The past few nights have been awful. A good meditation is followed by a failed attempt to sleep, and then I awaken after only sleeping a few hours, which then leads me to a state of working on myself and accepting my Shadow and emotions, and then I can’t return to sleep for several hours. The whole process is horrific.

Twice last night, I asked my dreams to take me to the subconscious mind. The first time, I was met with darkness- just blankness, nothing really there. The second time, I saw light, and then when I demanded to be taken to the subconscious mind, something in my head seemed to crack open, and I heard a strange noise that I’ve never heard in waking life and saw an even brighter light. I realized the light couldn’t have been from my room, which is what caused me to continue to press towards it. The extremely bright light terrified me so much that it knocked me back into waking mind, and that was that.

Tonight I went in search of a self-communion ritual and found one, then Erik supplied me with another. Taking prayers from both of the rites, I created my own and put together as many elements of the Mass as I could. There are THREE DIFFERENT PARTS to the consecration, and after I said Mass, I checked the music and saw I had been doing the Mass for about 20 minutes or so. Amazing that it took that long but seemed more like five minutes. So many prayers to say, so many gestures to do!

Now, this of course would create a conflict in many people’s minds, as I am not a priest and have not received the sacrament of Holy Orders. But SOMETHING happened in the ritual, as I now feel very dizzy and have a good bit of anxiety. That’s not a terrible thing, and it’s decreasing, and no, I didn’t drink a great deal of the wine, either- only enough for me as I was the only one receiving the Blood, just a bit of a swallow, really. I can’t begin to imagine what I would’ve done to cause this to happen.

Anyway, at least I know the Personal Communion Ritual works and is fairly powerful from what I can tell.

More to come.