More about Veils, the Body, and Reality

Leave a comment

I may get letters for this entry, too, but I’m posting it anyway.

It’s quite possible that, during the course of humanity, we’ve developed completely wrong mental “maps” of how things work.

That’s okay, though.

This is the way I am currently conceiving of things, and I have to explain it in such a way as is in accordance with my own experience. Some of the terminology came while in the process of Contemplative Prayer, and I’ll have to work to adjust it accordingly; please try to bear with me.

Continuing on with my concept of “veils” that I posted yesterday, today, while contemplating (or meditating), I had the sense that reality is structured in this way: our own sense of self or ego works as a veil that keeps us separated from the world around us but also from the true nature of our body.

The true nature of our body and the true nature of reality are both occluded.

But then our body, too, is a kind of veil, veiling us from what I call our Big Body. Now, of course, the issue that I can’t explain here is how one knows that one has a body larger than one at this time, yet in the contemplative prayer, I could very well see it. This may be the very “spiritual body” mentioned in Christianity.

The Big Body, then, is the veil between us and the Body of Christ, and Christ is the veil between our Big Body and the Father.

Now, I should point out a few things; I am indeed suggesting that we have no spirit or soul that “pops out” when we die. But I am not suggesting that we therefore have no continuity after the apparent death of our body; rather, I am stating that the death of our body is the falling away of a veil to reveal something even more real.

The big issue that arises at this point comes up to the notion of various supernatural entities and spirits and so forth, and how they could possibly exist. I am not suggesting non-corporeal entities don’t exist, either; I’m simply saying, humans are not that kind of entity or creature. We’re something eternal and substantial.

But then, I could be wrong about all this. Something about it seems so unique, so right, so fresh, that I can’t help but be excited that I’ve somewhat haphazardly stumbled upon this little gem.

The experience of the “Big Body” as I’m temporarily calling it is an experience of absolute confidence and absolute security. One is HELD, one is KEPT, one is CONTENT, and one may also be said to be FREE.

Perhaps the “Big Body” experience is what is meant by the “Higher Self.” But this doesn’t feel like ethereal or wispy, and maybe it all comes around to my sense of being mistaken about what others have meant by “Higher Self” all this time.

It’s quite possible I’m the one who got it all wrong and now am seeing what was really meant.

More later.


The Most Terrifying Mystical Experience I’ve Ever Had

Leave a comment

This morning, sometime after 4 AM, I had the single most terrifying mystical experience I’ve ever had, something I’ve never encountered for this prolonged period of time before, something that is inexplicable and that I haven’t encountered in the literature or documentation.

Something disappeared- perhaps we could say the ego, maybe we could even say the Self, though I will be the first to say that I still had a sense of emotions, so my thoughts were that the Self still existed somewhere. But something definitely ended, at least temporarily, and this was terrifying.

The boundaries between myself and the rest of reality became unclear; I may as well have been the room observing the body of Stevo walk around. Now, I want to point out, there wasn’t a sense of having been projected “out” of my body- that’s not what I mean, so don’t offer an explanation of astral projection. What I mean is that I could have been the pillow my head was on or the ceiling fan for all it mattered- the distinction, the boundary, was completely gone.

My main concern was that my body might die this way, that something might happen, and that I might be unable to survive. But I turned to God, and I said that in life and in death, I belong to Him, because that’s what mattered. Even if I were to die, I would die belonging to God.

The experience was terrifying because I had no idea where it came from- it just suddenly was as I got up to go to the bathroom, and I was astonished, or something was astonished, at what was going on.

Needless to say, this makes the mystery of what a human being is exactly even more profound, because we’re certainly more than we appear to be.

Eventually, the ego returned, and I finally went to sleep. But during the time that it was gone, I can’t totally remember what happened or what I did, except for being in bed and watching this no-ego state go on. Quite strange, if you ask me, to not know the difference between me and the bed and the room around me.


The Falling Away of the Christ Archetype and the Realm of False Gods: Reflections


For the third time in my life, Christianity has become this muddled, lost Void of confusion, and I don’t know what to do.

But the insight that I’ve had with it this time is incredibly interesting.

Among my group of mystics, we discuss how we pick up the energy of other people who are around us. This is a difficult point of the journey, where we’re strong enough to sense the energy and emotional states of others but not necessarily strong enough to keep ourselves from absorbing the energy.

