Insanity

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Well, here’s the part where I go certifiably insane.

I’ve had the impression of a new chakra.

A chakra that isn’t directly associated with the body, a chakra that floats around the body but seemingly is connected to the bottom of the body like a tail.

An invisible tail. I’m perceiving an invisible energy chakra tail.

Does ANYONE have any EXPERENTIAL reference point to this?

Also, I seem to have my crown chakra trying to force it’s way open all of a sudden, but I’m also having coffee, so it could be a caffeine surge.

Somebody, help.

P.S., I’m over the Piskey-hate. 

Beaux 

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Holy Matrimony, the Sacred Nature of Sexuality, and an Inner Reform

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Watching the Royal Wedding the other day had a profound affect on me. Anglicanism, at its zenith of Anglo-Catholicism, is beautiful beyond beautiful, truly a mark of God’s Presence on Earth.

But more to the point, the administration of the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony had an even more profound affect on me.

So now, I’m going to say things that will put me outside of the mindset of the majority of the society and world in which I live.

I do not think sex should happen outside of marriage.

That goes for straight people and gay people alike.

End of story.

Now, to push forward and explain some things: that does not mean that I believe that it’s a “sin” to have sex outside of marriage, much less that I think it’s a threat to one’s immortal soul or eternal abode.

Allow me to clarify what I mean.

In our society, there is a huge amount of dissatisfaction within relationships and within marriage and with sexuality in general. People seem to not want to admit this, and more and more, what I’ve seen is the attitude that “monogamy is the evil” from some of the more vocal people. That is, people are seriously questioning if monogamy is something that humans are supposed to do, and there’s no problem with putting up that question.

But the root issue is where we should go. Why the dissatisfaction?

What’s the real issue?

I think the issue is that sexual energy, by its nature, is extremely unstable and difficult to control; so when we enter into a relationship with someone, we bring with us our unstable sexual energy, and all kinds of problems arise in the relationship. Sometimes, though, the issue is that two people are not really together because they love each other- they’re together for any host of reasons that someone such as myself would find reprehensible.

Holy Matrimony does something that two people, on their own, cannot do- it binds their sexual energy together, a blessing on the two to balance and stabilize their energy, to draw it away from other partners and other people and bring it together to the two of them. Ms. Tweedie explained that what happens is the kundalini of the two people begins to fuse together. And so I have observed this myself.

The problem is that it’s difficult to extricate one’s kundalini from the other person if there is a break-up or a divorce, but that’s another blog.

The point is this: while not married, the energy of the two people is so unbound that the likelihood of something going wrong is much higher. I also think that so many people who get married do so under false pretenses, and so since the Sacrament isn’t being conferred properly, the marriage fails

I’m just rambling at this point. You ignore this blog. I think sexual fulfillment ultimately comes when two people love each other and are married. That’s all I’m saying. And I think sex at that point isn’t just about momentary pleasure, it’s about uniting with that other person, about communicating with them and deepening your companionship.

Beaux


The Continuing Struggle

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Currently, I’m re-reading Bernadette Roberts’s book, What is Self?

One criticism I have of her writings is essentially that, while she goes on at length to explain what exactly Christ and God are, and moreover, what exactly “self” means according to her terminology, the book doesn’t exactly explain what one is supposed to do.

Other readers and some who have attended her retreats have mentioned on websites that they can summarize what they think she’d recommend doing, such as continuing to participate in the Holy Eucharist. With no doubt, the reception of Christ in the Holy Eucharist and its importance to my approach to Christianity was highly influenced by her. This is where the core energy of Christianity is, where it lays, where it’s always been: in the Body and Blood of Christ.

Sufism, too, has been, in part, a let down for me, but the difference is that Sufism doesn’t distract me in the intellectual way that Christianity does. Instead, I’m capable of simply living out the Longing and Love for God, but the problem comes in being able to access that sense of Longing and Love; the lower chakras take up a huge amount of my own personal energy with their damage and traumas and darkness, so for energy to even make it to my heart chakra to create love is amazing.

Love is not limited to one chakra, though; neither are many emotions. This is something that I’ve rarely seen mentioned; one can feel longing in an intellectual sense, in the higher chakras, though this seems counterintuitive to what we would image, and love can also be experienced in the solar plexus chakra. There’s no end to the amazing things one discovers.

But to the point, Sufism, as I have known it, as de-emphasized the lower chakras in favor of the heart chakra. Michael and Kelly made a similar criticize of how modern systems talk about focusing on just the third eye chakra, which one cannot access without going through the lower chakras, and I would daresay this is my own experience, though others may experience things differently.

My first thought about the reason for focusing on the heart chakra and on the third eye chakra is that they’re likely purer than the lower chakras; to awaken the third eye chakra allows a kind of clarity of what the reality in the lower chakras is. Summarily, the lower chakras store old emotional imprints, largely dealing with childhood trauma that became our “template” for interacting with other people, and thus when we encounter those emotions and feelings, we can misinterpret them, or they can be stored in such a way that it affects our bodies negatively.

