Chakra Diary Update

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The chakra bootcamp idea failed as soon as I discovered that the other chakra meditation videos upon which I happened were not also 10 minutes in length. They’re each between three and four minutes, and this honestly caused a problem for me.

So far, I’ve made it up to meditating with the solar plexus and have had decent results with the meditations. These past several days, I’ve felt more energetic, more stable, happier, more creative, and more productive.

On the flip side of things, it’s apparent that a number of Shadow tendencies have appeared, mainly in my dreams. I seem to experience a great deal of anger and hatred that I don’t normally see in my waking life. Bhai Sahib once said that many of our karmas are purged in our dreams.

The oddest thing to me is that, for once, I am happy to awaken and be up in the day. My days are pleasurable, my days are peaceful, happy, but my dreams bring all kinds of terrifying realities to them. For once in my life, I have come to a point where I’ve been able to accept more fully my ego-personality, a point where I’ve been able to actually like myself and create myself and, in the words of my friend Michele, experience “becoming” instead of just simply being whatever. There is a definite hand of the inner energy into creating this new person, and though I may fall shy of some of the goals I have, I think ultimately I can only improve. Thank God for it.

Chanting is something I also do frequently these days; my japa mala has come in incredible handy at this point. I do a few different chants each day, for different purposes- some are more geared towards self-empowerment, while others are geared towards compassionate help to others.

I keep wondering if the sexual energy is being transformed at all, and I should hope so.

The Grace of God has been with us today, but not as strongly as before. If I pay attention, I can just barely sense that the peace is running like a deep, deep stream in the earth, but it isn’t readily available or the most apparent feature of my experience. We’ll see what happens, what’s going to happen. I can’t wait.


Odd Chakra

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I’m encountering and experiencing a chakra that’s located between the Solar Plexus and the Heart Chakra. Upon doing some research, I discovered this is known as the Hrit chakra. I’ll have to do more research to really understand it, but perhaps this is the so-called “hidden heart chakra” of which I’ve heard.

Well, it seems that the mind continually must expand to accommodate higher and higher levels of consciousness. Perhaps the assumption that one has made it to the highest level of consciousness is always an illusion; is there never an end to the journey?

We’ll see.


Root Chakra Meditation

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A key thing to always remember in any kind of spirituality is practice, practice, practice. Don’t worry about the dogma, don’t worry about the theoretical framework- just do the practice, and see what happens in accordance with the actions.

3 AM-ish Ramblings and the Ides of March

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A number of wonderful things have begun happening recently, a number of beautiful synchronicities and the wonderful things that these signs bring.

Problems abound, but there’s no reason and no time to worry about those. Instead, I have to focus, alas, on myself- and on the others who are resonating with me. Leave it to God and the inner vibrations to attract and repel people to and from you.

We must always progress forward consciously. Time is of the essence, and we must use it wisely and wholly and fully.

Where am I inside myself? Somewhere that I’m finally beginning to accept the ego, which is the only way for me to dissolve it. Or rather, it is the only way to allow the ego to be dissolved by God. That sounds more accurate.

So now I understand that I have to set goals and boundaries for myself, inside myself, and that it’s okay to be flexible, but there should still be something there to help ground me.

The energy on the way home tonight was familiar; this is the energy of changing tides, an energy that comes right before something happens, and something good at that. The preparatory energy, as it were. Perhaps this another form of the Grace of God, and this is a form I have felt specifically on four occasions of which I know.

The Ides of March is especially going to be important.

I constantly question if my decisions and movements are the right ones. I wonder why things happen the way they do. My heart breaks, but I have to keep going. Intestinal fortitude is incredibly important.

Heartbreak has forced me to grow inside myself. Heartbreak has forced me to mature. Until you have known that bitter world of utter desolation in which there is nothing but a grey sky and rocky ground in all the psychic territory around you, you cannot know what it is like. But it is there that the greatest Alchemist changes your lead into gold, and though I wish it were not so, it is the truth, pure and simple.

Not everyone must go through this. But the Sufi must.