The reason we absorb the energy seems to stem from a number of sources. Rarely is anything ever so linear, rarely is anything simply the consequence of one thing. The layers, here, will be considered.

First, it is possible that we take on the negativity of others as a matter of purging ourselves of karma as well as purging others of karma. Perhaps it is a method of purification.

But more likely than that, it is that we take the energy into ourselves because we become of aware of it and are without a means of defending ourselves, at least in the psychological sense.

The reason for this happening is simple. In our culture, the predominant image of the Self, the archetype that resonates most profoundly with us, is Jesus Christ. The whole process of taking the energy of others into ourselves and thus suffering in their place is synonymous with the vicarious atonement of Christ, who takes on the “sins of mankind” and then serves as the sacrifice for them.

To realize that I had been encountering this archetype for so long and that I was doing just that blew my mind. I realized I had been taking into myself the karmas and energies of others for such a long time, in the process of my concern with other people, their problems, their thoughts and opinions, and so on and so forth. This, coupled with my realization of having forsaken myself, all fit together- I had been unconsciously living a quintessentially Christian life, as to die for the sins of others makes one quite Christ-like.

However, the real problem lies in that there was never a true death. My ego has not died, nor my Higher Self. Thus what was happening was the equivalent of being nailed to the cross and suffering endlessly, with never a moment of completing the sacrifice and the overall purgation of the karmas/sin.

This means that some vital information about Christianity was left out as this particular image of Christ had formed inside of me, and that I was never given the strength, energy, information, or what have you to finish the sacrifice and push onwards.

So the Christ archetype, or image or what have you, had to go, or has to go.

Upon reflection, I wondered if maybe this was not the archetype of Christ that was going, but rather that I was rebelling against an image of Christ, a falsely created image that had been impressed upon me through Christian theology early on.

I cannot say that I am completely out of the control of the image or know at this point if it’s even possible for me to be free from its control.

Mostly, the problems lately and especially those dealing with Christ have focused on the Svadisthana chakra, which is the sacral or second chakra up from the bottom of the human body. This chakra roughly corresponds to the second seven years of one’s own life, from ages 7 to 14, and it is, in fact, in those years that I was most conditioned with fundamentalist Christianity and blinded by the darkness thereof.

So the question of what’s going on is still in my mind. I do know that things have to change, and that I cannot take on the responsibility of other people’s problems and negative energies at this point- I am not capable of doing that, I am not strong enough to do that, I cannot solve it and always be the strong one, for it seems too often that I’m in need of the savior but am forced to be not only my own savior but that of other people.

That doesn’t mean compassion is tossed to the wayside or completely neglected. Rather, it means that my default mode of interacting with the world cannot be one in which people’s energy hits me without my consent. Instead, I must be able to stand my ground, have my energy be as powerful and good as possible, and help them in that way.

I’m not Jesus. And I don’t want to be Christ-like at this point if it means that my entire world is constantly destroyed. If I have no sanity, if I have no energy of my own, then how can I possibly help anyone else? This is a very difficult thing to admit to myself and to anyone else, and no doubt it would upset any number of Christian friends of mine to hear me make these statements.

But perhaps the reality of the situation is much different. Bernadette Roberts insists that Christ was born enlightened, into the unitive state, and thus his sacrifice was actually the entry into the No-Self state and not into the No-Ego state. By that token, my understanding of Christ, as far as the one that’s been affecting me, has been completely and utterly incorrect this whole time, and now is the time to expel the image.

Maybe this is what is meant by “false gods” and “idols” in the Ten Commandments. I’m not sure, though.

The other day, I read an article that was criticizing Anne Rice about her leaving the Catholic Church. The writer, a rather nasty Catholic, insisted that Anne was now “free to do what Protestants have been doing for 500 years- create Jesus in her own image.”

Excuse me, but let’s be quite frank here: the Catholic Church, too, has created “Jesus in their own image,” so how dare he make any such statement about Anne and Protestants? The Catholic Jesus only exists because the heretics were killed off or went into hiding, and indeed, the Church has a problem with spewing its ideas about Holiness and confusing Holiness with Authoritarianism.

However, I am highly sympathetic to Catholics in general, but I have huge problems with the Priesthood and the theologians who actually don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.

But what would Christ mean, then, on His own terms? The whole theological matter seems to be rather wide open at this point, and I think if it is important, it will be revealed later on to me.

That’s enough for now.