Going back just a little, Bernadette might well simply point us to the contemplative tradition and to the Holy Eucharist- in fact, I would largely say that these are the two essentials of her take on Christianity. In layman’s terms, we have to meditate and go receive the Holy Eucharist faithfully.

The reality is that if the Roman Catholic Church knew what she was saying, she would likely be excommunicated, plain and simple- especially if her works were to gain any kind of major influence in the Church. She says highly heretical things, many times sounding more Gnostic than Catholic, and she interprets Christian teachings in a radical sort of way while throwing out a lot of the garbage in Christianity. What I mean to express here is that Bernadette doesn’t seem to think Christian teachings are perfect and pure just the way they are, even going so far as to state the Creed is worded incorrectly.

For a clarification of Christianity, for its redemption from what most of the religionists use it as these days, What is Self? is more than adequate, but it doesn’t tell us what to do.

In the same way, Sufism doesn’t explain what to do with the Shadow. I hear a great deal of discussion about the Shadow, about integrating psychology from Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee. What I’ve failed to hear is how to actually do this.

Llewellyn does give a great hint of sorts: the same consciousness that created a problem cannot solve that problem. Thus, the entity and person who created a psycho-spiritual block in our chakras cannot solve it; that is, my best guess is that the level of the mind on which the blockage was created cannot cleanse it. Instead, one must go deeper.

But how do you get a psychological block in one’s chakras to give up its meaning, to explain to you what the actual block is? Maybe it manifests as an eating disorder, as sexual dysfunction, as tiredness, as being prone to illness; how do you get it to tell you exactly what it is and then change how you feel?

That, I think, is the basic and intense psychological work that must be done before we ever get around to the nitty-gritty of discussing things such as the afterlife or the soul, much less self-development and so on.

Bernadette makes a good point: we must not simply try to avoid sinning, we must rid ourselves of any capacity to sin whatsoever, and that’s where Christianity fails as a system. We are told that God will forgive us, over and over again, and that we must try not to sin, but the whole point is that the capacity to sin still exists, and our animal instincts will compel us to do things that we would rather not do at times.

She points out the fact that the Hindu systems seem to suggest the problem is intellectual: if we only saw that the ego is not real and what it is doing to make us unhappy, we would lose it. She criticizes this point a length, yet here I will point out that Vineeto at the Actual Freedom Trust actually said something similar to this. Of course, that would be depicting the AF system poorly and in an oversimplified manner, and for all its flaws and so on, I don’t mean to misrepresent it.

Had I not read something by Osho that said the exact thing that Bernadette did, I would have thought her point grossly oversimplified, but she does explain things in great detail.

I think the issue is this: feelings are the real problem. Our emotional system is vastly more powerful than our intellect, and therefore, thinking something over and over again will not necessarily change damage done at an early age. To exemplify, chanting an affirmation again and again at age 45 will not heal damage done at age 5 unless the affirmation actually changes one’s emotions.

The issue is not just thought restructuring: the issue is emotional restructuring, and for what it’s worth, our modern psychotherapy is absolutely atrocious at this. This explains why my being in therapy for two years did almost zilch to help my social anxiety and that the anxiety that decreased almost always seemed to happen on its own and not because of anything the therapist said or did.

Some people were under the impression that I did better when I was in therapy; I disagree with them. Ultimately what I gather is that people believe that therapy really works well and that my being in therapy was really helping me along. This is not to say that the therapy was completely worthless, but it did show me the limitations of therapy as a whole, and I think the issues I have must be dealt with by someone who actually knows how to heal emotions and not with someone who thinks thinking is where it’s at.

Arguably this happens in mysticism as a whole anyway, but the problem is that it’s cumbersome. Incredibly cumbersome. There don’t seem to be any specific milestones that each person passes through, which is to say that “stage theories” are useless. Sure, we can create a general map, but that map can manifest in wide and varied experiences for each person, so that doesn’t help at all.

I can tell you very well that my main problem is fear, fear of judgment from others, fear of public humiliation. Fear, period. Were I not afraid and not afraid at all, I would have accomplished more in this world than any other person I know. But the fear has held me back, and there’s not necessarily a way to simply stop being afraid. The mind is quite talented at fooling us into thinking that we no longer have fear or doubts or whatever until we are faced with the situation, and then boom, reality sets in.

Dustin, who may as well be dead to me, would respond, “We can’t survive on this level without fear.” FUCK THAT. I would rather die unafraid than to live my life in fear, and on top of that, I think it’s a stupid sentiment to say that we would simply die if we never felt fear. I’m not a blithering idiot. There is a distinction between, say, the torment and suffering caused by the emotion of fear and the body’s instinctual pull away from a hot flame, and he failed to make such a distinction.