I think the major problem with forming a specific mystical map is that mysticism’s maps are extremely rough and general. Perhaps we can outline what happens to the person in a general sense, certain stages that each person will pass through, but this a huge area, and we may not all pass through the same territory, experience the same things, and benefit the world in the same way.

That does not take away our role of importance. Each of us is important, whether or not we realize it, and perhaps our importance is not something that we can fully and completely know.

I, for one, am not keen on the idea of waiting around. I am not keen on the idea of not going all the way. I am not keen on the idea of accepting a half-assed enlightenment.

But I’m also not keen on accepting the dogma of others. Obviously what others have said in terms of dogma and doctrine and presupposition has so often failed that anything that one says in this regard requires examination, reflection, and sometimes an altered view.

And that’s okay.

One thing that bothers me in this day and age are the platitudes that people spew out. Things such as, “Oh, just accept who you are!” and so on really bother me.

Being a person who has encountered a low-esteem and battled with it his entire life, I’m well aware of what it means to not love one’s self. The oft-cited example I have is when I was 6th grade and the teacher of my history class asked if anyone in the room didn’t love themselves, and then proceeded to ask us to raise our hands. In this moment, I lied, for I did not raise my hand, but it was true- I was 11 years old and did not love myself.

The reality is that the concept of “loving myself” was not even present, not even the slightest degree. I didn’t like myself, and how much less did I love myself?

There can come a point inside an individual in which they are generally a mature, healthy person who reasonably cares about themselves and others. This is something of an ideal, and there’s a point where one can see one’s own true specialness and wholeness and completeness; one sees that’s one very existence is an awesome and incredible phenomenon, and that being here, in this world, as this mortal body, is a fantastic feat of the cosmos.

But such experiences rarely last or persist for too terribly long.

Loving one’s self is difficult because we first have to figure out if who we are is who we’re meant to be, or if we’ve created a false self. This is my situation- the person I have been “trained” to be is not the person I wish to be or portray or express; the huge problem, as I’ve always said, is the gap between the “inner” awesome me and the seeming perceptions that others have of me in a social sense.

It would likely be impossible to project to others who one really is in every single moment of every single day, if for no other reason than other humans would misunderstand the reality one was expressing because of their own bias and perceptual filters.

But at the very least, one could be reassured that this energy was what one was displaying, and that if the other people around one misunderstand that, it was their problem and not one’s own.

The next problem encountered is the energy level required in order to continue that expression of one’s self. The body, seemingly, can simply not handle it. There is not enough energy in the body to keep it up; one eventually comes to a point where one is exhausted and falls into the easiest patterns, which should not be confused with the most authentic or truest ones.

And what is there to say of the moments of identity loss? What is there to say of moments of such peace that it doesn’t matter either way? These all complicate the issues of trying to live as an individual in the society, and that’s okay, too.

The Ides of March is coming, and the Black Fire is howling; the Grace of God is descending, and now is the time to appeal to the Earth-Father and Aphrodite Urania and Eros Urania.


A Piece of the Puzzle

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It seems to me that every religion and spiritual path through which I’ve journeyed has inevitably carried a clue or piece of the great puzzle to overall life, and it is on this foundation that I see how my life is carried forward in the experience of the Divine.

Fundamentalist Christianity showed me first the dark side of the religion- people could easily be deluded while meaning well, people who were corrupted on one level might well be loving on another level and so on.

Paganism and Wicca showed me the virtue of ritual, symbolism, and a deep, profound love for nature and material reality- that life is something to be celebrated, that there is a cycle to everything, and that when we live in tune with the cycle, we come to a deeper harmony in ourselves. Paganism taught me that the Divine is immanent and not exclusively transcendent, and that we are capable of encountering the Divine within nature and also of using magic, of being able to cause things to happen around us without directly physically touching them with our body.

Hinduism and Buddhism taught me that reality can be broken down into philosophical abstractions, that meditation and concentrating the mind can lead to a deeper clarity of things, that insight can come from a direct experience and not simply from blind belief.

