Love of God for a Few Days

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Over the past few days, when I am still and focus and relax, I can feel a combination of things welling in my heart, namely something like “love-longing-meaning-joy,” all bound up together.

The most amazing insight recently is that this experience, this love-longing-meaning-joy, which can only be coming from God Most High, is for EVERYONE. The one experiencing it is meant to GIVE this love-longing-meaning-joy to others.

This is the solution all the ills of mankind, this one powerful, mysterious movement in the heart. This is the solution to our problematic nature.

And now the words of St. Paul come to me about “if I have not love,” and I think, if this love dancing in my heart now, fluttering in my heart now, is what he meant, then he’s absolutely right. No amount of spiritual powers, no amount of insight into the universe, no amount of any political power of any kind, NONE OF THESE THINGS MATTER WITHOUT THIS LOVE.

I pray this love consumes “me” so that it might find life in others.

In the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, AMEN.

On Being One’s Individual Self, More on Bernadette Roberts, and Various Rantings

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Instead of engaging in Contemplative Prayer (which is what I should be doing), I am instead writing a bit about an insight I had earlier.


To counterbalance this grand insight, I ended up cutting myself shaving. I do think this is the whole paradox of reality- we recognize some powerful and great Truth which is then curbed by the distressing and often annoying realities of common life.


Unfortunately, I do spend too much time reading theology online, along with forums and people’s opinions on various matters of religion. I’ve done so less and less as time as progressed, rightly curbing such an atrocious habit, but it does possess me here and again.


Naturally, with my Jungian and mystical leanings to things, I do take it upon myself to Google Jung and Catholicism.


Some article or another popped up one day that, of course, was blasting Jung and the “liberalism” of certain Catholics who seem to think the goal of the Tradition is just to find the “Authentic Self” and apply this to the idea that the universal quest of all religion is to find the “Authentic Self,” and there ends the quest.


This is partially correct. However, the issue that many mystics seem to be pressing, and the issue that I discovered when I was age 15, is that there is a point where one transcends the Higher/Authentic Self.


The notion that there may be something beyond the Higher Self, or that the Higher Self could even be lost, is troubling and perplexing to many people who don’t understand how we could exist without it. However, there are some technicalities in the context of philosophical and theological definitions as to what the “soul” of a human being is, such that the soul includes body and mind.


Anyway, some of the issues I’ve seen recently are people’s attacking Bernadette Roberts and her particular way of viewing things. They seem to gloss over some points that she makes that are very important while dissecting her with all manner of philosophical attacks that they can, and the whole bit irritates me. I finally gave up reading that particular forum after I made it to the 8th or so page out of 18 pages of Walls of Text Coming After Me.


Given, I did find some of the philosophical points people were making interesting, but I think I can summarize in a better way what Bernadette is attempting to convey:


Instead of our having a ghost or inner spirit that pops out when we die, we have an aspect of the body that is immortal, an aspect of the body that our senses don’t normally inform us about. The Holy Eucharist, then, explains this: the bread and wine become the Body and Blood of Christ while the Body and Blood don’t seemingly appear.


Now, this concept appeals to me, the idea of an immortal, unseen Body, because to me, it seems NOVEL. Christianity has a huge focus on the Incarnation, on physicality, and on the Sacraments being real and true and actual effective means of our receiving God.


I’m also not suggesting that this particular way of perceiving things should be accepted as dogma. Rather, one should test this and find out for one’s self by making the mystic’s journey, pure and simple.


There’s a bit of contradiction when it comes to people who perceive the Deceased and communicate with entities on the “other side,” along with comparisons of various Near Death Experiences. One wonders how these things possibly happen if it’s possible that we don’t have a thinking/feeling being that persists after the death of the body.


Anyway, moving on to the Insight I had earlier and referring back to the Authentic Self: as I’ve said, there’s been a new shift in my focus to try to stimulate the Third Chakra and to try to really have a sense of liking myself and who I am. The Bishop said something interesting to me prior to my Confirmation in that we have to be the person God created us to be. The problem is that this is variously understood to mean something along the lines of following a particular set of rules, but then in Catholic Christianity, the feel of it, too, is different. There is a specific measure in God’s plan that I can and should fulfill, and I have to embrace my individuality to the maximum.


Again, the irony that exists in trying to destroy a sense of identity and how that perpetuated my sense of self and then the embracing of a particular identity seems to erode the ego in a way I can’t precisely explain.


My concern has been that seeking my True Self or Ego Center might displace God. In fact, the opposite reality is what I’ve discovered: being one’s true self, finding one’s center, and living out that center, is in and of itself an act of worship. To be what God has created one to be IS a prayer, IS worship, and I’m satisfied with that.


I’ve heard the bit before about searching for God and finding one’s self or searching for one’s and finding God, which I think kind of illustrates this principle. I go searching for myself, and then I find myself in the Presence of God.