This blog has been awfully long, almost equivalent to the length of a chapter in one of my books. That’s because I’ve been working on it for over two hours, off and on, stopping to cook and chat in the middle of it and entirely forgetting about it at other points.

The ultimate point is that I’ve stumbled, in one way or another, on to my own kundalini in a more controlled way than before. Though my second chakra still needs to be “cleaned’ and the blocks released, I’ve found ways to channeling the power through the rest of my body. Maybe all the mystical practices I’ve done before has lead up to this, I’m not sure.

I am aware that at the time I stopped saying the dhikr, an entire crisis erupted in my life, the remains of which I’m still feeling. So the truth is that I learned in the past half year or so that even if one doesn’t immediately see the results and benefits of a practice, they certainly exist. This has been mentioned here before, I’m sure, but I thought I would repeat myself as it fit contextually.

If I had a bit more certainty, if I was even released from anxiety, I think I would have less of an issue at this point. Even the erasure of anxiety without the erasure of the entire “self” would be enough for my own happiness, I think.

God…or Whatever…help.

Beaux


Less Peace.

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Way more tension in the body today; not nearly as much peace.

Somewhere around the Hrit chakra seems to be the absolute source of all the stress in my body and mind. I’m not exactly sure what it means, but by keeping my awareness on it for long period of time, I can eventually begin to seem some clearness in it. The clearing away of the chakra pushed energy up to the heart, and of course I had a momentary fear that I might induce a heart attack by focusing on the energy.

The energy seems to largely be trapped between the Hrit chakra and the Manipura chakra as well. I felt a little energy coming down through the Manipura chakra but didn’t feel much energy coming up the spine. Strange stuff.

Last night, I had a strange impression that we all are part of the Buddha’s body. There exists a kind of eternal body of which we are only a part, and at death, we simply return to the whole body. Maybe this is incorrect, and maybe I’ll have a deeper insight later on, but that was the momentary understanding of things.

I’m continuing to focus on doing all the things I enjoy doing throughout the course of each day. This helps me to balance responsibility with pleasure and helps me to focus on improving myself, moment by moment. Sometimes I see myself going a little overboard with some things and being too slack in others, but that’s okay at the onset- eventually the best possible combination will be attained, and things will be incredibly nifty.

Beaux


Sleeping Well after Chakra Meditation

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For the first time in as long as I can remember, I slept for a full eight hours without waking up once. Typically, if I awaken, I know that I’ve only been asleep a few hours. So imagine my surprise to have awoken today and realized I had been asleep for so many hours without waking up at all!

I’ve continued to do my meditations on the chakras. The new meditations I’ve found deal directly with the chakras and kundalini. While meditating, I managed to relax a great deal, and I’ve found this is the case when I’m doing a guided meditation instead of trying to meditate on my own.

If I meditate on my own, I can make it so far into meditation, and then my mind begins to chatter. But if I have an external focus, such as the chanting, then my mind slows down and I relax to an incredible degree that I don’t typically know.

That relaxation is what caused me to sleep so well last night. That’s strange, to know that I don’t relax even when I sleep.

But the best part is that I didn’t wake up with the feeling of needing to sleep more, or the feeling that I hadn’t really slept at all. I actually rested.

Needless to say, I’ll be doing those meditations again and will be posting them here.

Beaux


Chakra Diary Update

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The chakra bootcamp idea failed as soon as I discovered that the other chakra meditation videos upon which I happened were not also 10 minutes in length. They’re each between three and four minutes, and this honestly caused a problem for me.

So far, I’ve made it up to meditating with the solar plexus and have had decent results with the meditations. These past several days, I’ve felt more energetic, more stable, happier, more creative, and more productive.

On the flip side of things, it’s apparent that a number of Shadow tendencies have appeared, mainly in my dreams. I seem to experience a great deal of anger and hatred that I don’t normally see in my waking life. Bhai Sahib once said that many of our karmas are purged in our dreams.

The oddest thing to me is that, for once, I am happy to awaken and be up in the day. My days are pleasurable, my days are peaceful, happy, but my dreams bring all kinds of terrifying realities to them. For once in my life, I have come to a point where I’ve been able to accept more fully my ego-personality, a point where I’ve been able to actually like myself and create myself and, in the words of my friend Michele, experience “becoming” instead of just simply being whatever. There is a definite hand of the inner energy into creating this new person, and though I may fall shy of some of the goals I have, I think ultimately I can only improve. Thank God for it.

Chanting is something I also do frequently these days; my japa mala has come in incredible handy at this point. I do a few different chants each day, for different purposes- some are more geared towards self-empowerment, while others are geared towards compassionate help to others.

I keep wondering if the sexual energy is being transformed at all, and I should hope so.

The Grace of God has been with us today, but not as strongly as before. If I pay attention, I can just barely sense that the peace is running like a deep, deep stream in the earth, but it isn’t readily available or the most apparent feature of my experience. We’ll see what happens, what’s going to happen. I can’t wait.

Beaux