Pain and Depth

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Pain forced a growth in me, a change, a reassessment, a movement that I had otherwise not expected.

The Spiral Path is frustrating because I go around and around and around. At some point in time, I’m going to find the center of it all and stop spiraling, whatever that may mean.

Troy told me that it gets easier with time. God, I can only hope so.
Death and life, are they not the same? What is the truth here? I can see something I couldn’t see before.
I’m in love, and the Prophet is taking that love and killing me with it.
But I want this pain. I want the pain. I WANT IT. Because I know the pain of loss, this emptiness, this missing, the sheer longing, marks something meaningful, points to something good, points to something that what was what I wanted and have wanted and should want, and…

…if God so wills that I should be in agony, then I will surrender to it. God, if this is what YOU want, then I’ll accept it. I may need to cry, I may need to try to distract myself at times, but if this is YOU, then I’ll take this stabbing knife feeling in my chest a thousandfold.

Take me to the point of almost dying, of my heart almost stopping from being too full of longing and love and depth and meaningfulness and YOU. I would rather die trying than to live my life as an emotionless, dimwitted, conformist zombie.
God, the world is in crisis. Help before it is too late!

Selfishness and Love

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The reality is that an element of selfishness seems to exist in love, for it seems that I only love when I feel good in loving the person. That is, the love seems almost contingent on, “I love you because it makes me feel good, and I want to be happy.”

But then I find that one cannot love in that way and keep one’s self; indeed, love may NOT make on happy, and one may love and love and love at one’s own expense.

So when does one consider one’s self?

The truth is, for the mystic, one cannot. You do not matter; all that matters is the All, the Whole, the Other.

Let’s see where this goes.