2008-like Falling Away Desolation Repeat

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This is a repeat of that situation, of that phenomenon that happened back in 2008 when all my Christianity and mystical ideals fell away.

Now that I am here, in the midst of it, I can describe it. There is a sense of meaninglessness, a sense of a void, a sense of emptiness in the universe, in myself, and in the fabric of reality. There is not even the intense longing to speak of; there is only a sense of pain, dull in the heart, though this could be longing of some form, but it is not strong at all.

I cannot tell you who I am. “Stevo” means relatively little at this point. Instead, here is a human, typing these words, and who, or perhaps what, he is is a mystery.

There is a sense of dying at some point. There is a sense of my giving into death. This isn’t frightening. On the contrary, it just seems ordinary, perfunctory, even, and so I allow it to just go ahead. So what if I die? Nothing more can happen then.

There is no sense of God. There is no sense of anything in the world other than the physical universe, and even then it is completely devoid of anything purposeful. One could try to wonder and be fascinated and intrigued by all things, but that simply isn’t a part of this experience.

There is no sense of a spiritual dimension of reality. Please understand, I am not saying that it does not exist or that it is not part of this physical world. I am not making any kind of presuppositions. I am merely typing and reporting this experience, as it happens.

There’s a distinct sensation of almost pain inside of my brain, deep inside of it, perhaps around the thalamus or hypothalamus, but I cannot be sure. It isn’t an outright pain, but there’s the threat of a pain, if you can grasp that.

The world seems devoid of purpose and meaning. I’ve already said this, but allow me to make that quite clear.

I know where I am, I know the person that I am, allegedly, but again, there is no feeling or connection to that person. Thinking of people I have loved, there is only a faint sensation of knowing who they are and that I loved them. Thus, there is a feeling-sensation, but the actual feeling seems distant, though I cannot say I have consciously or willfully “detached” myself from the feeling; instead, the feeling seems to not be able to fully and completely appear in the first place.

Perhaps this is the so-called “veil” of God. I can imagine that this nothingness may be. There is only a faint sense of desolation here, but that is the most salient characteristic emotionally speaking.

My head hurts. The pain is there, but I’m not suffering from it. That can explain things, in a way.

I’ll end this now.



The Teacher is Nothing

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So in this dream, I was talking to Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee, who was my teacher. He was in a bathroom, and I could hear his voice- and he was telling me about something that did not matter, something trivial that I had read earlier in the day.

Upon reaching the bathroom, I knew he was in the last stall, and that he was about to come out. However, because I was dreaming, and I knew I was dreaming, I was afraid of what might appear. I had no idea- it could be an alien, it could be something monstrous, and so I was terrified.

But I knew that whatever appeared, I would face it. I stood, staring, waiting, as the stall opened, and then…

…there was nothing. Nothing came out.

That’s when I realized that the Teacher is nothing but Nothingness- Nothing there, No One there.

Surprisingly, that’s much less terrifying than aliens, but also much less comprehensible.


The Great Nothing

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AUTHOR’S NOTE: I wrote this a few days ago, then decided not to publish it because it was so late. But here I am now, publishing it, so it isn’t quite as current as it looks. That doesn’t undermine the importance of it.

An experience I’ve had but twice happened upon me today, and this was the second time said experience happened.

The first time, it happened like a crack of thunder due to a synchronicity, and I was catapulted into a no-man’s land of voids.

This time, it crept up on me, over the course of a few days; the preceding days have seen me somewhat irate, so it was good to know that the irritation was ultimately indicative of something happening.

When this experienced happened the first time, I had a synchronicity dealing with an old lover, a statement made by Meister Eckhart, and a song in which that quote was found. At this point in time, I had been interested in Gnosticism/Catholicism for almost two years, and in the course of a few seconds, my entire world view came crashing down around me in shambles.

Suddenly, there was no God, there was no Christ, there was not value in anything- with the exception of that one person I had loved. This experience continued for a few days, I came out of it, and went back to my spiritual pursuits.

That time, in a way, I fought agains the experience with an intellectualization of it. This time, I didn’t fight it- I simply embraced it, knowing that it wasn’t the end, that this Great Meaningless Void is more like a veil, not an end in itself.

The Great Meaningless Emptiness just suddenly happened upon me, and all the friendly and beautiful notions and abstractions about spirituality and mysticism fell away. And I let them fall away. I let my concepts of God fall away, all those things.

Slowly, they’re returning, but not because I’m forcing them to. I’m just riding with my feelings, with my emotions, with my thoughts, and seeing what happens. I am merely an observer in all this.

The Great Dark Meaninglessness isn’t hurting my feelings or bothering me, either. It’s simply there, and I’m slowly moving inside it and then away from it again.

What does it all mean? Maybe I’ll find out, maybe I won’t.