Two Things Learned Recently

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First, I encountered something the other night that was highly disturbing in a way that should have had me posting about it sooner than now- I looked directly at the feeling inside of myself that I was better than other people.

Now, this particular feeling happened to be deep inside of me, and as I understand it, the further down the spinal column one goes, the older the emotional energy is- so the most primary and basic emotional patterns are locked somewhere in the pelvic region and below, if you can follow this.

So I happened upon this feeling, a very basic and old feeling that I’m better than other people. No ifs, ands, or buts- and I allowed myself to feel it. The trick at this point isn’t to judge the feeling, which is the typical response- the trick is to feel what you really feel or what you seem to feel and then go from there. We have no hope of changing how we feel and think if we don’t first accept what we’re really feeling.

In our society, to explicitly state that you feel more important and that you’re better than another person is an extreme breach of the culture: we take the notion that all are created equal seriously and to incredible extremes.

The realistic part of this is that yes, we are created equal by God (or the universe), and that we all have the inherent dignity of a human being. But equality ceases at that vey point, beyond our essentially humanity. Some people are indeed more beautiful than others, some stronger, some faster, some smarter, some richer, some more successful- there’s no end to the level of inequality that exists in the world.

In the USA, the issue of inequality comes down to being a matter of institutionalized inequality- it’s a matter of trying to make sure that every person has a fighting chance in their pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness.

Somewhere along the lines, people have misunderstood that.

But in the same way, to feel that one is better than another person is also morally outrageous in the internal world. What kind of a human feels he is better, inherently, than another person? And for what reasons? Yet that very feeling appeared inside of me, welled up, argued for its case, and I simply allowed myself to feel it so that I could go on with my life.

During the course of my day (this was Friday), I tried to see in which cases that feeling unconsciously controlled me- and I had this sick feeling my hatred for the South and country people came from the sense that I am somehow superior to them, and that I seriously don’t want to be here and want to be with people who are on my level instead of constantly associating with the riff-raff. Appalling, to say the least, and I’m still not done wrestling with it.

Last night and this morning, things shifted, and I was shown something else, something incredibly new to me but apparently incredibly old- a sense of unworthiness. This sense of unworthiness is one of the oldest feeling I’ve ever seen inside of me, as it didn’t appear within any specific chakra- rather, it felt like my entire pelvis, hips and all, were composed of unworthiness. That’s how strong, ingrained, automatic, and real these feelings are- as though my very body is composed of that substance, which again is horrifying.

As I felt the unworthiness, as I faced it, my hips and pelvis in general began to feel like they were “loosening” up, that some kind of great burden was being lifted, and the release of the tension made my body relax in general and also began to free up energy in my heart chakra. The upper part of my heart seems to have a kind of blockage in it that I’ve worked on for years, and the blockage seems to be related to the problems in the lower chakras- the more I clear them, the more it seems the heart is cleared as well.

The point of these feelings and experiences is not to say that the feelings are accurate about reality- the point is to face them, to allow them to be experienced, and then to do something about it. If one feels a certain way, no amount of rational convincing will change that. To the contrary, only a shift in consciousness and feelings in general change the way one feels.

And that’s easier said than done!

Anyway, that’s all for now.


A Few More Observations

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As I’ve noted, the last several weeks and specifically last several days have seen me having an immense amount of psycho-spiritual work being done on myself.

Mostly, I go into the pain that I encounter, which is very physically located, usually somewhere in the region of the first and second chakras (and sometimes the third), and I began to feel the pain, over and over and over again, thinking when I can and trying to find the source of the pain: what am I believing, what am I really experiencing, what’s really happened that makes me feel this or that way?

A great deal of the pain, as I’ve come to find out, has been crystalized; that is, emotional patterns are so old and so strong that one cannot just “clear” them out. First the crystalized pain must be broken up, and how exactly this has happened, I’m not sure.

In meditation, there appeared a sense of a flame burning within me, a tall, ultra-violet colored flame that I have often referred to as “the Black Fire.” What exactly the Black Fire is, I am not exactly sure; I suppose this may be the “shakti” of the Hindu traditions, and certainly the Black Fire seems to have an association with Christ and the Holy Spirit. The Black Fire could simply be my own life force, my own personal energy, or it could be an energy that’s coming from God. I cannot know for sure at this point.

Either way, focusing on the fire’s very real presence and attempting to use it to break up my old emotional patterns seems to have been helpful. Sleep is very important in all this as well, along with meditation that is focused on simply clearing the mind; the resting of the mind allows the physical processing to take place more smoothly, or so it would seem

The energy largely moves from the first and second chakras to the third chakra, from what I’ve seen. The higher chakras needs the energy of the lower chakras; in other words, if you have no energy in your lower chakras, if they aren’t powerful, clean, and balanced, that, is psychologically healthy and integrated, then the higher chakras have no access to said power, or at least the power that they receive is incredibly limited.

The emotional content in the lower chakras is decidedly non-verbal or pre-verbal; most of it appears to be old and locked up and so far forgotten from conscious memories that a great deal of facing the emotions appears to be speculation, but the energy is real throughout it all. Facing the energy becomes hit-or-miss; resolving an emotional conflict can only be verified after one has faced it sufficiently and is presented with said situation again, at which time one can verify whether or not the emotional pattern is still enacting.

The old emotions and energy overall appear to be stored throughout the body. This is amazing to me, considering we don’t normally think in terms of emotions being physical or part of the body, and yet somehow they are or overlap with the body.

Maybe I’m wrong, but the ego of the human being seems largely to be a product of the emotional blockages in our chakras. Dissolve the blockages (much more difficult in practice than in theory), and the ego, too, dissolves. Or so one would think, but will it really? This is a good question, and time will yield the answer.