Legitimate Fear

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One of my so-called legitimate fears at the moment is that I’m not experiencing the Dark Night of the Soul or any such mystical trial; indeed, I fear that perhaps my lack of feeling life within me, the sense of emptiness, the lack of the longing and yearning in my heart and in my stomach is all indicative of something: I’m just getting older, becoming an adult, and like all adults, I simply am not as inspired or full of life as I once was.


I don’t know if this is really the case or not, and I certainly haven’t made any kind of conscious decision for this to happen.


Yet here I am.


Sometimes I have dreams- I would call them nightmares- where I feel the true burden of the tightness in my shoulders and chest, a painful, woeful cry that erupts from my soul that “LOVE DOES NOT EXIST! ALL IS LOST! ABANDON ALL HOPE!” The pain in those dreams is so strong that if I were to feel it in waking life with any duration of time longer than a few minutes, I would probably, and I mean this quite seriously, kill myself as soon as I could.


It’s not that I don’t enjoy my life; I do. But the Longing always indicated SOMETHING MORE. And without that SOMETHING MORE, things fall apart; everything is grey and empty.


Perhaps I really am depressed and refuse to admit it or have repressed my sense of depression so much that I can’t feel it in ordinary consciousness. I’m really not sure anymore.


Maybe this is the slow death of the ego in which the true self is born. Maybe nothing is actually happening, and nothing will happen, and all is lost. I have no option but to go forward- if I can go forward. My greatest fear is that I have stagnated and will simply succumb to the same destiny as all other adults seemingly do.


God, help me.




Pain and Depth

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Pain forced a growth in me, a change, a reassessment, a movement that I had otherwise not expected.

The Spiral Path is frustrating because I go around and around and around. At some point in time, I’m going to find the center of it all and stop spiraling, whatever that may mean.

Troy told me that it gets easier with time. God, I can only hope so.
Death and life, are they not the same? What is the truth here? I can see something I couldn’t see before.
I’m in love, and the Prophet is taking that love and killing me with it.
But I want this pain. I want the pain. I WANT IT. Because I know the pain of loss, this emptiness, this missing, the sheer longing, marks something meaningful, points to something good, points to something that what was what I wanted and have wanted and should want, and…

…if God so wills that I should be in agony, then I will surrender to it. God, if this is what YOU want, then I’ll accept it. I may need to cry, I may need to try to distract myself at times, but if this is YOU, then I’ll take this stabbing knife feeling in my chest a thousandfold.

Take me to the point of almost dying, of my heart almost stopping from being too full of longing and love and depth and meaningfulness and YOU. I would rather die trying than to live my life as an emotionless, dimwitted, conformist zombie.
God, the world is in crisis. Help before it is too late!