My heart chakra also seems to be able to open more freely now that I’ve been more wont to embrace the stomach chakra.


Another interesting thing, too, is that I’m able to enjoy my own being, my own company, and have a sense of appreciation for myself. A few times, I’ve finally felt like an adult somewhere, like there was a Bigger Me somewhere that understood things and could do things that I can’t normally do. I compare this to my finally feeling less like a child and more like a teenager; suddenly things that frightened me were more like an adventure of sorts, a fresh start, a new change that I could experience.


But that particular mode of being is something that requires such tremendous focus that I hope it becomes a force of habit after a while. I might well give up if I don’t get a second wind sometime soon, as it’s pretty difficult on the one hand.


Pax Vobiscum.




Oppression and Meaninglessness

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Here’s a chance to document something in real time. Earlier in the evening, I took a nap that turned into fours of my sleeping. In the dreams I had, a sense of meaninglessness and oppression that I experience in my life appeared and appeared strongly. In waking life, this feeling is minimized, likely through various mental tricks I use.

Imagine an icy-hot fire gripping the chest, especially the top part of the heart or above the heart and at the corresponding area on the spinal cord, and imagine all sense of meaning being taken from reality; this is the experience I’m going through as I type these words. The world seems both empty and oppressive, grey, and stripped of purpose.

Naturally, this is a Veil of God. This isn’t permanent. My immediate thoughts are that these relates to me on an ego-level, of something unfulfilled or missing in my life, but further ideas that appear make me wonder if it’s more than that, if maybe this is part of the transformative process.

I didn’t bargain for having only negative experiences in transformation, but good grief, that seems to be the vast majority of them. I suppose in the end I will have felt every possible emotion until the end of its existence.

Another immediate reaction in the middle of the clenched-up-chest experience is to not look for God, to not say the dhikr, but it is absolutely crucial in these moments to do just that, to keep a focus on the Divine, however we may encounter him.

But what does one do when the Divine is encountered as meaningfulness, and there’s suddenly no meaning? Ah, here we have the problem, and the only solution is to continue with the action as though we know the Divine is there.

Here, I have a glimpse of what will lay beyond all unconscious oppression, in that the peace that will follow will enable both confidence and a general contentment with life. But how to get there? Well, in a sort of honest manner, one cannot get there on one’s own, as it is ultimately contingent upon God and not one’s self. But many mystics say that the Grace descends only after have made every effort on this end, and I’m making a great deal of effort and finding every way I can to turn to God, whatever it may be.

Categorically, I can’t place God anywhere, and I’m even having trouble using the word “God” because of the negative connotations that I have with the word. Certainly I know what I mean, but does everyone else know what I mean? That’s always the question.

I think for most Christians, God is first conceived of in personal terms, e.g., as a person or entity, and only secondarily does the entity contain ideas such as the Supreme Beauty or Absolute Reality, whereas I would conceive of God in the opposite manner: the Ultimate Meaning or the Truth that is translated into imagery of an entity. Yet I cannot mislead anyone in saying that God is a mere abstraction, as I would argue God is quite real and beyond our ordinary understanding. Moreover, many great Christians would certainly be in agreement with me, even if they are somehow considered unorthodox for their views.

The oppression in my chest seems to have lessened, but does that mean something good? Does it not make me less reliant on God? Maybe I should be grateful for the afflictions that befall me, but that’s a difficult thing to do.

I have trouble when people say we should be grateful for our suffering, because many people don’t understand that the person who is grateful for suffering has achieved a certain level of consciousness (or be given it, if not achieved it), and that the person has an understanding of the suffering that someone else simply doesn’t have.

Now I should go get to the root of this.


More on Being Right All the Time

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Sometimes, the degree to which I’ve been right about reality all along seems to sicken me. Naturally the charges of arrogance fly out at me at this point in time, and of course, I try to fight against what I already know on many levels. Let’s just jump in and go with it, then, shall we?

The Svadisthana chakra, the second chakra up, in other words, is where most of our problems in life are. Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee says that most of humanity lives collectively at the level of the third chakra, but I would add to this that’s only barely that anyone lives there. If someone as self-aware as I has the sheer number of problems with his lower chakras, it’s likely that most others do as well.

Trying to do the Sufi meditation of the heart has been ridiculously difficult for the past I don’t know how long. My heart chakra would barely open, I could barely feel love, I could sometimes (gratefully!) feel a twinge of longing, but there was a kind of pain that kept me from really feeling. Many would try to argue that this stemmed from a blocked heart chakra, and so I thought as well, but now I see that the whole time it’s been the blockages in my lower chakras that’s been causing the problems.

A few Sundays ago, I was driving to see my friends in Headland. I came into Dothan and felt social anxiety just driving around the other people, and the fear was without a doubt beginning from the second chakra. This gave me the key that I needed to progress somewhat.

