Dear 2010

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2010 has been one horrible year.

I lost a friend to suicide. He was once a potential boyfriend. But now he’s gone.

I had a failed relationship.

I made the Biggest Mistake I’ve Ever Made in My Life.

I lost at least two more friends because of drama and bullshit, and probably more than that without realizing it.

I managed to screw around and not finish writing my second book.

I had to realize that the people I care about can change, and that I was holding on to the image of some people as to who they were to me in the past, and that the past image of that person was long dead and gone. I had to face that people change, and I had to face my own darkness, my own evil, along with the evil inherent in other people.

There have been good aspects to the year, too- like finding Tyler, like having a Wii, that fact that I’ve been a vegetarian for over a year, the fact that I meditated almost every day for a year, and the fact that I managed to keep at least one of my New Year’s Resolutions- the only one (I think) being that I’ve kept a daily short diary of small events that happened throughout each day for the entire year. I also went to Mass at the Episcopal Church for the first time. These are all good things.

Tonight, I will be able to go back, read my diary, and see what exactly transpired during the course of 2010. Also, I feel I’ll be able to chop up the entire year into a few different sections.

Either way, this entire year has been mostly one continuous shitfest, until things started drastically slowing down in October- and they seemed to slow down for everyone at that point in time, including my friends like Caleb. Things became a little better, a little brighter.

So 2010, this is what I have to say to you, after the hell you put me through: suck my balls. Seriously. 2011 has got to be better than you by virtue of just how awful you were. In fact, you may actually have been worse than 2008, and 2008 is the worst year of my life on record so far. You’re neck-in-neck at the moment, but I have a feeling that you’re pretty close to that year.

Also, this year I quit going to therapy, because my therapist increasingly seemed to be focused on the notion that all my problems came down to my not putting Jesus at the center of my life as opposed to anything else.

That’s what I get for having a therapist who’s not as intelligent as I am. We did get along well, we did relate, but he helped me as much as he could, and after that threshold, there was no point in going to him and dropping $40 an hour for him to tell me some watered down Christian counselor bullshit that wasn’t going to actually change me in any substantial way.

I know this blog may not seem entirely focused, but I’m in a pretty dark place within myself, having not had a good rest last night, and one thing about me is that I seriously require a lot of sleep in order for my moods to be in balance and in order for me to be able to think clearly and properly. That just apparently isn’t going to happen today. Also, I took benadryl, which didn’t help me very much.

The weather outside is dark and dreary looking. Maybe this is a good reflection of how I’m feeling.

Most of all, in 2010, I also had to learn to be honest with myself, and being honest with one’s self is extremely difficult, especially when you really really really believe something or want to believe something.

But then I also learned what it feels like to embrace how I truly feel about something.

Anyway, I welcome 2011. I welcome 2011, my own personal heaven, with open arms to be a bigger, better, and brighter future.

Beaux


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On Being Concise/Relating to Memoirs of My Religion

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Years ago, because of the sheer voluminous amounts of reading I had to go in response to losing my religion, I came upon the tendency to write rather verbosely, such to the extent that many people questioned my age or assumed I was far older than I actually was.

In time, people came to criticize my style of writing- wordy and long-winded, saying that they “shouldn’t have to read sheer paragraphs full of words they didn’t recognize” every time I had a response or statement to make.

So I took this advice and set out to become more concise with my style of writing.

Now I realize that this was a failure as well, in that being excessively brief in writing when one needs to be painfully clear on what one means will almost always result in people misunderstanding, misinterpreting, and abusing one’s words.

Thus for my religion blog, I will certainly clarify things, I will certainly be as long-winded as I wish, and anyone who wishes to know precisely where I stand on a given issue or on matters theological or liturgical will need look no further than my written words, posted on the internet for the whole world to see; everything will be spelled out in black and white, written pristinely, and any edits or future changes in perspective based on observations, education, reason, and experience will hereto be added.

Recently, online, I have been involved in a few different debates with people I can only term as “nasty Christians.” The nature of the arguments could not really be had, as there would be too much for me to argue on my end, too much information to give them, too much to point out, and the end result would not be worth it. To argue with someone that one does not know to no real end is ultimately fruitless and, more so to the point, against my principles as a mystic.

Thus, I am torn when I see people spewing vile and wicked things, pure hate in the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ, whether by racism, misogyny, homophobia, fundamentalism, or any other evil that has masqueraded as “orthodoxy” and “tradition.” I feel helpless and outraged, and the need to speak out arises in me; alas, I realize it is the inner change, the Great Work and Transformation of the Soul that will ultimately cause the change I seek, not the attempt to convert others to my particular vantage point.

So, too, I am barred from responding by the sheer number of words I would need to make an accurate and appropriate response! Attempting to argue with fools is one of the most dismal feelings in the world; I would ultimately suggest to not engage in the argument at all, as your energy would be better spent cooking or writing.

Beaux