Various schools of philosophy, notably Existentialism, taught me again about the wonder of reality, but from an intellectual angle as opposed to a feeling angle (which is likely more of the Pagan influence.) I have been able to greater accept my own existence, my personality, and a search for a place in the world and how everything fits together in intellectual terms.

Sufism brought back to me the Love of God, the ease and simplicity of spirituality, how things need not be complicated and that an elaborate ritual is not necessary for everything. Sufism brought me to the true art of Zen “being in the moment,” and Sufism taught me to honor Beauty, Love, and Truth as a Holy Trinity.

Finally, Gnosticism and Catholicism have taught me again that the truth of everything can be found in Christianity, in my own backyard, in my own garden, right in front of me. The symbols, memes, and meanings inherent in Christianity that are beyond the grasp of the established orthodoxy are understood by the enlightened man. Everything makes sense now; everything lines up in a way that it did not before.

I do wonder sometimes if I’m forcing a paradigm of reality that isn’t actually real, but here again, that is the difference between the Finger and the Moon at which the Finger points. What many people fail to realize is one still needs the Finger to find the Moon in the first place- I think many people miss that part. There is a time for practices and prayers, and there is a time when they are no longer necessary.

But the question is this: is my consistent pursuit through a specific tradition a force-fitting of reality into a paradigm that isn’t necessary, or is the reflection of an honest and heart-felt seeking? The truth is that sometimes, I simply don’t have the same regards for Christianity. I already understand it all in mystical terms and in archetypal terms, and thus I am likely outside the realm of mainstream Christians; I’m not opposed to that fact, in all reality, I’m not one to want to be lumped in with the nutters of any religion.

I could write more, but I think I have spoken enough for tonight.


Customization Fiend Beaux and More Fantastic Ramblings

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There’s something strange about the way that I love to customize things. When you have options, when you have multiple ways that you can create and make something, it becomes endless and challenging.

Such was the case when I had my PC years ago, and I was customizing it, oddly enough, to look like a Mac. The whole process was fun, but then it also never ended- no matter what I did, I could never create the “ideal” that I wanted to create. Eventually I had to accept that no matter what I did, my PC would not be a Mac, but man, it sure was close, and lovely at that.

Now I’m customizing my chat client, Adium. Adium is a great multi-protocol chat client, and the website offers all kinds of plug-ins and customizations.

I’ve found sound schemes from Super Mario Brothers, the Legend of Zelda, and best of all, Earthbound. It’s something that I almost couldn’t believe.

Yet I can’t get everything arranged just to how I want it. This is the problem- having options can complicate things really quickly, and it becomes easy to overanalyze and stress one’s self out.

To bring this to the topic of spirituality, I think that’s rather a problem we run into with spirituality- there are just too many paths that are laid out, and it’s too easy to want to customize our paths. While it is indeed true that each of us is unique and will walk the path differently, we’re still going to end up walking to the same Truth, so our paths must somewhere overlap.

Sometimes a religion doesn’t give the proper outlet to one, and I think that if the proper outlets are absent, then the truth we’re seeking cannot be reached. Instead, we’ll be ever trapped, looking over guard rails into the Garden of Eden.

But there is also something that worries me in trying to break a system down when it’s already together and at least appears to be in tact or coherent. Why destroy something that already makes sense?

Because it isn’t telling you the Truth. That’s the why.

The systems, all of them, are ultimately a means to an end and not an end in itself. Bernadette Roberts seems to suggest that the Holy Eucharist is an end in itself, the Absolute Truth, and not a means to an end, and she may well be right. I’m not sure if I agree with her, though.

But it is also true that without the systems and paths, we cannot begin to express the Absolute Truth. We can try, yes, but it’s difficult, and we end up with statements such as my saying that it was like being friends with every atom in the universe.

Yes, like being friends with every atom in the universe, but that doesn’t explain everything that was going on, and the simile was just the closest conception I had during the experience.

Dharma Overground is an interesting site that deals with a concept near and dear to my heart: they aren’t concerned so much with the theological and theoretical framework as they are with the actual techniques that are used. This is something I’ve been saying for years- the practice of the religion is what is important, the actions and methods one takes, not the framework, which typically is somewhat outdated anyway.

