet I now understand that misses the entire point; the issue here is to practice and not get too caught up in the theory. Christ will come to those who seek Him.

Of course, I should also point out that I’m not acting as priest in leading a community, either; this is strictly a private celebration that I do alone, which changes the nature of it to me.

I described myself one to someone as a Christian mystic, and someone else explained that as meaning approximately a Christian shaman. It’s an interesting twist on the concept, I think, and somewhat appropriate for me.

 

But I refuse to get caught up in the label game at this point; it’s ridiculous and unnecessary. I, of all people I have known, find is baffling that I even fit into Christianity at all, yet here I am. So what a religion is really trying to convey is not necessarily the same thing as how it is popularly and consistently misunderstand.

 

Here endeth the rant.

Beaux

 

 

Perceptual Changes and More

Leave a comment

Perceptual changes as of late that should be noted:

I seem to have a greater and automatic focus on experiencing the world through my senses. It’s difficult to explain what I mean by this, but there’s certainly a very “this world” focus on the one hand, though my mind often seems to go blank or be clear.

The “tiredness” has returned lately; I feel like a kind of blanket is held over the front of my brain, and thinking, as well as writing, becomes a kind of effort that has to be made. Lying in bed, very still, can create a great deal of bliss for me; last night, I lay in bed and had a heating pad on my head to help keep me warm, and I felt such incredible bliss there unlike what I normally feel.

Certain sexual energies seem to be lessening for me; this isn’t consistent, but sexual pleasure seems to have been stripped from me to some degree. It’s just as well, as through the Holy Spirit, I have experienced a fullness and completeness that sexuality has never granted me.

Another recent insight I’ve had lately is that what I truly want is Nirvana, not only for myself, but for all sentient beings, as the Buddhists would say; my most fervent prayer to God is for everyone, even my worst enemies, even Satan itself, to be brought to salvation in Nirvana; Nirvana not only for myself but for everyone and everything. This is the only true purpose that can exist in reality.

The completeness of the Holy Trinity has been revealed in the Holy Spirit, and yet I am left without a particular abstraction or mental construct by which to express the completeness. God is never-ending; God is always-continuing; God is eternal, but not eternal in a way which seems suffocating or crushing; God’s eternity is simply beyond words that explain what’s happening. There is no lacking in God, while in humans, we seem to have a very basic nature of “lack.”

I lay in bed last night and felt my prayer going to God, my glorification of God, while the true glorifying agent is the Holy Spirit, God the Mother, praising God through me. Suffice it to say that God the Mother offers God the Son to God the Father through us, in a Mystery of God that is profound and deep and that I cannot begin to explain; we may participate in this by surrendering ourselves willingly to God, but it seems rather like God’s actually got all the bases covered, and we’re not really necessary in the process too terribly much. It’s almost as though I observe something happening but don’t cause it to happen.

Anyway, there was a sense of completeness in glorifying God; not glorification in the sense of petition or because I wanted anything, but because it is the nature of man to want to honor and praise something greater than himself.

And of course, the glorification is a sense of fullness and joy, mixed often with longing; it isn’t the corny sort of modern Christian worship that’s hollow and devoid of the very things it seeks to express. This is different; this is more; this is REAL. There’s something substantial here.

Several times, I’ve also noticed that I don’t have the same kind of arousal of emotions as I used to; this isn’t consistent, but during this period, it’s rare for me to experience extreme emotions, either good or bad. Instead, there’s a kind of constant steadiness in the tiredness. I do have emotions that appear at times, though the cognitive component seems at times to be worse than any kind of physical passion associated with it.

Beaux

The Holy Rosary and Praying Seven Times Daily

2 Comments

A brief notion for Christians and mystics who wish to pray several times a day or have a kind of desire to conform to the several times to pray but are unable to pray the Divine Office or Daily Office is to instead substitute the praying of the Holy Rosary instead.

One can either pray the Holy Rosary by dividing it into 5 or 7 times, with 7 being the preferable number. The 5 times is self-explanatory; one prayers the opening prayers, plus the first decade, followed by a different period for each subsequent decade and then the closing prayers.

The 7 times would include the opening prayers and cease with the Glory Be and Fatima prayer prior to announcing the First Mystery. The First Mystery of the day would then be announced when praying for the second time, and so on. The 7th time of prayer would be the Salve Regina prayer.

Praying the Holy Rosary all at once is also a good idea, but the breaking up of the prayer helps to keep a cycle going, which is, in my opinion, an important aspect of prayer.

 

Beaux

Older Entries Newer Entries