Suffice it to say, that before I can put love in my heart, I’ll have to free up the energy and clear out the blockages that exist in the second chakra. Maybe the heart chakra can help, I’m not sure.

The truth is, though, that cleaning out the lower chakras is also part of Sufism but put into a different terminology: this is the Shadow work, which is the first part of the journey. Dealing with the basic instinctual nature, clearing out the subconscious misunderstandings, accepting the Shadow tendencies. This all comes before the raging, burning, furious Love for God.

I happened upon some articles and a healer in a moment of synchronicity that supported the idea of the issues being in the Svadisthana chakra. Everything became increasingly clear.

Also, I happened upon an article that spoke of how the parts of the brain dealing with meaning and thought are not directly wired to the parts of the brain dealing with emotional memory, and this clued me into why therapy did little for my social anxiety: I was right the whole time (again) that feelings, not thoughts, were the issue, despite how my therapist insisted that I was thinking the wrong thoughts and somehow misunderstanding the situation which is what caused the anxiety.

But that’s just not how it works, and now I know diving into a nameless emotional realm is the only solution to the problem.

So I’ve been feeling my emotions, searching without words in the basic energy patterns, trying to find what’s causing the blockages and problems in my lower chakras. I’ve even take up some of the hatha yoga practices I used to do once more, and they feel wonderful; the asanas don’t make me sore the next day.

Going through and dealing with the energy in the Svadisthana chakra has done a few things. First, it’s unleashed my power and creativity- I’ve written profusely and started doing art again and am just driven as an artist. Second, my sexuality- the basic instinctual kind “high” that comes when being turned on- has largely dwindled and come under control to where it doesn’t control me or compel me in situations that are unhealthy. In this case, it doesn’t feel like I’m resisting or fighting it- rather, the energy simply just isn’t there to begin with. Likely a lot of the sexual energy was really trapped emotional energy bouncing around and going haywire in the lower chakras.

Lastly, dealing with the energy in the lower chakras creates a peace in the body. The body feels practically weightless, and a few times I would move my legs and almost fall because of how quickly they moved; I wasn’t accustomed to that kind of lightness.

Maybe my body will also shed some of the weight on it- now, given, my body isn’t exactly overweight to begin with, but some areas have been hard to tone, and I’m a big believer in the mind-body connection and that the body carries weight and ailments in it when the psychological energy isn’t processed correctly. I’ve seen this for myself way too many times to discredit it.

Just an update.

Where God is in the midst of this all, I have no idea. Sometimes He’s near, sometimes He doesn’t seem to exist.


Heart Chakra Blockage

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Here we are again, where I stare at my heart chakra during meditation, only to see exactly how much it’s blocked. This is a reference to the Anahata, not the Hrit chakra, for those of you who may be interested.

My heart chakra has been blocked for years, it seems, only to open in small moments with certain people, and then…the heart break happens, my heart shuts down, and here I am again.
Yes, here I am again.
The alternate explanation is that the chakra is not blocked and that somehow this is a reference to God’s Presence in my heart, that this is HIM, purging me, purifying me.
But no, I cannot say that is the case. I can tell that the chakra is blocked, and it hurts. It hurts a lot. My back hurts, the same place where it’s always hurt, and my shoulders constantly are geared towards tensing up.
What a bad Sufi, one might say- to find someone whose heart chakra is blocked and dark and not functioning! But I must endure, as I really have no other options. Perhaps this is only another aspect of the spiral path as I spiral higher and higher, deeper into the spiritual realms.
A blocked heart chakra isn’t fun. I’ll go ahead and tell you that. Especially is the case of not being fun when one knows what it feels like to have the heart chakra open, and when one encounters the blocked version of it. Where is the joy, the meaning, the PEACE from the Grace of God? Why am I left feeling so utterly drained and exhausted? This is a terrible situation compared to how wonderful I felt just yesterday and the day before that, and even last Friday.
What’s going on here? That’s what I would really like to know. I hope that one day I’ll be enlightened to exactly what’s going on in this case, and of course, this could all be some kind of purgation process that’s a reference to the unconscious changes that are taking place. Maybe my conscious ego-mind has no business knowing the reality of what’s happening.
Sometimes I worry that my heart chakra will open and that I’ll feel pain, and the my heart will beat so hard with love that I’ll die, but that’s fine. I would rather die in one ecstatic moment of feeling love than to live an entire meaningless life trapped in lies, betrayals, and emptiness.
God, help me. Help us all, at that.

Odd Chakra

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I’m encountering and experiencing a chakra that’s located between the Solar Plexus and the Heart Chakra. Upon doing some research, I discovered this is known as the Hrit chakra. I’ll have to do more research to really understand it, but perhaps this is the so-called “hidden heart chakra” of which I’ve heard.

Well, it seems that the mind continually must expand to accommodate higher and higher levels of consciousness. Perhaps the assumption that one has made it to the highest level of consciousness is always an illusion; is there never an end to the journey?

We’ll see.