This is why I think Catholic traditions trump Protestant traditions- there’s actually something that you do, as in the sacraments, instead of it just being a theoretical framework. The modern Gnostics have largely gotten this right- the theoretical framework in which Gnostics find themselves is a backdrop of sorts, a reference point, a context, but the emphasis is actually on the sacraments and contemplative prayer.

So, too, is this the case with Bernadette Roberts- she, much in the same way as I, wondered for a long time if she could even be Christian in whatever sense because of some of the terrible teachings of the Church. To this her father responded that the Church does not ask us to understand the faith, but to practice it- and that only by practicing it will we ever come to any insight of it.

Of course, there’s also the challenge to my Sufi sensibilities. I considered the paradigm differently the other night, and in that way I began to understand something about my own position in things. Instead of my particular spiritual path being something that is shoved together logically as equals, I looked at it as a group of expanding circles.

Imagine this: Sufism is my personal method, as per the Golden Sufi Center’s practices and codes of ethics. That is, I do the meditation of putting Love in the Heart, and I recite the dhikr. I love Sufi poetry and imagery, and of course I’ve lived love- I know what it means to be in Love, I know what it means to Long for someone, I know what it means to have a terrible need for something that isn’t there- the Heart Ache, in other words.

Now, imagine a larger circle around Sufism, and this circle is Christianity. Because I am not Muslim and did not grow up in a Muslim culture, my understanding of Sufism cannot be the same as the Muslim understanding of it. Some would argue that you must be a Muslim in order to be a Sufi, but I disagree, though this blog is not meant to tackle the issue. Sufism falls into the Christian context for me as its primary reference point. The understanding of a Longing for Christ, a Love for Christ, the Beauty of Christ, and so on, makes perfect sense to me, whereas this is more difficult for me to do conceptually with the Prophet Muhammed.

Now imagine an even larger circle that encompasses Christianity and Sufism both- this circle I would call Gnosticism. Gnosticism, of course, can be argued to be any number of things, but I mean to say that the basic orientation with which I understand Christianity is a Gnostic mode. One most directly experience God for salvation, in other words, and “God” here means something very different than the old-man-sitting-on-a-throne.

At this point, though, we’re working with an extremely abstract world view- the Gnostic world view entails a very basic understanding of the world for me, a very basic orientation that is far less defined than Christianity or Sufism, which have increasing specificity.

If a circle existed around Gnosticism, it would then be “mysticism,” and there would be no argument here from anyone. I am certainly, with no doubt, a mystic when it comes to spirituality, and there’s no denying that.

But I also mean to explain that, in everyday life, my understanding is quite Sufic in nature. Christianity, Gnosticism, and Mysticism are less of a personal identification and more of a contextual categorization. The whole situation sounds more complex than it really is, because I don’t know that most people bother creating a tier of identity.

When you look into the eyes of someone who has seen the Beyond, you see thunder and lightning. I’ve seen this many times. There’s a “knowing” within that person, and it is absolutely terrifying and alluring all at the same time.

Also, enlightened people are not the sort of people you want to fuck with. Seriously.

Okay. I’m done rambling. I know this post is late in coming and isn’t entirely coherent, so please forgive me; my mind was in several places at once.


The Teacher is Nothing

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So in this dream, I was talking to Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee, who was my teacher. He was in a bathroom, and I could hear his voice- and he was telling me about something that did not matter, something trivial that I had read earlier in the day.

Upon reaching the bathroom, I knew he was in the last stall, and that he was about to come out. However, because I was dreaming, and I knew I was dreaming, I was afraid of what might appear. I had no idea- it could be an alien, it could be something monstrous, and so I was terrified.

But I knew that whatever appeared, I would face it. I stood, staring, waiting, as the stall opened, and then…

…there was nothing. Nothing came out.

That’s when I realized that the Teacher is nothing but Nothingness- Nothing there, No One there.

Surprisingly, that’s much less terrifying than aliens, but also much less comprehensible.


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